Six months ago...

[harry chickpea]

OK, thanks for responding on that. I don't know how you do it with all you have going on, but you sound like you are taking good care of yourself. Here's hoping that your goals get met and you are soon closer to family.

[Tallysmom]

Originally Posted by SouthernSusana

I also got too many death certificates, and I "only" got 7. No one wants an original.as another poster said, they ask me to scan it or they copy it.

Nothing I have gotten rid of is to the scale of the OP's post. But there are times I feel guilty because I seem to be erasing my husband from my life.

Oh, THAT was a long tear filled phone call with my sister. I felt the same way.

To shorthand what she said. What are the good memories of my husband? Lots. And do any one them involve the stuff? No. He is not the stuff, the stuff is not him. The stuff is stuff. And I usually throw things out on Sunday night late... because pickup is Monday morning.

I’m keeping a few of the goofy collages he made. Some other stuff.

I still wear some sort of wedding ring. My original band is way too big and expensive to size because it has to be remade.

[Gemini1963]

It sounds like you are managing very well, and have a good support system. But still it sounds hard and sad, and I'm sorry.

I have worked on estate administrations and one thing you might consider, now that you have done so much, is to tag everything that you DO care to keep, and hire an estate sale company to come and take all the rest away. They can take care of selling what's sellable, and figure out where to send the rest of it. They take a percentage commission but in my experience it is SO worth it -- especially when you get to the point that you have gotten to.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss, and it does sound like you have been handing things very well, both on the practical and emotional level. It's just so hard.

[tamiznluv]

Whew! I get tired just from reading all the work you do, Tally's! Kudos to you. I didn't get enough death certificates! (4) Every single place I dealt with wanted an original. So I would have to travel over the Bridge to Cape Cod to get them. I foolishly would only get the one I needed and then find out I needed another one. Finally I was done! I don't understand why I needed an original. A copy shows the Notary stamp, it's just not raised. What a pita.

I wish I had a sibling to talk with.

Susana, yes, it does feel like erasing your hubby in a way but it's not really. He lives on in your heart and mind. That won't be erased. I felt so guilty taking his clothes out of the closet for the last time and going to Goodwill. I saved only his motorcycle gloves.

I do have a storage unit because I dragged a few of his tools down here with me. IDK why, but they bring me a little comfort when I go to look and handle them. Maybe that's sick but it's what I do, spend $100 a month for basically nothing I can use.

[Tallysmom]

Gemini, it is sad and hard, because that’s grief. My husband’s death was sudden, even though he had a brain tumor, so that’s an extra layer. He had a massive seizure and his heart stopped. We’d been given a 2 year timeline. Time with him healthy enough to go do things.

Tam, I think the death certificate thing is more recent. A friend lost her mom in 2012, and she said she used hers up and had to get more. My mom died in 2010, same thing, everyone needed an original one. Another friend told me to load up. I should have found people who had recent deaths.

Heck, even his life insurance took a scan from me. You’d think that life insurance would want an original or at least a scan from an insurance office. As I was sending this I was thinking how easy this would be to scam. And then how to do it. This is what happens when your friend writes mysteries.

I think it goes in waves. When I worked at the bank, we would take a photocopy of the original. The photocopy was rubberstamped with “This is a photocopy of the original death certificate. Copied (fill in the date) witnessed ( two bank employee initials)” with strict orders that both employees see the photocopy AND the original, and the person handling the account transaction WASN’T one if the initials.

It actually took me longer to type this that it took to do. And these things were never handled at the teller line, always handled at a desk, so they were seated, given water, tissues.

Either things are changing, or I have been very fortunate. Everyone has handled me with kid gloves, going out of their way to make sure that I am comfortable when we have to do these various things.

About the fourth or fifth time I went to half-price books to sell more of his stuff, the guy asked where I had gotten the stuff. I told him that my husband had died, and he said “Oh.” I was positively thrilled. I got my money and my boxes, went out to my car and laughed my “three letters” off.

At that point I was SO tired of thanking people for saying I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s the proper thing to do, and I am grateful for the acknowledgment but I was still raw, and my dark sense of humor wasn’t being fed with all the niceness.

By the way, three letters is what my mother in law called the naughty word for behind.

