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My Dad died on June 16, 2005. June 19, 2005 was our first year wedding anniversay. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly a time for celebration. Second wedding anniversay was also Dad's 1 year anniversary since he died. I of course went back home to be with my Mom. This year, I'm doing the same thing but in an effort to actually be with my husband, I'm coming back by June19th.
Even thought I'm going to be with my husband, I just don't feel up to celebrating, you know? My husband is so caring and understanding that he really doesn't care about being celebratory but I just feel so bad. Are we going to go through the rest of our life with me feeling blue on our wedding anniversary?
If anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. I've accepted my father's passing and I'm in a good place with it all but for some reason, I just can't help but feel blue during that week. It's not fair to my husband either. What's worse is that he's a total sweetheart about it. Sigh.
Ok, I've thought about this one for a few days and here are my thoughts. From the feelings I get from your words, your father was a great man and very close to you. It was his time to go and you had a year to mourn and heal from the tragic loss, before a most happy event came into your life. Remember that every second that we live is pre-planned by God. Surely no one can speak for His reasons, circumstances or timing of events, but what IF the timing was because God wanted you to remember the greatest man in your life here on Earth, just 3 days prior to honoring the celebration of the union to the 2nd greatest man to come into your life?
I lost my father in 1989 and believe me, as time passes the happy memories of loved ones overcome the sadness of the parting. I just feel so good knowing that I was blessed enough to have such a wonderful father in my life and am grateful for what time I had to spend with him.
You KNOW, I find humor in everything so this is no exception. When my father passed in February of 1989 the cemetary does not erect tombstones until the weather warms up. I was in a total fog of shock and sorrow during the 3 days of viewing and the burial and since the cemetary was on the route to and from work for me, I would stop and visit dad at least 3 times a week. As chance would have it, there was another death close to the same period as my dad and the grave was dug 15 foot apart. I would go and talk to dad and feel his spirit, it was so tough. In May when they erected the tombstones I discovered that I had been talking to Mr Wilson and not my dad. I'm am as sure as I am sitting here that my dad was looking down from above sending me spiritual messages, "Hey DumbA$$, I'm over here!!"
I don't mean this to sound cold, but do you think your father would want you to not celebrate you anniversary just because the dates happen to be close together?
I say "CELEBRATE" and "REMEMBER" your father as if he were still with you!! He would want you to realize that life is short and not to waste a minute of it. So visit his grave, plant some flowers for him and on your anniversary raise that glass of champagne in a toast to your father. May he rest in peace.
Remember that every second that we live is pre-planned by God. Surely no one can speak for His reasons, circumstances or timing of events, but what IF the timing was because God wanted you to remember the greatest man in your life here on Earth, just 3 days prior to honoring the celebration of the union to the 2nd greatest man to come into your life?
Whoa, that was pretty deep there dukestar. I liked how you put it that way, thanks.
Do you read Reader's Digest? They have these short, one paragraphers that people submit about life's interesting twists I guess and your story about your Dad's grave was pretty funny. I'm glad you are such a positive, humorous guy!
I don't mean this to sound cold, but do you think your father would want you to not celebrate you anniversary just because the dates happen to be close together?
I say "CELEBRATE" and "REMEMBER" your father as if he were still with you!! He would want you to realize that life is short and not to waste a minute of it. So visit his grave, plant some flowers for him and on your anniversary raise that glass of champagne in a toast to your father. May he rest in peace.
Yes, you are right, I should celebrate and remember. No, I don't think my father would want me to be all gloomy and I'm trying to get past that. It's just soo hard. Thanks for the advice. It was honest and true.
Whoa, that was pretty deep there dukestar. I liked how you put it that way, thanks.
Do you read Reader's Digest? They have these short, one paragraphers that people submit about life's interesting twists I guess and your story about your Dad's grave was pretty funny. I'm glad you are such a positive, humorous guy!
Thank you Foma, and I sincerely hope that you know that, as floridadreamer stated, we dads want nothing more than to see our little girls happy.
