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Old 01-01-2022, 10:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by upnorthretiree View Post
I spent a lot of this past week looking at family pictures of my parents. I’m with you guys!
Good to know I'm not alone. Thanks Up...
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Old 01-01-2022, 10:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Thanks for sharing, Mink57 and Charlotte born (my mother's name was Charlotte!)

Mine died March 28, 2020, in her sleep in her own bed at home. I found her. Her heart and kidneys gave out, but her mind was strong to the end.

I miss her. Always will.
Thanks MQ. I know that you and I have a shared 'demographic', so we're 'kin' in that regard. I can't imagine if I had found my mom deceased in her bed.

I just...can't.

But my mom's mind was also strong to the end. In fact, several doctors/nurses commented on her mind. And body! She didn't have any signs of forgetfulness (although I wish she did when I was a kid, lol!), or Alzheimer's. And her physiological levels were that of a "25 year old". Even though she smoked and ate cholesterol-laden foods, her levels were NORMAL. The only time she was in the hospital, before her breathing episode was 60 years earlier...when she gave birth...

The only thing she couldn't do was...

...breathe.
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Old 01-01-2022, 11:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Basiliximab View Post
I'm sorry. Your post is so touching and I can see how much you loved your mom. I'm happy for you that you had such a great relationship with her; we who do have that have so much to be thankful for, though to me it doesn't mean that much since they're gone. For me I had an amazing relationship with my husband which not everyone does, but it doesn't mean much now.

Your mom reminds me of how my husband would need to smoke which had to be what caused his stroke; the doctors couldn't figure out anything else since his health numbers (blood pressure, pulse rate, cholesterol both good and bad) were all exceptional, stats which someone in their twenties and thirties of a very healthy person would have. He had a very minor stroke days before we were married which he completely recovered from. He tried to stop smoking, but even with Chantix which is supposed to be like the miracle drug to stop, he still couldn't do it.

I'm so grateful that my parents are still with me and that somehow I still have a good relationship with them (especially my mom); I say that because they really didn't care for my husband and that caused a bit of a rift between us for a time. It did get better as time went on and we were happily married, but my husband didn't live long enough for them to welcome him as really part of the family (like they have with my sister's husband).

I'm still living in Pennsylvania where I moved when I married my husband and I'm at a point in my life where I know any day now could be either of my parent's last--especially my dad because he has really bad kidney problems. I've been seriously considering moving back closer to be with my parents. I just started to look into transferring with my company and also applied at another. I'm just like, still not 100% certain. I just started with the company in May 2020 and like I'm so tired of up and leaving companies like this (with a transfer it wouldn't be leaving, but I'd still be leaving the market where they really are short of workers in my position right now; so it would be hard on my district manager). Last time was when I moved here I started with CVS in June 2016. Work conditions got so bad there (see the "lack of staff in the medical field" in current events forum), when I applied at another company and got an offer I went with them. That's the one I'm at now where I started in 5/2020.

So I don't even know if I'll be able to transfer with the company and the other it will depend on what the offer is, I think. But I feel more and more than if I do get an opportunity to be able to spend time with my parents while they're still here and I don't that I'll really regret it. I'm just bummed that I haven't heard from my company about the transfer--I was hoping it would be kind of quick since there was an opening right there for the exact same position I have now. But, they surely have lots of other people and likely went with someone else. Well, if nothing opens up I'm going to have to stay here. Was just hoping that it was meant for me to go there, but it could be that I'm supposed to be here. I keep praying about it.

Well, sorry for the long tangent. It's just been on my mind with my parents aging. And I know like even though there was that little rift between me and my mom that whenever she is not here I will be like so so very lonely. She is like my best friend really. Once I lost my husband. It's really tough for me to connect to people and I have like not-too-close friends, but I don't enjoy being comfortable around them. I feel like I have to be "on" and act a certain way. My mom's the only one left where I really just feel totally comfortable being around.

Thank you for sharing the story about your mom, Mink. I pray you will be comforted.
Thanks, Basil. You had a lot of good things to say in your post.

In my life, I've usually been the one to comfort others. But this day...(which has turned into several days), I'm just like...beside myself.

But thanks. Your words (and others who have posted) have made a world of difference to me! Would love to hug all of you.

I'm sure I'll "snap out of it" soon. Hearing about other's stories is a HUGE help to me, so I'm grateful to all of you who've shared yours...

I'm humbled. So...thank you...(hugs)
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Old 01-01-2022, 11:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mink57 View Post
Intellectually, I know it'll get easier. Don't know why TODAY it's rough...
Sometimes you don't know why. You can be fine, and then it hits you. It might be triggered by something that reminds you of the person... or it might just suddenly happen. That's normal. Unpleasant, but normal.
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Old 01-01-2022, 12:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Sometimes you don't know why. You can be fine, and then it hits you. It might be triggered by something that reminds you of the person... or it might just suddenly happen. That's normal. Unpleasant, but normal.
Yup. Something that could happen may be the result of something else that happened. Or something good... May not be even something 'significant', but just triggers a memory, of some sort..

Right now, even a few days after Christmas, I'm remembering so many things....
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Old 01-01-2022, 07:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57 View Post
Yup. Something that could happen may be the result of something else that happened. Or something good... May not be even something 'significant', but just triggers a memory, of some sort..

Right now, even a few days after Christmas, I'm remembering so many things....
For me, there doesn't even always have to be a trigger or a memory. It just hits me all of a sudden. Or, maybe it's the same "trigger" I've had before with no issue but this time there is one. Grief and missing someone are funny things... not at all predictable. In some ways that makes them harder to take, when you can't even know what will happen.
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Old 01-01-2022, 08:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
For me, there doesn't even always have to be a trigger or a memory. It just hits me all of a sudden. Or, maybe it's the same "trigger" I've had before with no issue but this time there is one. Grief and missing someone are funny things... not at all predictable. In some ways that makes them harder to take, when you can't even know what will happen.
I get what you're saying. In *my* case, I actually figured out the "trigger".

