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Old 04-28-2022, 08:11 AM
 
Location: 49th parallel
4,593 posts, read 3,242,623 times
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So, so sorry to hear of your loss. I think about the possibility of this happening to me almost every single day, as my husband is eight years older than me. The fact that we are never prepared for this sort of thing is almost a given, because it is usually a once in a lifetime thing that happens to someone. I think you did very well to remember your neighbor who is so connected with the police and to call her. Turns out she was a great one to call as she could advise you, and also she came over to be with you right away. It must be difficult living so far out of town.

I will be thinking about you and hoping that people around you have stepped up and come to help you - and the dogs, and the grass. All these little things that we never think of that we now have to do ourselves. Stay strong.
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Old 04-28-2022, 08:12 AM
 
Location: New England
3,177 posts, read 1,659,995 times
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51 is waaaay too young to go. FWIW, offering prayers going up.
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Old 04-28-2022, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,218,081 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
My sincere condolences, Molly. Nothing I say will provide anything for you. I can not relate to this, but when I read your part about going outside with the dogs, and seeing that the grass would need to be cut, how were you going to do that if you don't know how to operate the mower, and then asking yourself why are you thinking about the grass right now....not going to lie, it choked me up, because the gravity of it all really came out in that bit.

You were still thinking of normal life, then switched to 'how to take care of normal life', then switched to "the height of the grass is not the issue here!" because nothing is 'normal' now, and you had no idea when you went to bed the night before, how your entire world was about to change.

Whenever I hear a news story about someone passing on, however it is that they did, for some reason, the thought of them tying their shoes that morning always comes up in my mind. I don't know why, but I think it's the idea of the 'normal' suddenly ending. Pretty sure that's why your thought about mowing the grass got to me.
By the way, I wanted to address this, which is such an excellent observation. When my husband died, I could barely contain myself while they were doing the autopsy out of state and then sending his body back - I wanted that man back in Texas, back to me. But they also sent a package with his personal belongings in it, and the thing that got to me the most was that his shirt sleeves were rolled up. He had gotten up that morning, gotten dressed, ROLLED HIS SLEEVES UP to go to work, and then BAM. The ME said he had no pain and apparently no knowledge that he was about to meet his maker so to speak.

But you are so right - nothing is normal now. Except that it is. This is the new normal, that the OP never wanted, and now suddenly, the grass is her responsibility. That's what got me - it was all suddenly only my responsibility.

OP - the grass will get cut. One of your friends or family or neighbors will cut it this time, and maybe even a few times more if you're lucky. But eventually, we have to figure out the grass ourselves. We have to file taxes, we have to call a plumber if something stops working or whatever, we have to pay the bills, we have to eventually take death certificates around or mail them to people and get all accounts only in our names. I look back now on everything I've done over the past two years and it's amazing - but get this - I did it when I had to do it and not before. And people were all understanding, kind, gentle, etc. There's a reason why the IRS gives a widow three years (I believe in your case longer because your husband was still alive in 2022, but check on that down the road - NOT NOW, YOU'RE FINE NOW) before we have to file single instead of married, filing jointly. It takes time to process this whole thing.

Right now, all you need to worry about - and it's enough - is getting whatever types of services together, and an obituary. I contacted one friend, who arranged the pall bearers for me. I don't even remember contacting him, maybe he contacted me, I honestly don't remember.

Get this - my husband died during a COVID lockdown, so we didn't even go out to eat after the funeral, but no one will blame you if you don't. You do whatever you need to do. Personally, for me, I took a mild sedative before the funeral, and after the funeral I came home and just went to my room and laid down. I don't even remember much about the funeral. I do remember the visitation, probably more than the funeral, because I was FINALLY able to see my precious husband. I know I took some clothes to the funeral home, but I don't remember getting them together. The funeral home was excellent and made things very easy for me. He had an open casket because he looked fine. Get this - his death was sudden and unexpected and he had friends and family literally all over the world, so his funeral was FILLED with flowers and plants. I started to write thank you notes and then I realized it was so many it would take me days if not weeks, and I'd just be sad, sad, sad the whole time. So for the first time in my life, I didn't send a single thank you note for flowers. However, I did send thank you notes for food, which is weird, I know, but hey, my point is that I did what I felt like I could do, and nothing more, and so what - no one seemed to care and if they did, get this, I don't care. Don't care. Don't try to please everyone. You are the bereaved wife - you can do whatever makes you feel better and those who love you will understand.

