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Thank you, everyone, for your replies. There is a ton of helpful info/advice here.
Sadly, my sister died last night around 8PM. It was surprisingly fast, and all the appropriate loved ones were there to support her and each other. As sad as it is, there's a huge sense of relief for her. No more damn cancer.
The advice someone gave about making sure you have the morphine on hand is so true...in advance, well before anyone thinks it's needed. No one expected my sister to decline so rapidly, even the hospice nurses (until it was clear we were down to our last day or so...and even that turned out to be a few hours).
The major snafu in the whole hospice experience was that the morphine and Ativan (anti-anxiety) were not included in the "comfort box" of meds that was to be "opened by hospice nurse only". When it was clear morphine was needed, the nurse opened the box, and I'm pretty sure I heard a "dammit" from her. By then, my sister was in terrible pain, morphine had to be stat ordered, it was supposed to arrive in a couple of hours (by 11PM Friday night) but didn't arrive until 8AM on Saturday. We'll probably never know what exactly transpired, but we were told the pharmacy was overwhelmed and the courier service was short-staffed (I believe this all had to do with closures and people not showing up to work due to the coronavirus -- ugh!). It was a long, terrible night for my sister (and my mom & me who were doing our best to provide comfort) because the pill-form pain meds were no longer working and she eventually could not swallow.
I'll probably write more later and provide my own "what I wish I'd known" info in case someone else can be helped by what we've all written here.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences so generously. I'm very grateful.
Sometimes a day or two before the ill person passes they will experience a day, or sometimes just a few hours, of a bit of a rally. It will seem like they are getting a bit better. Often they can sit up more and communicate more. This is the time that everyone who needs to say goodbye should try to be there, because it passes as suddenly as it occurs, and usually precedes the end by only a few hours or a day or two at most. Consider it one last blessing for all involved if it happens.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it is wonderful that your sister will have her loved ones with her in her final hours.
I send my sympathies to you in the loss of your dear sister. Sometimes the end comes quickly once Hospice is called in.
My dear friend was the caregiver for her sister, a widow with no children who was estranged from the rest of the family by her choice. Her sister resisted/refused Hospice and all comfort care until the day before she passed when told she would have to have an autopsy done if she was not under Hospice care when she passed. She finally agreed but refused all comfort care, including bed, toilet, and pain meds. She passed within 24 hours of Hospice meeting with her. My friend was the only person present when she passed.
The only person i helped die was my grandmother. No one in the family would let her die in the medical facility, which she wanted. she sent word to me to come home to texas, i was in ny, to be her advocate. i made the family and doctors quit the drugs, the interventions, the happy talk that she would be better off if she would do what they wanted. I respected her wishes to go and stopped it all. two days after my arrival she died peacefully. She needed others to respect her choices.
edited to add: helping my grandmother die was the best thing i've done in my life. i loved her very much. I really angered the family and her doctors, but i did what she wanted. she had told me for years she depended on me to do this. i did what she asked.
Last edited by texan2yankee; 03-16-2020 at 07:06 PM..
I am so sorry about your sister. Sounds like at the end, she knew she was loved.
One very small thing, for others looking for help, is that my mother in the week before she died liked to have one if us gently pat her face and hands with a cold damp cloth. And she hadn’t eaten anything much for weeks, but in the last days she developed a yen for ice cold coke, just a few sips at a time. At one point we realized we were overwhelming her with damp cloths and cold Coke. You want so much to do something, anything, that the smallest clue is made much of.
Op- so dearly sorry for this loss of a sibling, a sister and no doubt a lovely lady.
I commend you for being "in the Moments" with her.
People experience the letting go in different ways.
My Mothers was a slow lingering good bye. Mind you it was three days of finally being at home ( her final wishes being honored). I dearly wish I had taken heed to a Nurse at her rehab center that said......
Simply lay with her....climb into that bed....and prop yourself beside her. Humm if you wish or listen to her ....these are her final days. Just "BE" with her.
So that is my tidbit to those who are so caught up in the "pads, meds, Beds, comfort methods" that seem to overwhelm a care giver. Just put that to the side....those "things" can wait, the time with the loved one is ticking ever so quickly.
FWIW, I sang to my mom two songs that she loved dearly.....with tears streaming...I sang. A few minutes later she was gone. In an odd bit of humor I think I sped up her final breathes because I am not a good singer...Im sure the angels decided...Quick lets get her now, that gal is gonna send her off in misery and we can't have that. ( so yeah....umm....if you can't sing....I'd suggest just humming )
Having been through hospice and hospital passing 3x with loved ones. I always tell people to spend more time because those time may seem painfully long but once it passes time really goes by fast. Then you may regret not spending an extra minute or hour being there because from time to time they may awaken and remember things they had never thought of and want to tell you and not being there will be more painful than good memories,
Just remember that your sister is now your Guardian Angel
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