My oldest daughter sent me two Christmas gifts that I received the day before Christmas. One was a small "table-top" Christmas tree. The kind that's about 18" tall...lights...a dusting of snow...and a plastic gold star on top. I was on the phone with her when I opened the gift.

Then, we got off the phone, and I plugged the tree in to light up the lights.

THAT'S when the 'flood gates' opened. I remembered that I bought my mom the same tree...brought it to her hospital room and plugged it in on Christmas day, 2017. I made a Christmas meal for her that day. Cornish Hens (which she always loved)...stuffing...yams...asparagus...and a few other food delights, that I brought to her hospital bed. She wanted some wind chimes...the big ones...the 'deep sounding' ones. Got those for her, too. Eating that meal with her, I got the feeling that this would be the last Christmas meal we would share...

She came home on January 25th. Ate one of her favorite meals. Was bedridden for the next 10 days, and 10 days after that...she was gone.

After that, I had to scramble. I had 14 days to move. Couldn't stay there, because I wasn't on the lease. Once I moved, I was able to put all of her belongings into storage...

...and then became homeless for a while.

She was homeless too, for a while.

I dunno. I just...miss her. I miss her humor...her sense of style...her face...her organization...her intellect...We just had this special 'connection'. We actually had our own 'language' between us, LOL!

Like I said...I just...miss her...
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Old 01-01-2022, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
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Mine has been gone 12 years now but it stays with me. Here's what my daughter and I did - we both figured out a way to imagine her dropping in to say "hi."

Her idea was a summertime one. Every time we see a monarch butterfly we say, "Mom/Grandma is checking in on us." (Her trademark as a schoolteacher was allowing them to "hatch out" in her classroom at the beginning of every school year.) Mine was that superstitious idea that when you look at the clock and the numbers say, "1:11" that's my mom.

Like people say, once you notice something like this it seems to happen all the time.

We really did have a startling and touching experience right before Christmas when we went to "The Nutcracker Suite" ballet. That was something the three of us had done together for years. The music was supposed to start a one o'clock but there was a delay. When daughter checked the time to see if it wasn't time yet her clock said, "1:11." She said, "Look Mom. Bestie isn't going to miss it."

Sentimental us had a tear or two as the music began. It was a pleasant surprise.
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Old 01-06-2022, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
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The third year anniversary of my mom's death is coming up in a few days (January 15). My mom had vascular dementia. She was also bipolar so a healthy relationship with her had always been difficult at best. But she was a good person and I also always knew that.

Anyway, I was totally responsible for her since my other two (younger) brothers were long distance and ill themselves. It was such a hard time. She was completely bedridden for the last few weeks of her life and was unresponsive. EXCEPT when her sisters came to see her one last time. I think she knew it was the last time (I know they knew). She was unresponsive but as they were leaving her room, she raised her hand and waved goodbye to them, and all our hearts broke into a million pieces. This was just a week or so before she died.

I remember actually sitting in the bathtub crying and praying for God to take her, to put her out of her misery, but then feeling so guilty for praying for my mom to die. It was a terrible, terrible time.

You know, I believe that every life has meaning for every single minute. My mom had deteriorated so much. She hadn't spoken in weeks. She wasn't eating. Hospice was keeping her clean and keeping her mouth and other membranes moist but it was so pitiful. Honestly, I began to hope she would die just to put an end on things. But then, the Sunday night after my crying and praying jag, I had the most vivid dream. In that dream, I saw my mom sitting up in her bed, like she had been a few weeks earlier, and she was so aware and cognizant (like she had been then - she was rallying which is common for people who are dying). She said, as she'd said in real life "I've made mistakes, I've made mistakes," and in the dream, instead of just saying "Mom, don't worry about it - everyone makes mistakes but your kids love you so, so much," (which I had said), I also said "And I've made mistakes too, which hurt you, and I'm sorry for those." I apologized to HER. Which was important for me, not for her. I knew that like most mothers, she would say "Oh goodness, don't even think about that," or something like that. I mean, if she could speak. So I woke up and rushed to her bedside. I was able to apologize to her and to tell her that even though she wasn't responsive, she was still a witness and a push so to speak for other people, who were still learning from her. I believe she heard me, but who knows for real? No one knows. But I know I was able to tell her what I needed to tell her. And then she died two days later.

So maybe that was why she stayed alive for so long. I don't know.

Anyway, OP, I am so sorry about your mom and about your subsequent struggles. I sincerely hope things are improving in your life today. I've lost both my parents and I miss them both every day. It's hard. You're not alone.
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Old 01-21-2022, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Manhattan
8,911 posts, read 4,698,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Sometimes you don't know why. You can be fine, and then it hits you. It might be triggered by something that reminds you of the person... or it might just suddenly happen. That's normal. Unpleasant, but normal.
And that's so annoying...! My dad passed away 5/2014. I didn't cry at his funeral. I didn't cry all that much. I had tons of things to do and was preoccupied with making sure my mom was ok. I remember even complimenting myself thinking I'm handling this so well!

But... two years ago I made an entry on my diary saying to get "daffodils for dad" to place on his graveyard.
And looking at that entry made me cry so hard. It was weird! Why did that entry of all things affect me so much years after he had passed? And I kept half expecting to run into my dad out on the street for some reason just like old times. I know I can't/won't but I was like half expecting to. And once in awhile I feel compelled to pass the nursing home where he spent his last days in hospice & just gaze at that building as if he's still there...

Grieving is weird.
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