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I know what you mean! I often wonder if I handled my parents' demises well, but intellectually I know I did - it's just the emotional trauma of seeing our loved ones and their lives just disappear I guess.
By the way? It was about six months before the dam broke, and I did what I needed to do.
I'm not wallowing or miserable. I guess I'm just existing. And I'm okay with that.
Totally agree with you. Going about daily life, taking care of house, volunteering, walking dog, but I feel I'm just existing. Lost my husband, with whom I had the most wonderful friend and love. Year before I lost my best girlfriend of 55+ years and dear friend of 35 years. So I totally get it and feel I have no purpose to be on the earth. Yet I trudge through another day, with people having no idea I'm just existing.
I know that it is painful for you all to write posts about your grief journeys. They have been amazingly helpful. What I take away from your posts is that it is 'normal'. Normal to have huge swings of emotions, normal to want to run away, normal to have 'grief brain'.
It has been 4 months and it is okay that I am not coping, yet. Thanks to all of you, I don't feel like I have to. I can just be, for now. Well, I am going to do a little bit of coping. They turned off my electric! Turns out bills wait for no man. Goosed me to get everything set up on Auto Pay.
I am going to have many days of rusticating next to the pool, gathering my thoughts, and adjusting to my new normal. I probably am not going to have many days being productive and I am not going to beat myself up about it. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted now that I have given myself permission to not be doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing.
I know that it is painful for you all to write posts about your grief journeys. They have been amazingly helpful. What I take away from your posts is that it is 'normal'. Normal to have huge swings of emotions, normal to want to run away, normal to have 'grief brain'.
It has been 4 months and it is okay that I am not coping, yet. Thanks to all of you, I don't feel like I have to. I can just be, for now. Well, I am going to do a little bit of coping. They turned off my electric! Turns out bills wait for no man. Goosed me to get everything set up on Auto Pay.
I am going to have many days of rusticating next to the pool, gathering my thoughts, and adjusting to my new normal. I probably am not going to have many days being productive and I am not going to beat myself up about it. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted now that I have given myself permission to not be doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing.
Thank you.
YAY! I am so glad you are reaching this point. Four months in is rough - well, it was for me. Now it's been nearly a year and I'm feeling more like my old self, but better. Yes, better. I am a better me since I've had to assimilate this level of loss into my life.
I hit my head on a cabinet the other day and let me tell you something, I just let it rip - LET IT RIP. I cried and screamed and I even yelled, "i HATE THIS - I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE THIS HOUSE, I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS, I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO BRING IT ON, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS!" I cried and yelled for a few minutes and then - the phone rang. And it was a friend of mine and she just wanted to have some sort of mundane conversation and I just did it, wondering at first if she could tell I'd just been screaming and crying, but apparently she couldn't tell it and I didn't tell her. And you know what - I got that anger and pain out of my system. And the next day I woke up and looked at how I'd decorated and all that and I LIKE IT. I like the house, I like what I've done to it, I like waking up in the morning and piddling around and drinking coffee and watching whatever I want to watch and reading whatever I want to read and doing basically whatever I want to do. That doesn't mean I don't miss my husband. It doesn't mean I don't wish he was still alive and we were still married and all that - but that simply isn't the way it is and it's never going to be that way so I have to find me, find my way, make sure I'm better as time goes by, not worse.
So the other day, I went out and bought some plants and herbs and planted them and I strung some lights on my back patio and you know what - I like it. I actually felt something and it felt good. And now I look out on my back yard and my patio and I like what I see. I feel those little feelings of appreciation and joy coming back. I thought they were gone but guess what - THEY ARE NOT GONE.
You know what - you don't have to "be productive." You are so right. You need to assimilate. Regroup. Rest. You will be a better person for it. Screw everyone else and their judgments - which they're probably not guilty of anyway. A lot of expectations we put on ourselves. Frankly, most people don't care that much about us to be judging us or thinking we should have things more together or whatever. You sit by your pool. Read. Or don't read. Listen to music. Or don't listen to music. One thing I want you to do though is try to be in the present. Only the present - not the past and certainly not the future. Just the present. Feel the sun and the water and the breeze. Stretch and feel your own body. Taste the iced tea or soda or whatever you bring out there to drink (bring something). Listen to the birds. I know it may sound trite but it's true - yesterday is past, we don't know what the future holds, all we have is now - that's why they call it the present. It's a gift - savor it.
