Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
For me, when my father died first, and then my mother, I learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross' Stages of Grief back in high school when I took a Death and Dying class in senior year. I knew that whatever I was feeling, others felt the same, which comforted me. It's a part of life; dealing with the death of others and ultimately ourselves. I embraced whatever I was feeling, and told myself it was normal to feel sadness, then anger, then guilt-it was my spirit and brain's way of moving forward in life, without this important person there to see my future milestones. And by living day by day, putting one foot in front of the other, and making peace with myself that my parents were gone, but never truly gone-I have memories, and photos-they are just in another form.My dad has been dead for 20 years this June, and my mom eight this July, and although I do miss them, I'm comforted in knowing that I was able to spend my life with them, while they were here.
You made me just remember the books I bought and read when he died. I had forgotten about them. My mother had been a fan of Kubler Ross' "Of Death and Dying" all my life it seems. I always heard about it growing up.
I read it plus 3 or 4 others. They comforted me. Not only did they help after the fact but a couple helped me understand what he may have been going through.
When a neighbor and now very close friend stepped to the plate and offered his help. One of the first things he said to me was Make this house YOURs,it no longer your husband and if you don't like something in it get rid of it or change it..I have done this and now a year later the house looks like me and feels that that way..Don't be afraid to eat what you want, or watch what you want on tv...I have been known to watch as many as 3 baseball games in one day but that is who I am...
I miss my husband but not like I thought I would..
So put a smile on your face a laugh in your tummy and move forward...…….
Thanks for reading this.
What helped me to get through my pain...
Friends who were there for me
My Stephen Minister, who listened to me
A support group, where I learned about both my pain and the pain of others
Faith that God would be there for me
Patience with the process
Belief that I would at some point feel better
Time, Time, Time
Time. Support from family and friends. My belief in God. The book "On Grief and Grieving", by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. Going through the grieving process - not around, not over, not under. Through it. Coming through grief on the other side, grateful that I survived, and hopeful that I will be able to share my story on what I've learned to others who, inevitably, will walk the same path one day.
My "journey" began over 10 years ago. I still miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I believe that it was the inspiration, example, and love that he imparted to me that enabled me to move forward.
My hubby passed away April 9, 2019 of advanced prostate cancer. I cared for him at home with the help of hospice the last month & half of our lives together. The last 3 days he was in a coma. I felt so helpless because he could not tell me how to help him!!! He could not tell me if he was in pain, needed re-positioning, had an itch - it was horrible to feel so helpless to know what to do to make his last days comfortable. Now, less than a month later, I do not want him to see me in inconsolable grief, sobbing & crying, & giving up on life. I feel hubby's presence & talk to him everyday throughout the day. I do not want him to have that awful torment of feeling helpless to console me. We were married for nearly 42 wonderful years, we knew each other thoughts without speaking them. I know he does not want me to live my life grieving with nothing to look forward to. Those thoughts help get me through each day. Then, I think to myself, how would I want him to be if it were me to have passed on first? I know the answer to that! I would want him to be happy, and live life to the fullest, just as we always did together.
I have my "moments" & the tears come, he would expect that - for awhile, not forever.
I want him to continue to be proud that I was his wife for 42 years. I can only do that by moving forward.
My hubby passed away April 9, 2019 of advanced prostate cancer. I cared for him at home with the help of hospice the last month & half of our lives together. The last 3 days he was in a coma. I felt so helpless because he could not tell me how to help him!!! He could not tell me if he was in pain, needed re-positioning, had an itch - it was horrible to feel so helpless to know what to do to make his last days comfortable. Now, less than a month later, I do not want him to see me in inconsolable grief, sobbing & crying, & giving up on life. I feel hubby's presence & talk to him everyday throughout the day. I do not want him to have that awful torment of feeling helpless to console me. We were married for nearly 42 wonderful years, we knew each other thoughts without speaking them. I know he does not want me to live my life grieving with nothing to look forward to. Those thoughts help get me through each day. Then, I think to myself, how would I want him to be if it were me to have passed on first? I know the answer to that! I would want him to be happy, and live life to the fullest, just as we always did together.
