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Old 01-30-2021, 08:04 PM
 
3,154 posts, read 2,043,984 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
This is a big issue for me. I had one lost love that I was grieving and grieving for and after a year-and-a-half of crying on my long commute, I said to myself: "That's it. That's enough. This has got to end." I pushed down my grief, and in doing so, I have been numb ever since.

I am working on this numbness now in therapy and there's a lot of stuff down there I did not grieve that I am resolving now.
My condolences. If you happen to find something that works, feel free to pass it along. I haven't.

I'm reminded of the monologue in "Kill Bill 2", where Bill is telling a story of the Kung Fu Master "Pai Mei" over a campfire. Part of it went,
"The next morning, Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin temple, and demanded of the temple's Head Abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot, at first, tried to console Pai Mei...only to find Pai Mei was...inconsolable."

Sometimes a line from a movie or book can really hit home, this was one line that stuck with me - gotta love that Tarantino. "Inconsolable". It tends to bubble to the top of my consciousness during times of other loss or disagreeable times, like 2020 in general, and specifically after having lost my last sister in February. Retirement hasn't been all it was cracked up to be, and unexpected health setbacks have only added to it. So yeah, recently she's been on my mind a lot.

I deduced decades ago that success in life is largely determined by learning how to handle loss, because a big part of life is constantly losing things you care about. If you're smart (and lucky), you find other things to care about to take the place of the things you lose. As it happens, some of us are either not very smart and/or just unlucky, and the losses build an ever-larger void. Good Luck.
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Old 02-01-2021, 10:26 AM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,609,738 times
Reputation: 19639
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curly Q. Bobalink View Post
My condolences. If you happen to find something that works, feel free to pass it along. I haven't.

I'm reminded of the monologue in "Kill Bill 2", where Bill is telling a story of the Kung Fu Master "Pai Mei" over a campfire. Part of it went,
"The next morning, Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin temple, and demanded of the temple's Head Abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot, at first, tried to console Pai Mei...only to find Pai Mei was...inconsolable."

Sometimes a line from a movie or book can really hit home, this was one line that stuck with me - gotta love that Tarantino. "Inconsolable". It tends to bubble to the top of my consciousness during times of other loss or disagreeable times, like 2020 in general, and specifically after having lost my last sister in February. Retirement hasn't been all it was cracked up to be, and unexpected health setbacks have only added to it. So yeah, recently she's been on my mind a lot.

I deduced decades ago that success in life is largely determined by learning how to handle loss, because a big part of life is constantly losing things you care about. If you're smart (and lucky), you find other things to care about to take the place of the things you lose. As it happens, some of us are either not very smart and/or just unlucky, and the losses build an ever-larger void. Good Luck.
I read this when it first came out in 1986, but didn't have the experiences I have had since then. I think it's time for a re-read (and it was updated in 1998):

https://www.amazon.com/Necessary-Los.../dp/0684844958

I hope I learn something because it's not going to get any easier . . .
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Old 02-20-2021, 01:43 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,609,738 times
Reputation: 19639
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curly Q. Bobalink View Post
My condolences. If you happen to find something that works, feel free to pass it along. I haven't.

I'm reminded of the monologue in "Kill Bill 2", where Bill is telling a story of the Kung Fu Master "Pai Mei" over a campfire. Part of it went,
"The next morning, Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin temple, and demanded of the temple's Head Abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot, at first, tried to console Pai Mei...only to find Pai Mei was...inconsolable."

Sometimes a line from a movie or book can really hit home, this was one line that stuck with me - gotta love that Tarantino. "Inconsolable". It tends to bubble to the top of my consciousness during times of other loss or disagreeable times, like 2020 in general, and specifically after having lost my last sister in February. Retirement hasn't been all it was cracked up to be, and unexpected health setbacks have only added to it. So yeah, recently she's been on my mind a lot.

I deduced decades ago that success in life is largely determined by learning how to handle loss, because a big part of life is constantly losing things you care about. If you're smart (and lucky), you find other things to care about to take the place of the things you lose. As it happens, some of us are either not very smart and/or just unlucky, and the losses build an ever-larger void. Good Luck.
This made me chuckle . . . yes, some of us are not too smart or lucky!!!

I am sorry about the loss of your sister.

I previously studied the Law of Attraction (Abraham Hicks style) and one of the things they teach is that no one is ever lost - they are "right there" - you can tune into them, basically. I do believe this and still miss the physicality.
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Old 02-20-2021, 01:56 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,609,738 times
Reputation: 19639
As noted, I am in therapy.

I have recently been experiencing many negative emotions - I can tell when depression arises that if I poke it just a little bit there is sadness and unprocessed grief underneath it.

I have lost many cherished animals that I have not properly grieved (meaning stopped the process mid-stream).

I had a major break up thirty years ago that I did not grieve thoroughly (again, stopped the process prematurely).

It seems to take me an inordinate amount of time to grieve thoroughly - I just haven't been able to do it in a linear fashion, and I see how trying to speed things up has really had negative effects on my life.

One thing I am grieving right now is the inability to be honest with a relative with addiction issues. I don't want to trigger the person, so I create a false persona - it takes a lot of energy to do this - and there has been no legitimate place to process the years of hell I have been through related to this person (so would be grieving loss of a huge chunk of my life). I know there are processes I can do around this - I could write about it (don't want to - have written so many letters to the person, etc. - the story is just so huge with so many details - don't want to relive it). Will discuss other ideas with my therapist.

In the meantime, I have started a new technique that seems to be helping me - I used to wake up in the middle of the night worried about this person - and I would pray to "God" or angels - and I never felt any relief - just sheer fear and terror, really. I have now started talking to my inner child - telling her that I know she is scared, but she is safe. I say it out loud, and I can feel my inner child's sigh of relief (a literal sigh). I tell her I will take care of her and make sure she is protected and safe - and it seems to be working . . . so inner child work is very effective, in the moment, for me.

I have an idea, from talking to my dog and telling him his story of being adopted, etc., that I could tell my inner child little girl a story about losing x, y, or z - and how it is very sad, and we miss that person, animal, etc., but that that is the way life is sometimes and we just have to accept it - AND that she will be "safe" in any case - that seems to be the key to healing for me.
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