Totally agree with you. Going about daily life, taking care of house, volunteering, walking dog, but I feel I'm just existing. Lost my husband, with whom I had the most wonderful friend and love. Year before I lost my best girlfriend of 55+ years and dear friend of 35 years. So I totally get it and feel I have no purpose to be on the earth. Yet I trudge through another day, with people having no idea I'm just existing.
OMG now this is sad. Please try to do something meaningful, even just meaningful to you, yourself. Savor the coffee or the tea. Take pleasure in the sound of birds, or rain, or whatever. Sigh with pleasure when you climb into your bed at night.
Please, please, please build on these things. You know, if you find that you enjoy the taste of coffee, maybe give some to a homeless person. If you find you enjoy the sound of birds or rain, maybe take a CD of that to a memory care center, or rig up a bird feeder outside a hospital or nursing home window (if you don't think this matters, just food for thought - my dentist has a bird feeder right outside the operating room and I love it and apparently so do lots of other people). If you find that you like the way your bed feels at night, be thankful for that and share this joy with someone else, even if it's just a cashier at the grocery store. Consider volunteering to read books in the evening to children or the elderly - maybe at a library or a book store or a nursing home.
I want to share something with you. When I was in the throes of grief, I didn't get a thing out of the mass (I am Catholic). I mean, I did but the ONLY thing I got out of it so to speak was the Eucharist. I couldn't tell you what the scripture readings were. I couldn't tell you what the homily was about. I couldn't tell you what songs we'd sung. The only thing that had any meaning at all to me, and that wasn't much frankly, was the Eucharist. But I kept going. I just kept going. I trudged in and trudged out, I trudged up to receive the Eucharist, I trudged back to my seat - zero joy, zero feeling really. Only a slight, very slight glimmer of fulfillment when I received the Eucharist, but even that was definitely not worth the hassle of getting up, getting dressed, going into town, etc. I was definitely only going through the motions.
And to be honest, I don't know when it changed. But now, the homilies are great. Every one of them. I don't think the church changed, I think my heart slowly changed. Now I listen to the scriptures, I reread them, I think about them, I pay attention to the songs, to the order of the mass, etc. AND IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. I am so grateful!!!!!
My point is - keep going through the motions. But open your heart and your ears and your mind. Be receptive of where God or life leads you.
Good luck, my friend! This is the hardest thing we could ever do.
Many of you may know that I have two old dogs, one of whom I tripped over about six weeks after my husband died, because she just laid down behind me, and I totally shattered my right (dominant) elbow which really rocked my physical world (my emotional world was already rocked). Wow. What a journey.
Anyway, of course I can't just kill her and of course she didn't mean to do it - it just happened. In fact, I adore this stupid, old, fat, tumored (all benign, they just look really ugly), ridiculous dog. My husband loved her too, along with our other old but not as stupid or fat or tumored or ridiculous dog. We have had a plan of action in place for years because she's been so old and fat and full of arthritis for years, but she outlived my husband which is always a surprise to me.
OK, on to what I'm learning from my dogs:
First of all, they grieved for my husband. They loved him, and he loved them. These dogs were our "children" and we'd had them almost as long as we'd been married. (They are about 14 years old now and we'd been together only a year or so when we got them both.) So they missed him very much when he just didn't come home anymore. They were literally blue, lethargic, all that good stuff. They knew something was wrong and that was why he was not coming home. What I learned from them - it's OK to grieve.
Two - they never blamed me. They just took it. It was what life dealt them and they just took it. What I learned from them - suck it up. Deal with it. It's not your fault or anyone's fault - it's just life.
Three - they've made do with what they have now. They only have me. Just me. But my goodness how they love me! They are so happy when I come home! They are so happy when I give them attention!
