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I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
Death is very difficult and everybody deals with it in there own way. Maybe your sister does not want to address your mothers situation at the moment, maybe something happened between your sister and your mom that you know nothing about; maybe your sister has some other reason other than what she is telling you as to why she does not want to go. Who knows?
Anyhow, I take it your sister is a grown woman and if she feels she wants to mourn alone then just let her.
I dont think she is selfish. Everyone grieves differently. I have an uncle that abosolutly does not go to funerals, not my moms, his 2 brothers or even his fathers. We joke that he wont attend his own funeral. Its just the way he is.
Your uncle sounds like the new me. I don't want to attend ANYMORE funerals; I just don't see the point; the person is gone and hopefully they lived a rich full life.
If anything, the passing of a loved one should be a celebration do to (my belief) the transition they made and that they no longer live in a world that is full of suffering.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. To me personally, they are a waste of money and a public display of grieving that for many people, is better done in private. If the person who dies is elderly, there's a good chance most of their contemporaries are already dead or too infirm to travel to a funeral. It's also very possible in this economy, people who would like to attend simply can't afford it.
I am a notorious funeral skipper. But I went to see the people I cared about before they died. I shared time with them. I was there during those lonely times when no one else was around. I didn't feel guilty in the least about not attending their funerals. I was there when they were alive.
When my parents died, we elected to have no funerals. All their loved ones were quite old or couldn't have easily afforded the trip. We told people to donate to charities in their name if the wished to do something in their memory. My sister and I spent more than a decade taking care of our parents when they were ill and dying. We had both already done more than our share. Funerals, BAH. Where were all those people who loved our parents so much when they were alive? Their time would have been much better spent if they had come over once or twice and sat with mom or dad for an hour so we could make a trip to the store or get some important errand run.
This is a great post. I'm sorry about your mother. You sister is an adult and knows what she's feeling and doing. I hate funerals, and going to a close family members funeral is traumatic. You are not there to say goodbye to them. They aren't there, it's just a tradition. I know I will never look at another person who has died, at their funeral. Unfortunately, I've felt like I had to attend quite a few funerals, and I could tell you some stories regarding the trauma. I hope to never attend another funeral in my life, until it's mine, of course. They are incredibly expensive if you don't have burial insurance, so if families can't afford one, there's just another reason not to have the traditional funeral. I have noticed more and more people are having only graveside services, which are cheaper, but, still expensive.
This is a great post. I'm sorry about your mother. You sister is an adult and knows what she's feeling and doing. I hate funerals, and going to a close family members funeral is traumatic. You are not there to say goodbye to them. They aren't there, it's just a tradition. I know I will never look at another person who has died, at their funeral. Unfortunately, I've felt like I had to attend quite a few funerals, and I could tell you some stories regarding the trauma. I hope to never attend another funeral in my life, until it's mine, of course. They are incredibly expensive if you don't have burial insurance, so if families can't afford one, there's just another reason not to have the traditional funeral. I have noticed more and more people are having only graveside services, which are cheaper, but, still expensive.
Yea, that is a good post, and so is yours in that I agree that the enormous cost to have a funeral is just not justified. I just don't see the point of metal caskets and thousands of dollars spent on buying them?
Speaking of burial, I saw a video the other day about the Inca civilization and how they would bury there dead in a crouch position in the dirt facing the East so the body's could face the rising sun every morning. It was VERY interesting to say the least.
Anyhow, 2,000 years from now, when they do excavations on our civilization, I wonder what they will think of us when they dig up graves of people who were buried in there cars (some guy on the news was buried in his corvette) or in there gold, silver lined caskets.
I hate psychobabble, because it allows one to rationalize just about any kind of selfishness. Since when did self-actualization become the highest good in the universe?
In case your sister doesn't understand this, the point of a funeral is to honor the deceased, comfort the family, and sort through the aftermath of a loved one's death. It is not therapy. Adults understand this.
At the very least, this is a woman who bore you in her womb for nine months, wiped your bottom, stayed up all night for you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you everywhere you wanted to go, made you breakfast, lunch, and dinner, laundered your clothes, organized your birthday parties, taught you to put on makeup, coached you in math, comforted you through breakups with your boyfriends, paid for your tuition, and generally sacrificed her time, money, sleep, and everything else to fulfill almost every whim of yours from the time you were born until the time you left home. All without reservation or even serious complaint.
