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I agree. It's an individual situation. I have known one or two people who wouldn't accept the inevitable. One was a woman I worked with. She would come in and relate how she was arguing with the doctors because they wouldn't put her beloved husband, who had prostate cancer that had spread to his spine, on the clinical trial she wanted. They were in their 60s and had been together since they were fifteen and she went on and on about how SHE was determined that they were going to have another 25 years together.
Finally after listening to her stories, I realized that the doctors were telling her that there wasn't any hope for her husband, and she just wasn't going to hear it. He didn't live much longer. She herself died about five years later.
On a bizarre side note, she had told me how her younger daughter had been murdered years before, and she was constantly calling the police to make sure they kept the case open because it had never been solved. After HER death, I mentioned that to another coworker, who said, "Her daughter wasn't murdered. She committed suicide, but 'Jane' could never accept it."
So, I think it is more likely individuals having difficulties facing reality than it is "Americans" in general.
Whoa that is messed up! I'm sure her daughter's suicide really messed with her mind. Maybe she had PTSD and was never able to move on. It had to be traumatic for her to lose a child in that manner.
I think that this is one of those things that it's easy to say to another person, or from a clinical distance, how one "should" frame something to make its impact less traumatic...but if you're in the middle of it yourself, it's not going to be that simple.
I can tell you though, of the losses that I have suffered, it was easier for me to handle when the person was old or seriously ill and we knew for years that they were "dying." They told us for years, or I was always being told about yet another hospitalization, yet another procedure, yet another surgery. My Great Aunt, I did not mourn when she actually died...I mourned HARD the last time I visited, because she had dementia, and she was already gone. She was in a home, they were shutting down her condo and getting ready to do an estate auction on her stuff, and I had to go through everything...it was such a tragically empty shell without her there. And things were not clean, which horrified me, because when she was well, she was an absolute neat freak like you would not believe. Never would have wanted her house to be dirty. So even though I had 4 days to go through it all, to visit with her and others, to discuss various business on that trip, before I left I scoured her place as clean as I could. Because she would have wanted it that way. I wept hard when I first entered her empty house. I cried again after my final visit to her in the nursing home. When she passed, I simply felt joy, that she was free. Because it really seemed like she was trapped inside her deteriorating body and mind.
My Grandparents, were all very sick and in terrible pain and suffering, for years before they died. Again, I felt that they were at peace, and I was "prepared" for the news when it came.
But when a very dear friend unexpectedly died of an overdose at the age of 50, even though we were not family or anything, that arguably our relationship was not as close as my relationship to those relatives, it was such a shock to my whole reality...suddenly the world did not have him in it, and was poorer for it...and I walked around for 3 months feeling something like physical pain, it felt like I'd been punched in the gut, and that loss was so much harder to heal from.
So yeah, I do think that it's possible to be more or less "prepared" for the idea of someone's passing.
But I also think that a lot of whatever extent that is possible probably depends on any given person's psychology or personality. I had major losses starting at 5 years old, and people coming in and out of my life. I don't really have the expectation that a lot of folks seem to have, of their loved ones "always" being there, "forever." Forever isn't really a thing I have any faith in.
It’s hard to lose anyone we love. But I understand that it’s coming, and accepting that, it is a gift. It allows you to say what you need to say. It allows you to talk about the really good things that happened and laugh and demonstrate your love to each other.
I agree. Both my mother and DH died in successive months, 6 months after being told they had virtually untreatable conditions (Mom's recurrence of breast cancer at 85, DH's acute myeloid leukemia at 78). We had a big party for Mom's 85th, right after her diagnosis. DH and I came out to see her a few months later and knew it would be our last visit with her. DH's 2 adult children from his previous marriage came out to visit us. They mostly sat around and told stories and reminisced. Later his daughter sent me a nice note telling me how she'd thought it would be a sad trip and it was really enjoyable. DH and Mom both died quietly at home with support from hospice. That was 4 years ago and neither loss has hit me that hard. Of course I miss both of them but we knew it was coming and neither chose to try and fight with treatments that had a 3% chance of success and a 100% chance of making their remaining time miserable.
I've seen/read the stories of people who fight to the bitter end (and sometimes it's the spouse or family member who's doing all the fighting)- frantically tracking down drug trials and applying, going for alternative medicine treatments... read Joyce Maynard's "The Best of Us". Her husband (probably in his 50s) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she carted him all over the US, seeking out the best surgeon for the Whipple Procedure (a risky "Hail Mary" that didn't work in his case), trying to get him into drug trials, going for expensive alternative medicine they couldn't afford and which didn't work. It made me glad Mom and DH had relatively peaceful final months.
