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Kathryn, I just saw this thread. I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother. My brother turned 61 in July, and it's weird to think that I'm at the age now (mid-50s) when men start basically dropping dead from heart attacks, etc. It's different losing a sibling, for all the reasons others have already mentioned. I hope you're feeling a little better by now, but of course, you'll always miss him. Sending hugs!
Loosing a sibling is bad but loosing a child is the worst. I have had to plan to many funerals and memorials. So much so that I have no grief left, I am fresh out.
1993 - my father, heart attack.
2003 - my daughter at 18, Doctor caused.
2011 - one younger brother at 56, brain cancer.
2017 - my son at 36, diabetic complications.
2018 - my wife of 38 years, diabetic complications but I think a broken heart.
Loosing a sibling is bad but loosing a child is the worst. I have had to plan to many funerals and memorials. So much so that I have no grief left, I am fresh out.
1993 - my father, heart attack.
2003 - my daughter at 18, Doctor caused.
2011 - one younger brother at 56, brain cancer.
2017 - my son at 36, diabetic complications.
2018 - my wife of 38 years, diabetic complications but I think a broken heart.
We do not compare here. Losing a child is tragic. It may be the worst that you have experienced. There is no value in saying "My grief in this situation is more than yours." I am sorry for your losses, sorry that the loss of children was such a heartache for you and your wife. Grief is personal, every situation is different, and the process can both be hard and heartbreaking.
We do not compare here. Losing a child is tragic. It may be the worst that you have experienced. There is no value in saying "My grief in this situation is more than yours." I am sorry for your losses, sorry that the loss of children was such a heartache for you and your wife. Grief is personal, every situation is different, and the process can both be hard and heartbreaking.
Not comparing, just venting a little. Sorry if it came off that way. Still have trouble wrapping my head around this somtimes.
You have had losses that are close together and of those most close to you. I am at a loss for words.
I do hope that you have both a network of friends and ready access to professional help and a support group. Just getting through day to day can be enough to do. Please vent as you need to.
I'm very sorry for your loss, Katherine. I am close to my siblings, especially my only brother as we grew up together and had each other's backs as teenagers. We walk together a couple times a week. I can't imagine how my life would be if I were to lose any of my siblings as they're younger than I am - my on/off depression would probably never go away.
I'm very sorry for your loss, Katherine. I am close to my siblings, especially my only brother as we grew up together and had each other's backs as teenagers. We walk together a couple times a week. I can't imagine how my life would be if I were to lose any of my siblings as they're younger than I am - my on/off depression would probably never go away.
Thank you and yes, it's been a rough few years. I was close with my immediate family and my husband's parents and we lost all four parents and then my brother within five years. It has been very hard.
It makes me think of my grandmother when she lost all her brothers one by one, after of course losing her parents. She got to a point where she was ready to go herself, to be with all the people she had lost - in spite of the people still here who loved her.
I am nowhere near that point but I am beginning to understand her better now.
I lost my beloved sister thirteen months to an impaired driver who ran her down in the street. It's been a hard year. I lost my sister/best friend/the one person I could open up to and because I had to "keep it together" for her family, I didn't get a chance to do *my* grieving for a long time.
When my father and grandparents died, I grieved. Oh, how I grieved. But it was a "natural" grieving; it was "expected" that they'd die and I had time to prepare myself for that.
I have so much anger along with the grieving. The anger that this person has been walking around free on bail, getting on with her life while my sister is gone and we are bereft. The anger is making my grief worse, I know. I know I have to release this anger so that I can move on. The problem is that the trial is coming up in a couple of months and I will be attending it to support her family. I have that hanging over me. The Christian beliefs that I held for many, many years tell me I have to forgive that person. I can't yet.
In the past five years my husband and I lost all four of our parents, and that was tough emotionally. It was also tough because both our moms had dementia so we had to really step in and care for them, the estates, etc. and it was just very draining.
But I am surprised at how overwhelmingly sad I am about losing my younger brother, who passed away after a long fight with cancer, just last night. Oh my gosh. I mean, I expected to be sad but I am REALLY REALLY sad. As in, I feel depressed and don't want to eat, don't want to get dressed, nothing. I keep just looking at photos of him, listening to songs that remind me of him, and crying and crying and crying. And I knew this was coming too. He had stage 4 pancreatic cancer (terrible way to go by the way) and so I saw this coming from a long way off. Though he lived many states away, I was able to go see him a few weeks ago (thank God) and talk with him on the phone often. We didn't have a complex, angst driven, or distant relationship - we loved each other and always have, so I don't have regrets or anything like that.
Part of me just HATES the way he suffered before he died - I felt like no one deserves that, and especially not him, because he had some hard blows in life that weren't his fault, and this was just a bad, bad way to go. Plus he's a fighter and so he fought death hard. So he died hard. I hate that, but that was his personality in part so I have to respect that.
Part of me is mourning for our lost childhood. I have many fond memories of growing up with him, and a big chunk of those are from our childhood years in Virginia. In fact, that region (Chesapeake Bay area) is my very favorite part of the country, so I had saved a real estate search for that region, as well as our local region and a few other areas that appeal to me. I just like to keep up with real estate prices. Anyway, every morning I get a list of new listings in my inbox and they are generally from all over the place. This morning, nearly every single one was from that area in Virginia, and they were all homes that reminded me a lot of the home we lived in so many years ago. It was really something.
Anyway, it's just a really different sort of grief. I expected it to not be quite as hard as losing our parents, because I was "in charge" whether I wanted to be or not during that time, and this time his wife is in charge, I'm out of state, and basically I'm just going to show up for the funeral in a few days. Seems like between this and the fact that I am relieved he's out of pain, I'd feel less raw. Instead, I feel AWFUL. I am flat out, absolutely depressed and don't want to do ANYTHING, not even get dressed, which is not typical of me at all.
I just wanted to share that and see if others felt differently when they lost a sibling rather than someone else dear to them.
I think every loss hits in different ways. Some loved ones I'm at peace with and I miss but know they lived a full life, on their terms. So I'm not bothered by it after going through the normal grieving process. One of my best friends, however, died when he was 16 and that loss still bothers me, 30 years later. Probably because he did not deserve to die.
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My brother turned 61 in July, and it's weird to think that I'm at the age now (mid-50s) when men start basically dropping dead from heart attacks, etc. It's different losing a sibling, for all the reasons others have already mentioned. I hope you're feeling a little better by now, but of course, you'll always miss him. Sending hugs!
