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I agree with this but I also believe that some people take on their grief as their identity and wow, that drives me crazy. Like the story I've shared of the woman who is about a year older than me, who was online as a big winter storm was moving in and she was all fretful and saying "What should I do about my inground pool? I'M JUST A POOR 60 YEAR OLD WIDOW WOMAN!" GRRRRRR! For starters, she's not too poor if she has an inground pool. And secondly, she's not some elderly widow woman with a storm bearing down on her, sitting in a corner in a rocking chair wringing a handkerchief and wearing a lace doily over her head! She's a year older than me, a woman in charge of property and when people began to tell her how to winterize her pool (no one was offering to go over and do it but plenty of people were offering her sound advice), she began saying "Oh, I can't do that! I'll just pray that things work out OK!" I hope she's STILL waiting for equipment! LOL
I was so mad at her. There I was, out in zero degree weather with a flashlight draining my pumps in driving snow - it didn't kill me, and my husband had been dead just a few months.
I have officially failed at Bereavement Counseling. My therapist has kicked me out. And it's about time.
The straw that broke the camel's back? That I should acknowledge my anger at my husband for 'contributing' to his death. WTF? My husband hid his illness from me. Didn't go to a doctor until it was too late. There was a PANDEMIC going on! His whole life, my husband's first and only thought was for me. Keeping me safe. He didn't break quarantine because he feared for me. Did she not have a TV? How can anybody not know how bad it was in the NYC area? He gave no thought to his own life because he feared so greatly for mine.
I have every feeling on this earth inside me. I have guilt that I didn't notice how sick he was. I have anger that the PANDEMIC wasn't gotten under control as fast as other countries managed to do. I am pissed at the world because THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I miss him soooo much. On and on and on. There is no anger at my husband, that man's very first thought was always for me. His very last thought was for me.
Did your loved one have bad habits or bad decisions that contributed (even if only in an ancillary way) to their death. How did you handle it?
My bereavement counselor says I am taking my anger at my husband out on her.
Mine did. He smoked. The doctors couldn't find any other reason for the stroke. He also was very high strung, got intense about things, which likely also didn't help.
It doesn't make me angry. That's how he was. I take the good with the bad. You are never going to change anyone. You go into a relationship like that unable to deal with a partner's flaws thinking you'll change them, you're asking for heartache. That is what my sister in law did and her relationship with my brother is miserable. Everyone has flaws, the question is if the good qualities make up for the bad qualities.
I think I'm more angry at myself for being this way. Maybe if I tried to make him change, he would have smoked less?? Should I have been a more demanding wife? I wonder what I did wrong. But I know ultimately it wouldn't have helped. It would have just caused more agitation in our marriage; there was so little of that.
I never went to therapy and I'm glad I did not. I don't think it would have helped me much, but that's me. I understand it can be very helpful to those who are grieving. I do wish I had made time for a widow/widowers group. Talking about my husband and what happened helps me the most.
It makes me happy to know as he was passing away, he wanted to make sure I knew that he loved me. The last thing he said. I miss him so much even now. It just makes me happy to know that in not too long a time we will be together again at the resurrection, and at that time there will be no sadness or pain or anything that will come between us again.
I have officially failed at Bereavement Counseling. My therapist has kicked me out. And it's about time.
The straw that broke the camel's back? That I should acknowledge my anger at my husband for 'contributing' to his death. WTF? My husband hid his illness from me. Didn't go to a doctor until it was too late. There was a PANDEMIC going on! His whole life, my husband's first and only thought was for me. Keeping me safe. He didn't break quarantine because he feared for me. Did she not have a TV? How can anybody not know how bad it was in the NYC area? He gave no thought to his own life because he feared so greatly for mine.
I have every feeling on this earth inside me. I have guilt that I didn't notice how sick he was. I have anger that the PANDEMIC wasn't gotten under control as fast as other countries managed to do. I am pissed at the world because THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I miss him soooo much. On and on and on. There is no anger at my husband, that man's very first thought was always for me. His very last thought was for me.
Did your loved one have bad habits or bad decisions that contributed (even if only in an ancillary way) to their death. How did you handle it?
My bereavement counselor says I am taking my anger at my husband out on her.
Have you found a different counselor? Or are you going to any sort of group? How are you dealing with your grief? Just checking in.
Feelings of anger and guilt and all that are completely normal and in my experience the best way to address ANY feelings you have is to face them head on, take them out, look closely at them, turn them over, mull them over. immerse yourself in them, and do not be afraid. Yes, you may feel bad for a bit - but running from our feelings also feels bad and in my experience, when we address our feelings they INSTANTLY become manageable. For instance, I have discussed my "ugly crying" after my dad died. I had his medical POA and had to make the decision to turn off his life support, and the image of him dying by drowning (pneumonia) haunted me for many months, even though I knew logically that I had made the best decision FOR HIM, which was, well, the point. It was what he would have chosen if he'd been able to talk. But anyway, I was going to grief counseling and the counselor had encouraged me to allow my emotions to surface, to address them, etc. so one day I found myself sobbing and wailing, literally wailing, on my knees in my office. And you know how long that lasted? About 5 minutes. And then I felt a whole lot, A WHOLE LOT, better. And you know what - I don't think I've cried about my dad since. I have gotten sort of teary eyed, and I've smiled wistfully, and I remember him with great fondness now, but that was the end of the replay, over and over again, of his death, and at that moment, that very moment, the memories of all our decades together and the joy we found in each other began dominating my memories, and now when I remember my dad, it's nearly always a pleasant experience.