A month before my mom died at 89 my younger son and I sat around with her having a great time reminiscing about the past. We left the next morning and it was the last good day she had. That memory is precious.
People say that in order for you to make sure all their affairs are in order. FIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they suggested we consult an attorney in order to have medical and general power of attorney, ability to pay his bills and handle sale of house, etc. I would rather know beforehand because in the past relatives and friends have died without their affairs in order and family had to not only deal with their passing but try to make sense of their personal affairs.
Maybe they mean logical things like getting affairs in order - paperwork, beneficiaries, etc. Immediate family would typically have to see that these things get done. And that CAN be a huge help emotionally, not to have to worry about other logistics when one is grieving.
As for getting used to funerals - I lost both inlaws, then both parents, then my brother and then my husband, all within six years. I am not "used" to funerals but I do know how they work, what they cost, what to expect and not expect, etc.
But the grief is still just as intense when a person dies. Take my husband's death for example - it was and still is intense, but at least I don't have to worry about accessing money, what I'm going to do financially, etc. because we did take care of all the paperwork beforehand and I also knew what he would want when it came to his funeral. With his parents, neither of them were prepared and the whole thing was a financial fiasco with all sorts of family drama thrown in. His parents were very secretive and apparently thought they'd both live forever. My parents did the opposite - my dad even told me exactly what he wanted in the way of a funeral and cremation - but my mom would never even tell me where she did or didn't want to be buried, or anything about what she wanted in the way of funerals. Thankfully my dad was very thorough about paperwork at least, for both of them.
My brother and my husband were both very thorough as well and it's very helpful.
Bingo. My wife just died unexpectedly and fairly suddenly. We did not prepare those documents, though we knew better. Bit of a mess now.
Bingo. My wife just died unexpectedly and fairly suddenly. We did not prepare those documents, though we knew better. Bit of a mess now.
I am sorry you're going through this. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, truly. Secondly I'm sorry for the added stress. The good news though is that yes, eventually you will get through it all.
I think that this is one of those things that it's easy to say to another person, or from a clinical distance, how one "should" frame something to make its impact less traumatic...but if you're in the middle of it yourself, it's not going to be that simple.
I can tell you though, of the losses that I have suffered, it was easier for me to handle when the person was old or seriously ill and we knew for years that they were "dying." They told us for years, or I was always being told about yet another hospitalization, yet another procedure, yet another surgery. My Great Aunt, I did not mourn when she actually died...I mourned HARD the last time I visited, because she had dementia, and she was already gone. She was in a home, they were shutting down her condo and getting ready to do an estate auction on her stuff, and I had to go through everything...it was such a tragically empty shell without her there. And things were not clean, which horrified me, because when she was well, she was an absolute neat freak like you would not believe. Never would have wanted her house to be dirty. So even though I had 4 days to go through it all, to visit with her and others, to discuss various business on that trip, before I left I scoured her place as clean as I could. Because she would have wanted it that way. I wept hard when I first entered her empty house. I cried again after my final visit to her in the nursing home. When she passed, I simply felt joy, that she was free. Because it really seemed like she was trapped inside her deteriorating body and mind.
My Grandparents, were all very sick and in terrible pain and suffering, for years before they died. Again, I felt that they were at peace, and I was "prepared" for the news when it came.
But when a very dear friend unexpectedly died of an overdose at the age of 50, even though we were not family or anything, that arguably our relationship was not as close as my relationship to those relatives, it was such a shock to my whole reality...suddenly the world did not have him in it, and was poorer for it...and I walked around for 3 months feeling something like physical pain, it felt like I'd been punched in the gut, and that loss was so much harder to heal from.
So yeah, I do think that it's possible to be more or less "prepared" for the idea of someone's passing.
But I also think that a lot of whatever extent that is possible probably depends on any given person's psychology or personality. I had major losses starting at 5 years old, and people coming in and out of my life. I don't really have the expectation that a lot of folks seem to have, of their loved ones "always" being there, "forever." Forever isn't really a thing I have any faith in.
An untimely, unexpected death does make you feel punched in the gut. That is how my 2020 began. I became friends with a woman when our kids were in the same kindergarten class. We were two of the minority of working moms in our town, and for the next seven years, we were Girl Scout leaders together, plus we were friends and our daughters were friends. Spent so much time together.