My dogs live for the moment and I need to learn this from them. I AM learning it but it's the hardest lesson.
I was not looking to adopt a dog. I can barely take care of myself. My husband use to volunteer at the shelter before COVID so I got an e-mail about this dog. He had been adopted out 3x. But was returned each time and he was now a candidate for the euthanasia list. He was old, grumpy, and needed meds. Oh and he barks, can you believe it?
In other words, "New-To-Me" Senior Rescue Dog sounded just like me ...
At the time, I didn't have much desire or the will to go on. Then this dog came into my life. I have to get up and get going each day because he will just keep being so cute and so persistent until I do. I have to cook because of his nutritional and medical needs. I have to take care of myself because Mr. Un-Adoptable needs me. I love him.
I was not looking to adopt a dog. I can barely take care of myself. My husband use to volunteer at the shelter before COVID so I got an e-mail about this dog. He had been adopted out 3x. But was returned each time and he was now a candidate for the euthanasia list. He was old, grumpy, and needed meds. Oh and he barks, can you believe it?
In other words, "New-To-Me" Senior Rescue Dog sounded just like me ...
At the time, I didn't have much desire or the will to go on. Then this dog came into my life. I have to get up and get going each day because he will just keep being so cute and so persistent until I do. I have to cook because of his nutritional and medical needs. I have to take care of myself because Mr. Un-Adoptable needs me. I love him. Attachment 230579
Awwww, he is a cutie pie! And you can bet he loves you too. You're his reason for living!
Dogs are the best. I honestly thank God for them every single day. He really knocked it out of the ballpark when He invented dogs.
YAY! I am so glad you are reaching this point. Four months in is rough - well, it was for me. Now it's been nearly a year and I'm feeling more like my old self, but better. Yes, better. I am a better me since I've had to assimilate this level of loss into my life.
I hit my head on a cabinet the other day and let me tell you something, I just let it rip - LET IT RIP. I cried and screamed and I even yelled, "i HATE THIS - I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE THIS HOUSE, I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS, I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO BRING IT ON, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS!" I cried and yelled for a few minutes and then - the phone rang. And it was a friend of mine and she just wanted to have some sort of mundane conversation and I just did it, wondering at first if she could tell I'd just been screaming and crying, but apparently she couldn't tell it and I didn't tell her. And you know what - I got that anger and pain out of my system. And the next day I woke up and looked at how I'd decorated and all that and I LIKE IT. I like the house, I like what I've done to it, I like waking up in the morning and piddling around and drinking coffee and watching whatever I want to watch and reading whatever I want to read and doing basically whatever I want to do. That doesn't mean I don't miss my husband. It doesn't mean I don't wish he was still alive and we were still married and all that - but that simply isn't the way it is and it's never going to be that way so I have to find me, find my way, make sure I'm better as time goes by, not worse.
So the other day, I went out and bought some plants and herbs and planted them and I strung some lights on my back patio and you know what - I like it. I actually felt something and it felt good. And now I look out on my back yard and my patio and I like what I see. I feel those little feelings of appreciation and joy coming back. I thought they were gone but guess what - THEY ARE NOT GONE.
You know what - you don't have to "be productive." You are so right. You need to assimilate. Regroup. Rest. You will be a better person for it. Screw everyone else and their judgments - which they're probably not guilty of anyway. A lot of expectations we put on ourselves. Frankly, most people don't care that much about us to be judging us or thinking we should have things more together or whatever. You sit by your pool. Read. Or don't read. Listen to music. Or don't listen to music. One thing I want you to do though is try to be in the present. Only the present - not the past and certainly not the future. Just the present. Feel the sun and the water and the breeze. Stretch and feel your own body. Taste the iced tea or soda or whatever you bring out there to drink (bring something). Listen to the birds. I know it may sound trite but it's true - yesterday is past, we don't know what the future holds, all we have is now - that's why they call it the present. It's a gift - savor it.
Please keep us posted!