I have my "moments" & the tears come, he would expect that - for awhile, not forever.
I want him to continue to be proud that I was his wife for 42 years. I can only do that by moving forward.
Rox, My husband and I were also together for 43 years, and he died of brain cancer. These first weeks are really pain beyond description. But grief and pain are processes we must go through. One thing I thought about when I was newly aggrieved was that my husband had not himself ever lost a spouse, so he really had no idea how dreadful this is. I had not lost a spouse either, so neither of us had experienced this. He would have had the same wish as your husband - that he would not me to be in such inconsolable pain. But the truth is that something like that is easy to say if you have not experienced it. I had no idea how incapacitated I would be. But if we do not live with our pain, grief, and longing, it will be much more difficult to regain the life you want. Painful as it is, we cannot deny that this is real. Many, many times I asked God to just take me because I didn't want to live without him. These were different from suicidal thoughts, because I did not want to take my own life, I just wanted to be with him. There is nothing at all wrong with talking to your husband, writing letters to him, singing to him. These can be helpful ways to keep that feeling of connection going. (And personally, I think there IS a connection that continues.) I know right now that it feels like there is nothing to live for. But you need to have patience with your grief. One thing that helped me is that I would think of all the older widows that I knew at church. They were living vital, useful lives, and I would say "If they can do it, some day I will be able to do it, too."
I was, for a long time, grateful that he went first, because I never wanted him to feel the awful pain that I was feeling. But as time has gone on (four and a half years,) it has gradually improved. Everyone is different in how they process their grief, but most of us get to a point where we learn how to live with the hole in our hearts. We never forget, and we never stop loving, but we learn to live. You will, too. Keep writing, to us, or in a journal. And keep talking to friends who will listen without judgement. Talking helps.
I am so sorry that you have had such a stunning loss. Take care of yourself. Sleep, try to eat well, get out into the sunshine, walk at least a little every day. To many people, nature is healing. And here we are in spring, when life is all around us. Try to let that into your heart. But don't deny the pain. It needs to be expressed and released. Blessings to you.
Grasshopper, whenever I have come to the Grief and Mourning forum, I have always been deeply impacted by how you view life and death and how you have processed your own grief. I have never lost a spouse and he and I have been together 45 years. I would hope that should he precede me, or even I him, that we would be able to process our grief the way you describe. I don't know if you know it, but you have touched my life and I'm sure so many of the lives on this forum. You give us hope that no matter the loss, we can get through it. What a gift you are. Thank you for sharing your journey and your wisdom with us.
Grasshopper, whenever I have come to the Grief and Mourning forum, I have always been deeply impacted by how you view life and death and how you have processed your own grief. I have never lost a spouse and he and I have been together 45 years. I would hope that should he precede me, or even I him, that we would be able to process our grief the way you describe. I don't know if you know it, but you have touched my life and I'm sure so many of the lives on this forum. You give us hope that no matter the loss, we can get through it. What a gift you are. Thank you for sharing your journey and your wisdom with us.
I second that gracious opinion of Grasshopper.
I sincerely believe that as you come out of the great storm of grief there are gifts that await you. I had to go thru mine to find those gifts. Ohh they aren't wrapped up like christmas presents, they are though gifts that see you thru the next hiccup or bump in the road. I recall after thinking -- Wow, finally I'm done with that every day crying or heavy heart. Then one "moment" arose....and so to did I. I arose out of that muck and mire. It was a "calling", brief though it was. I still reflect at that insatiable level of utter peace. Of complete serenity, that I was going to be ok. No fear, no sorrow. I sincerely think I gained those qualities that came so very naturally to the one I lost. That person had compassion , a sense of mercy for others, and she had the ability to let things flow thru. Water off her back so to speak. I reflect at the song "bent , not broken", and while it comes close....I do think I was BROKEN ...spiritually mentally and physically defeated. Yet once you "know" this, you rebuild. There is only UP. Rebuild your spirit, rebuild your outcome.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