Same with my husband. I miss him in a different way from my dad, of course. I miss my husband with every fiber of my being. But I am adjusting to life without him, and slowly, slowly, my gratitude for having him in my life is outpacing the grief. It's a slow haul but I'm getting there and I know I am. I think I will always be scarred but I think I will also always be more grateful than scarred if that makes sense. Would I have rather known him and loved him, with all his faults and flaws, than NOT had him in my life? I am so grateful to have had him, every bit of him, the good and the bad, and I thank God for him every single day of my life.
I was never particularly angry at my husband or my dad or my mom or my brother for their deaths, even though I felt like their chosen lifestyles contributed to their deaths. Hey, get this - WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Our bodies ARE going to break down and WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. Typically between the ages of 70 and 90, but sometimes sooner and sometimes later. So we may as well just sit back and enjoy the ride while it lasts. That may sound trite, but to me, it's the truth. Even my loved one's choices which contributed to their deaths, were made for their own reasons, their own enjoyment of life as they knew it.
My late wife started smoking in 1964 as a teenager. Tried many times to quit as an adult, but was never successful. Died from small cell carcinoma approx 50 years later. It would make me angry but I saw how hard she tried to quit. We all have our own bad habits. My own poor dietary habits have given me diabetes, high blood pressure, etc, so how can I judge her or you?
This is not true at all - that we all have bad habits like smoking and bad diet.
Most people do NOT smoke (only about 14% of people in the U.S. smoke these days), and millions upon millions of people in the U.S. and throughout the world have a very good healthy diet.
As far as any other equivalent bad habits, most people do not have them. .... (most people do not drink to a very unhealthy degree, as an example)
Last edited by matisse12; 09-05-2021 at 02:43 PM..
This is not true at all - that we all have bad habits like smoking and bad diet.
Most people do NOT smoke (only about 14% of people in the U.S. smoke these days), and millions upon millions of people in the U.S. and throughout the world have a very good healthy diet.
As far as any other equivalent bad habits, most people do not have them. .... (most people do not drink to a very unhealthy degree, as an example)
A lot of people smoked in the 1960s. I can't say what I'd like to about your post because I'd be kicked out of here.
This is not true at all - that we all have bad habits like smoking and bad diet.
Most people do NOT smoke (only about 14% of people in the U.S. smoke these days), and millions upon millions of people in the U.S. and throughout the world have a very good healthy diet.
As far as any other equivalent bad habits, most people do not have them. .... (most people do not drink to a very unhealthy degree, as an example)
>40% of Americans are obese, and another >30% are overweight, total is 71.6% of adults aged 20 and over.
I totally understand thread drift, but we need to keep in mind that this is the grief and mourning forum. While in a lot of other forums it’s appropriate to do the facts and figures thing; here we need to tread lightly. Because as a general rule people don’t post here unless they are in the midst of a great deal of grief and pain. People who come here are sorting things out. When posting in this forum one needs to keep that in mind, especially when a topic gets listed in the active topics section and you’re coming in to what could be a very sensitive issue.
I totally understand thread drift, but we need to keep in mind that this is the grief and mourning forum. While in a lot of other forums it’s appropriate to do the facts and figures thing; here we need to tread lightly. Because as a general rule people don’t post here unless they are in the midst of a great deal of grief and pain. People who come here are sorting things out. When posting in this forum one needs to keep that in mind, especially when a topic gets listed in the active topics section and you’re coming in to what could be a very sensitive issue.
Who knows what causes cancer? Was it smoking in his youth, bad diet, and/or poor exercise that contributed to my husband's cancer? Did his sweet tooth and junk food cause a recurrence after surgery and chemo and a year of remission? I recall feeling angry at his bad eating habits for a short time, and then feeling resigned. He was going to do what he was going to do, and there was no nutrition counseling to help him short of "eat as much as you can".
As he got sicker, I got very angry - angry at the cancer, angry that I was running the house myself and taking care of him and two cats and working full time, angry that we were fighting a losing battle. Every time I look at my banged-up pastry blender I think of the day I slammed the kitchen drawer shut with such force that it bent stainless steel, and how scared he was for me that I was that angry. Like everything else, though, you learn to live with it until it passes.
And 10 years later, you buy a new pastry blender. Yes, I finally threw the damn thing away and got a new one.
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Solly says — Be nice!
