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I'm sorry Kathryn to hear this after all the losses you've suffered over the last few years. While I was sad when my parents died I would be devastated if my sister died. We are only 12 1/2 months apart. She is the only person in this world who knows me as a child, a teenager, young married, etc. Grieve the way that feels right for you whether it's staying home in bed, not getting dressed or whatever. See a grief counselor if you feel the need.
Oh, Kathryn - I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother's death. Even knowing it was coming doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure. I know how much you love him and I'm so glad to know that he was able to get married to your SIL.
I hope that your fond memories of him are able to bring you some comfort along with the overwhelming grief you are feeling.
I haven't lost a sibling but have lost first cousins I was close to. And it is definitely different when it's your generation. Aside from the obviously close feelings you have for him as an individual, and the shared childhood that you are now the keeper of, it's also a real gut punch in terms of thinking about our own mortality.
When our grandparents and even parents are alive, they are the bulwark between us and death. And it's sad when they go, but it's the natural order of things. But when it's a sibling, it's the reminder that now you are that bulwark for your own kids and their kids. And that's a heavy transition to make.
I hope you can find some things to do that bring you some comfort and allow you to appreciate his memory in ways that will help to leaven the pain during this sad time.
When I was young, all the people I knew that died were older (few exceptions) than me and that seemed to fit the natural way of things. Me, I was to young for that to happen to. I was 12 feet tall and bulletproof.
When people my age, including my 2 year younger sister, died it started to hit home that maybe I am not still 12 feet tall and bulletproof. Maybe it is realizing my own infallibility but I refuse to feel bad about it. It is what it is.
When people my age, including my 2 year younger sister, died it started to hit home that maybe I am not still 12 feet tall and bulletproof. Maybe it is realizing my own infallibility but I refuse to feel bad about it. It is what it is.
I think losing a younger siblings must be a shock to your body.
So sorry for your loss and for Kathryn Aragon's loss.
Kathryn---I lost my younger brother 6 1/2 years ago. He was 56 and died of lung cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss and agree with you that it feels differently from losing parents.
With my brother, I felt very sad because we grew up in an abusive environment. Even though he was my mother's favorite, we all suffered from being in that toxic environment. My brother was a depressive, part of the "walking wounded". He self-medicated with alcohol, pot and tobacco. My sister-in-law would urge him to get help or at least go for a physical, but he would get angry and refuse to do so.
For me, the hardest part of losing him was knowing that he didn't get any help. It also dredged up memories of what us kids were put through growing up. I truly believe that in the end, he had given up on life and was ready to go---and that saddened me. For the longest time after his passing, not a day would go by without my thinking of him.
One thing that struck a nerve with me was that when my birthday rolled around, my brother would always send me a card. Usually it was my SIL who sent out the cards but when it was my b'day, he was the one who sent the card. When the first birthday after his death rolled around, I felt sad knowing that I would never get a card from him again.
In time, my grief lessened. I believe that yours will, too. Still, I often think of him---that will never change.
Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and for as long as it takes.
What a tough 5 years it has been for you. I honestly don't know how you do it. I'm so sorry.
Well, it HAS been tough.
My husband and I are buying a new house. We're closing on it in fact next week. And I am looking forward to it because it will feel like a new beginning for us. Though we have really loved this house, we've lost too many loved ones while we have lived here.
Kathryn, do you have anyone on hand to take care of you and make sure you get a little something to eat occasionally? Perhaps a close friend?
I ask because I know your husband is out of town frequently for work.
Oh, I am far from starving - LOL.
I haven't eaten much today either, but I did eat more, and I ate healthy. It was crazy timing because I've actually been on a diet. I generally "comfort eat" and after each of my parents died (about two years apart) I gained about 25 pounds each time and then lost it. Of course, it's harder to lose the older we get - LOL. But I have been on a diet already so the timing was pretty good actually! (I've lost about ten pounds, thank goodness.)
You know, this whole no appetite thing tells me how stressed I am, because I have two responses food wise - I either comfort eat (long drawn out level of stress) or I stress completely out at the moment and lose all appetite. To fall into this second category with my brother's death is a big indicator to me that this is affecting me in a much different manner than when our parents died.
Plus I don't have to really do any estate stuff or even funeral planning though I am helping a little from a distance. So it was really the gut punch of actually losing him that knocked me silly, and I really don't know why because it's not like I was surprised. I thought I was emotionally prepared but it really threw me for a loop, and it still has.
Today has been "better" because I got a good night's sleep, and ate a little better today, and also I have just refused to think much about it. I have time to think about it. I think our brains let us feel things a little at a time, but it's good to pay attention to other things (like no appetite) because they let us know we need to process things.
You know, this will just take time. But if I am honest, I am looking forward to seeing his wife and kids and grandkids. I just wish he was going to be there too - really, most of all. I miss him - I just miss him being alive on this earth.
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