Eventually the girls grew up, and she'd had another one and was back to being involved with school/kid stuff while I moved about fifty miles away to be closer to the ocean. My mother lived in that town, so I would stop and see her and chat and we always made tentative plans to go for a beer one night, but we never did it.
Then in mid-January I got a call from another friend telling me that Sue had left work, gotten in her car, and then her car was seen slowly banging into other cars in the parking lot. She was dead behind the wheel of a brain aneurysm at 55. I am still not quite accepting of it. Two weeks later a former coworker dropped dead at her desk at 54 of a heart attack. We weren't close, but it was still a creepy way and place to die, and she too had a son my daughter's age. In March my mother died, but even though her death wasn't expected THAT DAY, she was 91 and had been failing for the past year. I miss her, but her death was easier to accept.
An untimely, unexpected death does make you feel punched in the gut. That is how my 2020 began. I became friends with a woman when our kids were in the same kindergarten class. We were two of the minority of working moms in our town, and for the next seven years, we were Girl Scout leaders together, plus we were friends and our daughters were friends. Spent so much time together.
Eventually the girls grew up, and she'd had another one and was back to being involved with school/kid stuff while I moved about fifty miles away to be closer to the ocean. My mother lived in that town, so I would stop and see her and chat and we always made tentative plans to go for a beer one night, but we never did it.
Then in mid-January I got a call from another friend telling me that Sue had left work, gotten in her car, and then her car was seen slowly banging into other cars in the parking lot. She was dead behind the wheel of a brain aneurysm at 55. I am still not quite accepting of it. Two weeks later a former coworker dropped dead at her desk at 54 of a heart attack. We weren't close, but it was still a creepy way and place to die, and she too had a son my daughter's age. In March my mother died, but even though her death wasn't expected THAT DAY, she was 91 and had been failing for the past year. I miss her, but her death was easier to accept.
Sorry for your loss. Thankfully Sue didn't leave the parking lot; no one else got hurt. Same with the co-worker dying at work. It's hard to hear when people our age drop dead like that.
My favorite MIL passed about 3 weeks ago, she was a few months shy of 91. We were supposed to drive to Edison to see her in March when COVID hit. She hadn't been doing well for the last few years, ended up in JFK with congestive heart failure. I'm sad she passed without being able to see her one last time but it's amazing we've had her as long as we did since she had throat cancer a few years ago, only got radiation, not chemo. I expected it to come back. She was ready to go see her 3 children that she out lived, the last was her 40 year old daughter 15 years ago.
Sorry for your loss. Thankfully Sue didn't leave the parking lot; no one else got hurt. Same with the co-worker dying at work. It's hard to hear when people our age drop dead like that.
My favorite MIL passed about 3 weeks ago, she was a few months shy of 91. We were supposed to drive to Edison to see her in March when COVID hit. She hadn't been doing well for the last few years, ended up in JFK with congestive heart failure. I'm sad she passed without being able to see her one last time but it's amazing we've had her as long as we did since she had throat cancer a few years ago, only got radiation, not chemo. I expected it to come back. She was ready to go see her 3 children that she out lived, the last was her 40 year old daughter 15 years ago.
They were both YOUNGER than me by a few years! Also, my same-age cousin died in December (she was morbidly obese, had a number of physical ailments because of it, and had already been in a nursing home for five years). Another old friend died suddenly at 54 in June, although I still don't know of what. She posted on Facebook the day before and sounded normal, and two days later her sister was posting that she'd died.
Then a woman I knew through the church who I always thought "enjoyed poor health" to get attention because every time something came up she would get "sick" and not be able to do her part or finish anything she started went into the hospital one day in June short of breath. I thought "Oh here we go again", but she DIED that night at the age of 46. She tested negative for COVID. Turns out she had a heart defect all along. I think I get to spend some time in hell or purgatory having to eat nothing but turnips for that one.
But's it's an awful lot of younger people dying suddenly. I guess this is just something we experience more as we get older.
I can remember being a kid and my parents lamenting over the death of a neighbor who'd died suddenly at 56 and thinking, "Well, what did they expect? He was OLD." 56 sounds kinda young now.
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Also, my same-age cousin died in December (she was morbidly obese, had a number of physical ailments because of it, and had already been in a nursing home for five years). Another old friend died suddenly at 54 in June, although I still don't know of what. She posted on Facebook the day before and sounded normal, and two days later her sister was posting that she'd died.