[Travelassie]

Originally Posted by Tallysmom

Was day one as a widow. There was SO much to do, I could easily shove my feelings to the side and not deal, but even I knew that wouldn’t last.

I’ve done some final paperwork, like closing his credit reports, filing new beneficiary forms...so the paperwork part of this I think is pretty done. I purchased way too many death certs. Lots of people told me everyone needed one, and they all wanted originals, but now it seems that places wanted an original, and then scanned it into the system and handed it back. I bought 20, have actually used 5. But I haven’t dealt with the house stuff.

My beloved Big Kahuna was a hoarder. His intention was to sell this stuff on eBay — and in fact he did. However he did collect WAY more to sell than he sold, exacerbated by the fact we owned a janitorial company and people toss out great things ALL THE TIME. Before his illness he had been very slowly working his way through a toss out, and had about 500 things for sale on eBay. He talked about getting back to it, but the brain tumor messed with his brain.

There were lines in the sand on the stuff — so I managed to keep most of the house was reasonably tidy... until the end year or so. I have to be honest, I’m now thinking there is some sort of biological thing that happens pre-brain cancer. People have mentioned seeing a very slow decline in him, that I didn’t see because I lived with him. Then came the seizure, which the doctors think was the genesis of the tumor. Nine months later he was gone.

But now comes the getting rid of the stuff. As far as I know, all the DVDs I didn’t want to keep are gone. I’ve taken about 40-50 boxes of DVDs/videos and books and magazines. I am not nearly done. I’m starting on the CDs today. Goal of having the rear bedroom cleared by end of January. I really want to sell this place and get back home to family.

Did I mention I was handling this all by myself? Every one lives on the other coast.

And the grief seems to have deepened. I’m crying harder now than before. I’m seeing a grief therapist. She says that’s normal. My biggest fear is being stuck, and frankly, I don’t know what’s normal. I’ve never lost the love of my life before. Pretty much, her telling me that this being normal in a time where nothing is normal is very helpful.

I also really need to start taking care of myself. I need to exercise. I did janitorial for 21 years, I need to get walking, continue my weight loss (and take off that 20 pounds I put on from grief eating — sugar IS my drug of choice) and take care of myself. I know the Big Kahuna wouldn’t want me to harm myself over grief. I really hope wherever he is he isn’t ticked I’m selling his goods off to Half Price Books for massage money.

And no signs, no feeling of his presence...nada. I’ve had people ask.

Thanks for reading. I needed to get this out. And I’m going to start packing up the CDs... I’d bet there are 2000 of them... if the Big Kahuna were still here, I’d ask “BK, WTH?” I never thought I’d miss him this much.

(((Tallysmom)))). I'm so sorry for your loss. From what you've said, seems to me you're handling the good days and bad days with dignity and grace, and doing well what you need to be doing. And I think your Beloved Big Kahuna would be proud of the way you're handling his stuff, and wherever he is in the Great Beyond (as I always like to think of it), he knows and understands what you are going through.

You mention not yet having any signs or any sense of his presence with you. You never know, that could come at any time and least when you expect it. One and a half years after my dad's death, I had a dream that I could only interpret as a visit from him. Whether or not it really happened, it brought such a sense of comfort and love to me that it could have been real.

So you just never know, and your Big Kahuna is closer than you know, in your heart.

God bless you, and may this new year bring you peace and solace and good new beginnings.

[Gerania]

Originally Posted by SouthernSusana

I also got too many death certificates, and I "only" got 7. No one wants an original.as another poster said, they ask me to scan it or they copy it.

Nothing I have gotten rid of is to the scale of the OP's post. But there are times I feel guilty because I seem to be erasing my husband from my life.

I got 12 and it was barely enough. Most places kept them, others sent them back, but that took a couple of months.

I've gotten rid of more things since my husband died than I think many people have ever owned. He owned over 1,000 books. He collected, hoarded, CDs, DVDs, outdated electronics, T-shirts, musical instruments tools, paperwork, photos. Everything. It was gut wrenching, heartbreaking, and backbreaking to get rid of it. I still have too much.

[tamiznluv]

Maybe it depends on which state and county the deceased died in. It's a revenue maker for sure. There should be one set policy for EVERY business place. Stop jerking people in grief around.