I told my oldest daughter when she got there (about a day after he died), "Take me out. I am going to do two bad things - I am going to go buy a Dyson vacuum cleaner, with no cord - and I am going to go back to the Catholic Church." Yes, so bad. Later she told me that she told all my friends and neighbors "Don't let her drive - she seems fine but she's not." And she was right - I was messed up. In fact, a few weeks after my husband died, I was driving somewhere and had a little fender bender (just me, no other vehicle involved, and I was only going about 5 miles an hour!). So expect, in no particular order - an illness or injury to yourself, possibly a fender bender (I've known many widows who experienced just this), and trouble sleeping which impacts so much. Oh, and I had zero appetite. I lost 25 pounds after my husband died - which I've gained back unfortunately but oh well.

OP, I just want to repeat that I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I do understand it. If you want to reach out to me, I am here for you. This is a good forum - lots of support.
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Old 04-28-2022, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Maine's garden spot
3,466 posts, read 7,192,498 times
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So sorry for your loss. It is very hard. The shock of everything being different was/is a big thing to get accustomed to.
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Old 04-28-2022, 09:07 AM
 
16,893 posts, read 16,161,193 times
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Molly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. You've just had your life turned upside down and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad your mom and aunt have been able to be there for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 04-28-2022, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,280 posts, read 34,402,478 times
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Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry. I lost my first husband about 15 years ago when he was 43, similar situation, but he died somewhere else.

Even going through it I can't imagine what it must have been like finding him that way. I am so glad your neighbor was there for you.

I'm sure you are still in shock right now, and that's not a bad thing.

You WILL get through this, but no lie, it's going to hard.

Don't worry about "weird" thoughts, I had a constant "weird thought" parade for a good year.
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Old 04-28-2022, 09:28 AM
 
Location: OH->FL->NJ
16,934 posts, read 12,478,619 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post

1. I like my independence too much.
2. I never want to experience loss like that again.
3. I don't find older men to be attractive.

I can totally understand that.
My mom will never say it out loud, but after taking care of my dad for his last few years. My mom misses having him around but absolutely loves being able to just do her thing.

OP

Youtube is often a great source for how to do things if you dont have someone to show you the basics and help the transition.

My landlord's 75 year old GF runs their mower. It is not complicated (They live in the house behind us)

PS. Look up wheelie bins if you find the trash too heavy.
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Old 04-28-2022, 09:43 AM
 
815 posts, read 969,000 times
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Thank you all so much. I cannot even express how much your kind words have comforted me.

I have been a member of CD for around 10 years. I don't post much but spend a lot of time just reading the various threads. I feel like I "know" so many of you, just from reading posts over the years.

I came to Grief and Morning initially when my dad passed in February of 2021. I don't think I posted, but I read all the posts and it reassured me that my feelings were "normal".

I have read Kathryn's thread over the past year about losing her husband. I was often amazed at the strength and resilience she demonstrated and often thought that there was no way I could endure that if it happened to me. And now here I am.

I am 8 years older than my husband and just turned 60. We always joked around that I married a younger man so I would have someone to take care of me when I got old and feeble.
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Old 04-28-2022, 09:53 AM
 
15,631 posts, read 26,112,792 times
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I am so sorry for your loss!

Coming up on three years for me, Molly, and let me tell you, sudden death throws you for a loop. It sounds as if your family respects you and your needs. Lean in as much as you need to.

I know a lot of people will tell you that grief therapy is great, my experience with that wasn’t so good, but I can tell you that my husband was a organ/tissue donor, and the donor network group was probably the best grief therapy I could have. And this board helped a great deal too. I express myself better via the written word. My spoken grief therapy was unproductive. Rule number one find a grief therapist who has a flippin’ sense of humor.

I think we all have different ways of naming and dealing with the grief. I refer to my grief as the grief box. Others refer to it in different ways. But you need to find a way to name it or call it as your partner for the time being.
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Old 04-28-2022, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,280 posts, read 34,402,478 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
I think we all have different ways of naming and dealing with the grief. I refer to my grief as the grief box. Others refer to it in different ways. But you need to find a way to name it or call it as your partner for the time being.
I had never heard that, BUT I had what I felt was this "thing" on my shoulder that was observing and commenting.

It had no grief or emotions, it was like the rational part of my brain took up residence outside of my head.

OP, if you ever want to feel you are doing well with this horrible situation, drop me a line and I promise I will "out weird" you, if that's what you need.

Everyone who has thrown themselves in the clothes closet to smell their husband smell, raise your hand.

OP I found that dedicated widow boards helped me a LOT, but I did not like group grief counseling.

I think the internet works well as support because you can come and go as YOU need. Take what advice works for you, and ignore the rest.



Remember, just one step at a time, that's all you have to do. Do what you need to be kind to yourself.
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