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My youngest sister (YS) has essentially broken off contact with me and our other two sisters following the death of my mother just over six months ago.
I was always so proud of my family for the way we came together during times of difficulty. When my brother died in an accident 14 years ago, we supported one another through the grieving process. Toes got stepped on during this period of raw emotions, yet things got smoothed over because we all knew it was a time of being vulnerable.
My parents divorced several years after my brother died, which was hard for all of us. Mom took up permanent residence in Florida, while Dad stayed in New England. My mother's health began to decline several years ago and we were not able to see her often. (YS) had the least contact with Mom; she got upset with Mom over a call she made one Christmas, where my mother cut the conversation short to go meet with friends for Christmas dinner.
What is hard for the three eldest sisters is trying to understand why the youngest one is cutting us off. None of us want to play amateur psychiatrist, but its hard to wrap our heads around it. Mom's death came quickly and was not expected; during those first few weeks after she died, we seemed to pull together. Then it all began to fall apart.
Because YS is not communicating with us, we do not know the reasons behind it. The few emails we get deal only with the settlement of the estate, some of which have been harsh. None of us know how to approach the situation. We did try a conference call, where YS became hysterical and verbally attacked one sister, with much profanity laced into her tirade. She also yelled that she was sick of being treated like a baby by the rest of us for more than 45 years.
It is sad. My mother was extremely proud of her children and she would never have wanted this. Likewise, Dad loves us equally and it hurts to have lost precious relationships through death, including my brother, my parent's marriage, my mother and now our relationship with our sister.
I agree. It is VERY sad. I can understand why the YS went off on a tirade and told everyone to stop treating her like a baby, though.
In these situations, older siblings need to understand: that "kid brother" or "kid sister" you were able to get away with running roughshod over in the childhood years is could now be:
A highly successful MATURE ADULT, who has been running their lives successfully for quite a number of years, without a smidgen of help from the high and holy family elders.
He or she may even be financially and socially successful....maybe even a GRANDPARENT.
So why do older siblings think that a person with all that life experience under their belt would lay down and allow themselves to be the family doormat again, if they were one before???
After my younger brother grew up we were close and later, when he married, I also loved his wife. Since I had no sisters, she was the nearest, although, she had a sister. We were all on very friendly terms. As the years passed, everything remained that way, we shared secrets regularly. One big secret was kept from my parents that I smoked cigarettes. I'd long since stopped, but, she was not to know it ever happened. My brother decided to tell her. WHAT? I was shocked that he would betray me by blabbing it. I was not affected lightly, but, never said much to him. He was career military. He'd always seemed to be a relaxed sort, but, then, a type-A personality emerged for which I'd been unaware. So all this is leading up to I was planning to visit and my ticket had been purchased when he telephoned me complaining about something I was supposed to have emailed earlier, which I emailed when I said I would. He kept on railing at me that I had not sent it, blah blah blah... Then, it turns out his wife had deleted it, not realizing the importance to him.
After his diatribe, I didn't want to make the trip, but, I also didn't want to miss the 4 nights in NYC staying in a condo practically on Columbus Circle. I have flown many times, even 2 trips to Europe without ever being airsick, but, guess what? I was horribly ill all the way to Providence RI, then in the car going to the city. My bro/wife had just received a new car and were petrified I would be sick in that car. I had several airsick bags in my purse and assured them I would not mess up their car. During the 4 days in the city, parts of it went well and parts of it didn't. Then, on to their place for the rest of the visit. I was looking forward to leaving for home. The day arrived and I left. That was 10 years ago...haven't seen him since.
Our mother died a few months prior to my trip and after my return, I was going to see about getting the estate settled with whatever had to do done. I'd lived with our parents for several years because dad was slightly senile and they needed me there. I took the papers to an attorney and he said the will did not need to be probated because my parents left everything they owned to me. I was joint tenant on 2 houses and this had been done years before. I'd also been added to their bank accounts in the past. Only thing, the will left my brother $10,000. The lawyer told me not to send it to him. I thought I would, but, later decided not to. It ended our relationship. When I was visiting them his wife (her brother is a very rich man) told me all she had to do is snap her fingers and he would send whatever amount wanted. He already gave them money every year, plus, buying a mansion for them to live in and giving them cars regularly. I wonder about him, but, he had been in the habit of calling me at night just wanting to talk and me to only listen. I know he was drinking during these calls. They lasted too long, 2 to 3 hours. I don't miss them.
Family can let ya down! When it comes to money- money does weird things to people's brain--greed!
My brother cheated me out of any money or inheritance after my father's death! mod cut Everything was suppose to be split according to the will---nothing like taking advantage of a old man with Alzheimers.I suppose- this kind of thing happens to some people everywhere....it really sucks--and hurts deeply.More than words could ever say......
Last edited by Sam I Am; 04-14-2013 at 04:57 AM..
Reason: too many identifying personal comments
I am real sorry to hear this. Your brother is not able to be in the moment for whatever reason. Going by what you said you calling and leaving 3 messages to share furniture with him and then him tearing into you it sounds like he is really messed up. Him sending back the savings bond-horrible! He is very lost and he is not doing what he should to have a relationship with you. He is probably too influenced by his wife. I think you have done what you could and you have to be ready to allow him partly back in your life later when/if he realizes his mistake but for now build close friends to replace missing family.
You did what you could-feel no guilt. Move on. That is my opinion.
Money issues in a family just bring out issues that are already there. The vehicle is money, but it's much deeper. Maybe those that get what they want at another's expense feel more "loved" in a weird way. Not sure. Maybe it's the "winning" mentality. Maybe it's pure narcissism. I'm not sure. I saw it in my husband's family. Pathetic.
Lost my mother in 1996. My father in 2011. Oldest brother (he was also a friend) last week. At this relative's passing, two of the remaining brothers have decided to become monsters with vulture tendencies. Wouldn't help with the funeral but obsessed with plundering the deceased relative's belongings and carping about what was done with about $40 in the few sympathy cards we received. I share DNA with these people but after being verbally attacked and threatened at the funeral last week and the next older brother just sat there watching, I am physically repulsed by them. They let me do all the hard work, stress and emotional pain of planning the funeral alone, and I don't even get a thank you.
Lost my mother in 1996. My father in 2011. Oldest brother (he was also a friend) last week. At this relative's passing, two of the remaining brothers have decided to become monsters with vulture tendencies. Wouldn't help with the funeral but obsessed with plundering the deceased relative's belongings and carping about what was done with about $40 in the few sympathy cards we received. I share DNA with these people but after being verbally attacked and threatened at the funeral last week and the next older brother just sat there watching, I am physically repulsed by them. They let me do all the hard work, stress and emotional pain of planning the funeral alone, and I don't even get a thank you.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,570,883 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv
Time to become an only child.
After all my years of begging for siblings, when my parents died, I was glad I was an only child. After seeing what my daughter did to her siblings when Bob died and the greed and selfishness she showed them (and me), you would have thought she was his only heir as she went after everything. Because I called her on it and caught her embezzling, she's chosen to cut me out of her life because I distrusted her. Excuse me?
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