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A few months ago she lost her dog to old age. The dog was her soulmate and she loved her with all her heart. Anyways, she's been sharing more pics and videos with me. It's all she thinks about. However, she said she hasn't been working, she's been sleeping every day and all day just thinking about her dog. She says she has done nothing, lately.
I asked her if she had been seeing any therapist and she said no, but people tell her she should. The other day I was told by the person at the shelter I go to, that there is an online support group for those that have lost pets. It's supposed to really help you.
So I messaged her about it and got no response. Not a thank you. And then I told her if she was free on this date, she could attend the online meeting. Do you know what she told me? She's too busy and has to work every single day.
And that's all she wrote. I don't understand why she isn't interested in learning more. Sometimes she would text me about her dog many times a day. She said it herself that she is doing nothing with her time. And now all of a sudden I find her a support group and she's too busy to help herself? Not interested? I don't understand. She goes weeks without getting out of bed. And now she doesn't even want to learn about this grieving group?
I'm not gonna call her out on it. But this is kind of frustrating. It's almost as if she doesn't want help or to get better. I thought she would have been stoked to learn that there's support out there. Now all of a sudden she goes from staying in bed to being too busy for it (overnight).
She may be embarrassed to see a therapist or join a group because a lot of people are dismissive about our grief over losing a beloved animal. Being told that it was "just a dog" or "just a cat" is NOT helpful, it is mean.
I still grieve over many of my departed pets, it still hurts to lose them no matter how long ago it's been. I sense your aggravation over her sending you pictures and stories of her dog, but that may be how she is handling her grief. She needs someone to tell her it's okay to cry and it's okay to hurt. Nobody grieves the same way someone else does. She has to get through her grief in her own way, just like anyone else.
The best cure for grief from the death of a beloved pet is adopting another one. There are plenty of pets at the human society who face extermination by remaining there for too long. It's a gift for her heart and the animal's heart and creates a new relationship between 2 beautiful souls.
It took me a year to recover from putting down my pet. I cried and cried. Still to this day, 2 years later, I talk to "Tommy" and pretend he is sleeping on my pillow like he always did. I am sad about it. I decided I shouldn't get a new pet because I cannot afford one on a pension and if I die before my lovely companion it would have ended up at the human society with no certainty he wouldn't end up in the gas chamber. I just couldn't be a part of that.
One of the hallmarks of serious depression is apathy. An inability to take steps to improve the situation. It saps energy, will, drive, everything. And, to come up with excuses why something, even a good thing, can't be done. On one hand, she probably realizes rationally that help would be beneficial, but she can't muster the energy to pursue it. Depression doesn't care about reason or logic. Believe me, I've been there multiple times.
It's a tough spot to find yourself in OP, but unless she demonstrates that she's posing a risk to herself or someone else, she isn't required to follow your advice. All you can do is be available, armed with some concrete but simple ideas. Things that can get put into place quickly. If she shows some hint that she's ready to help herself, you need to be ready to step up.
One suggestion to try. Instead of just giving her the information about the pet grief support group, attend a session or two yourself. Learn more about what goes on, listen to other people's stories, maybe describe your friend's situation. If you listen to other group members' stories you may see similarities to what your friend is going through. The next time she talks to you about it you can legitimately say you've heard something similar. She'll realize she's not the only one. Just knowing that can help. Someone in the group may also have helpful suggestions for you. At least you'll appreciate more about how the grieving process works and how best to be a supportive friend.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-10-2022 at 03:31 PM..
She may be embarrassed to see a therapist or join a group because a lot of people are dismissive about our grief over losing a beloved animal. Being told that it was "just a dog" or "just a cat" is NOT helpful, it is mean.
I still grieve over many of my departed pets, it still hurts to lose them no matter how long ago it's been. I sense your aggravation over her sending you pictures and stories of her dog, but that may be how she is handling her grief. She needs someone to tell her it's okay to cry and it's okay to hurt. Nobody grieves the same way someone else does. She has to get through her grief in her own way, just like anyone else.
That could be it that’s she’s embarrassed. She didn’t look at that dog as just a dog. I’m not aggravated over her sending me pics. I like that dog. But it’s her defeatist attitude. She did thank me for checking on her but I’m aggravated when she wasn’t positively responsive to the support group. The support group is for people like her.
One of the hallmarks of serious depression is apathy. An inability to take steps to improve the situation. It saps energy, will, drive, everything. And, to come up with excuses why something, even a good thing, can't be done. On one hand, she probably realizes rationally that help would be beneficial, but she can't muster the energy to pursue it. Depression doesn't care about reason or logic. Believe me, I've been there multiple times.
It's a tough spot to find yourself in OP, but unless she demonstrates that she's posing a risk to herself or someone else, she isn't required to follow your advice. All you can do is be available, armed with some concrete but simple ideas. Things that can get put into place quickly. If she shows some hint that she's ready to help herself, you need to be ready to step up.
One suggestion to try. Instead of just giving her the information about the pet grief support group, attend a session or two yourself. Learn more about what goes on, listen to other people's stories, maybe describe your friend's situation. If you listen to other group members' stories you may see similarities to what your friend is going through. The next time she talks to you about it you can legitimately say you've heard something similar. She'll realize she's not the only one. Just knowing that can help. Someone in the group may also have helpful suggestions for you. At least you'll appreciate more about how the grieving process works and how best to be a supportive friend.
You seem spot on. In some ways it seems like she doesn’t want to get better. In fact she even sees it as selfish to move on. You’re right. I can’t force her. Maybe I’ll check out that group. I almost found it insulting to my intelligence when she told me she’s too busy for the group. She just told me the other day she hadn’t been doing anything for weeks. But maybe this is just how she feels at the time.
I guess I’ll just be there for her and not force her. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink it.
Lots of good replies here. The only thing I might add or really emphasize, is the loss of a pet can be as devastating as human loss to some people. And as had been mentioned, might be embarrassing to admit. I will add , if they are telling you about it, they feel comfortable in the relationship and that is a good thing. Friends like you help people return from the grief stricken state of depression, especially if they aren’t comfortable talking to other people or professionals.
I have used professionals, friends, meds, time, alcohol, just about every solution there is, at one time or another in my lifetime. I will admit that professionals were the best, but friends were a close second.
Einhander,
My opinion....if you really want to help your friend, let this go and focus on your own life. Let her know that you are there to listen but back off from offering further advice and expecting her to do this your way.
I almost found it insulting to my intelligence when she told me she’s too busy for the group.
It's not about you.
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