Hi Kathryn, I don't post on here much, but I've been following your journey since last August and I want to tell you what an inspiration you are to me and to so many others on this forum. My spouse is still living, but I would hope that if/when something happens to him that I would be able to live as you have lived this past year. I love your philosophy of life and your joy for living. Of course, I know you have had your sad and grieving times as well, and that it's not been an easy road. But I'm so happy for you that you are making your own way and seeing all the good things you have in your life. I wish you much happiness, peace and contentment and again, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Hugs to you.
Hi Kathryn, I don't post on here much, but I've been following your journey since last August and I want to tell you what an inspiration you are to me and to so many others on this forum. My spouse is still living, but I would hope that if/when something happens to him that I would be able to live as you have lived this past year. I love your philosophy of life and your joy for living. Of course, I know you have had your sad and grieving times as well, and that it's not been an easy road. But I'm so happy for you that you are making your own way and seeing all the good things you have in your life. I wish you much happiness, peace and contentment and again, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Hugs to you.
Wow, THANK YOU. I am so serious. I certainly haven't set out to be any sort of inspiration, and I wonder if sometimes people think I haven't grieved enough, when the reality is that I grieve often and every single day - but I also just have a naturally fun loving personality and I don't WANT to be sad and find it just about impossible to be blue for very long.
I think that's part of why God allowed me to fall and seriously break my right arm - so that I would BE STILL and process things, and boy did I process them. I think I cried for two weeks solid, and then off and on for weeks afterward and I couldn't tell you where the physical pain ended and the emotional pain began. It was a very dark time in my life, but it was also very necessary. It was also the first holiday season without my beloved husband. Oh and I live in east Texas and moved here primarily to avoid lots of ice and snow, and we had the absolute worst ice and snow storm we'd ever had here this past winter. And it snowed - a lot (for us - nearly a foot of snow) - and twice! I also moved - well had movers move me (that was an adventure). So yes, lots and lots of stresses and weirdness.
But things are calming down and I'm getting accustomed to my new life and new self identity. Now that the shock has worn off, I am realizing just how much I really love living alone, more than I ever thought I would. Frankly, I can't imagine allowing some new person into my house, into my closet, my master bath, my bed. I got a kick out of a study done by the US census bureau of all things - it was stating that only 2 percent of women who are widowed get remarried and when asked why, these are the top three answers that they consistently gave:
1) I don't want to ever lose anyone else like that again.
2) I don't want to lose my independence.
3) I'm not attracted to older men.
I can totally relate to all three reasons, and in that order too!
Anyway, enough about all that. I'm going to piddle around the house today and probably finish watching the third season of Virgin River - which is exactly what I want to do today, nothing more and nothing less. I already gave platelets today and oddly, for the first time ever, I feel sort of drained and tired. Usually it doesn't affect me much if at all. Oh well. I have platelets to spare so I give them regularly. Hey, I've already taken off my bra so I am home for good! LOL a friend of mine called me and asked if I wanted to go do anything and I told her just that. Stick a fork in me, I'm done!
I'm coming up on a very bittersweet time of memories in my life from a year ago. A year ago, my husband was furloughed temporarily and we spent the entire month of August home together. We did tons of things together and I remember them all very clearly. My husband seemed to be in excellent health and we did a lot of things like going to Fort Worth for the day, getting the boat out on the lake, swimming every single day in our pool, having people over, etc. I just found some mustard that we bought a year ago because my husband had discovered a fabulous grilling recipe that called for mustard (something to do with salmon - it was delicious!). I guess I should throw that mustard away but frankly it reminds me of shopping with him and spending many an evening outside while he grilled, and how we'd mix up the topping for the salmon together in the kitchen.
It was very, very difficult for me to go into the grocery store for a long time after he died, because going to the meat and fish counter was so full of memories for me. Heck, just going to that store was full of memories for me, PARKING in that parking lot was full of memories. I'm glad I've moved, because I rarely go to that grocery store anymore, or even drive past it.
I think tomorrow I am going to go to the columbarium where his ashes and those of my parents are kept. I like to visit there every few months. I don't feel like any of them are THERE, but it's a place where I can see and touch all their names and the dates they were born and died, and think about how blessed I was by each of their births and each of their lives.
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Solly says — Be nice!
It's okay to not be okay
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