And now, you're saying that attending a one-hour funeral service in her honor is too much of an inconvenience or too big of a bummer to attend. Do you realize how shallow this really is?
I appreciate your opinion, but I'm not sure whose mom you're describing in your post. Not to go into too much detail, but we grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and aside from being in her womb for 9 months, your description is the complete opposite of how it was in reality for us. I suppose that could be part of the reason my sister doesn't feel like she needs to be there....
I appreciate your opinion, but I'm not sure whose mom you're describing in your post. Not to go into too much detail, but we grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and aside from being in her womb for 9 months, your description is the complete opposite of how it was in reality for us. I suppose that could be part of the reason my sister doesn't feel like she needs to be there....
Possibly, but so what? She still gave you life. Did she starve you? Might be nice if you'd given us the entire picture from the get-go.
Possibly, but so what? She still gave you life. Did she starve you? Might be nice if you'd given us the entire picture from the get-go.
Didn't think it was necessary to go into any ugly family history. I'm pretty close to my mom, as are my younger siblings. Just wanted opinions. I didn't think I needed to go over our entire history to see if one of us should or shouldn't go to the funeral...
Didn't think it was necessary to go into any ugly family history. I'm pretty close to my mom, as are my younger siblings. Just wanted opinions. I didn't think I needed to go over our entire history to see if one of us should or shouldn't go to the funeral...
Exactly. i will not attend my mother's funeral when the time comes. In my mind she is already gone. If you want my story read "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls. Exactly my upbringing.
In any case, I don't attend any funerals. I tell people how I feel about them every day. I tell my friends, family that I love them all the time. There is never any unfinished business. Maybe it's because I see dead people every day but I just don't see the necessity in going to a ceremony at a church (since I'm an atheist it is a bit hypocritical anyway) and I think that traditional embalming, burial, etc is a waste of space and resources. This is just my opinion. My dad just said the other day, what do I need funeral insurance for? They're not gonna let me just lay there, somebody's gonna dig a hole and roll me into it.
My feeling is, we all have enough negativity in our lives. Let's let everyone decide for themselves if attending a funeral is the right thing for them, without the attendant guilt trip. As far as explaining where someone else is, don't feel obligated. Say "somewhere else". If you feel like you need your sibling there for support, tell them, and then let them decide. Maybe as much as you need support, they need space and time and privacy. Maybe you could just forgive them for being human.
I am so sorry to hear of your mother's illness. My thoughts are with you and your family.
In answer to the OP - No, your sister needs to do her best to deal with your mother's passing in her own way. All of your family should try to be very understanding that each and every one of you are dealing with a very difficult passage and you will each deal with it in a different way. This is a time for understanding and support. Everyone is under a great deal of stress and may forget how important each family member and friend is. No one can afford to be petty at this time.
I don't follow any particular religion but there is one tradition that many in the Jewish faith observe: All members of the family meet 1 year after the death to unvail the headstone of the grave. Regardless of the grave, headstone or arrangements - I think it's a wonderful idea for everyone to meet, a reunion of sorts, 1 year after the death. It's a good way to keep the family together and many members may have had time to get though their own grief.
Best thoughts and wishes to your mother, you and your family.
I hate psychobabble, because it allows one to rationalize just about any kind of selfishness. Since when did self-actualization become the highest good in the universe?
In case your sister doesn't understand this, the point of a funeral is to honor the deceased, comfort the family, and sort through the aftermath of a loved one's death. It is not therapy. Adults understand this.
At the very least, this is a woman who bore you in her womb for nine months, wiped your bottom, stayed up all night for you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you everywhere you wanted to go, made you breakfast, lunch, and dinner, laundered your clothes, organized your birthday parties, taught you to put on makeup, coached you in math, comforted you through breakups with your boyfriends, paid for your tuition, and generally sacrificed her time, money, sleep, and everything else to fulfill almost every whim of yours from the time you were born until the time you left home. All without reservation or even serious complaint.
And now, you're saying that attending a one-hour funeral service in her honor is too much of an inconvenience or too big of a bummer to attend. Do you realize how shallow this really is?
How do you know her mother was such a good person? My abusive mother did none of that. She would make Jeannette Walls mother look like a kindergarten teacher. The witch is alive and well in Tulsa, which is not far enough away for me. How can you call someone shallow when you have no idea what their mother has done to them?
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