Not to highjack your thread, but talking about this reminded me of another funny thing that happened at the funeral home at Dad's viewing. My Sister in Law at the time was there one evening showing her respect. She was and is a very sweet lady, but just a smidge on the uppity snooty side. As she was getting ready to leave, she gave me a hug and her cashmire, (sp?), sweater that probably cost more than my suit did became entangled in my belt buckle. As she pulled away, we were stuck together. Trying to maintain a low profile, she reached between us and was ever-so-gently trying to unhook her sweater and avoid damaging it. I assisted her in saying, "Oh yeah baby....Oh yeah" as her hands were working frantically between us
I just can't behave no matter where I am, even though I do try...somewhat.
Both my parents had heart attacks one summer...first my Dad and then my Mom. My Mom recovered my Father passed away after a quadruple bypass...
The entire summer had been about going back and forth to the hospital and all the things you can imagine...
We live in a VERY small town, when my Father passed away his picture was on the front page of the newspaper, the crawl sign at the University announced it, it was everywhere. While it was gratifying that so many people cared about my Dad that they filled the church, I would have preferred to mourn with just my family. Everywhere I went people knew me and that I was mourning my Father, they didn't know what to say...he was bigger then life.
The next year, I saw the summer approaching, I remembered how July 4th was the last time I saw my Mother and Father smiling as they were the martials of the parade in town...I got on a plane and left, I couldn't take it...I didn't want to be in town, my daughter and I were gone all summer to the UK...
I don't think there is a wrong answer for how you mourn, you just do...
It does get easier as most have said here. I lost my husband 4 years ago but I was determined to go on with life as he would want me to do. I still miss him and on the anniversary of his death I think of him and even tell him I miss him, same thing on his birthday.
OK.. so I am weird too.. when I went to pick up my husband's ashes, the guy at the funeral home said 'And if you travel , air or sea with him'. I couldn't help it , I said 'what I going to take him on a cruise?' He then explained that some people spread ashes at sea.. and there is a metal piece that might set off an alarm.
I will always remember how my Dad used to look at this cute little man who was the undertaker at the funeral home most of the people in our town used...my Dad used to say when he saw this man, he imagined he was sizing him up to see which casket my Dad would fit in...
Well fast forward to when my Dad died, this particular man who was so kind and sweet, kept asking if there was anything he could do...I knew he meant well but my mind kept realing, saying other then tell me this has all been a mistake and that is not really his body in the casket...no I can't think of a thing.
I was married on my father in laws 60th birthday. He died just 2 1/2 later. It was a loss that we found very hard.
Maybe you should celebrate your anniversary because you cannot tell what life has in store for you and your husband. When our anniversary came around my mother in law would always call us to remind my husband of his dad's birthday and to lay a guilt trip on us if we celebrated. My husband always did what she wanted or suggested. They both forgot that it was my anniversary too. We were married and together for almost 30 yrs. We met on a Halloween night so we then started to celebrate the date we met and that went on for a while but my mother in law did not like it. She wanted to control what we did. So for our 20th anniversary we decided that it was special enough to go away for a cruise during the Xmas season to celebrate. We had a great time and did not think about my mother in law. Just one month after we returned my husband left me, with the encouragement of his mother and he went to live with another woman. My mother in law was so happy that I did not think it was a normal reaction to her son leaving me on my 60th birthday. I decided to fight for my husband but he called the police and had a restrainning order against me. I called my mother in law for help. After all I was part of the family for almost 30 yrs. She in turn called the police and had me jailed. After four years of court fighting about assets and many times in jail, I was left penniless with a criminal record, too old to work and living on the streets, which is where I am now. I always loved my father in law with all of my heart. He was a great man. I was there for my husband all though his dad's death and all of the years after. Last year my own father died and I had to attend his furneral alone. I even had to write and read a uligy alone. I have aways wondered if we had done what we wanted and not what his mother wanted if our marriage would have been stronger. I am completely over my ex husband but I will always think about my father in law on my ex anniversary. He was a good man. I think if he had lived, my husband would not have been swayed by his mother so much and my separation would have been a little easier. I don't think my father in law would have allowed my mother in law to put me in jail and I think he would have been ashamed of his son for leaving me to starve on the streets. So my advise is to do whatever you want because nobody knows what life has in store for you. If your husband is supportive of you now he may become very resentful of you later which could cause problems between you both. My hidden resentment towards my mother in law and her open resentment towards me was one of the reasons why we had problems in our marriage. So when another woman came along and wanted to keep his mother happy he left. My anniversary is on December 1st and I cannot help but think about it when I cannot find shelder at that time of the year. I hope my story helps you and anyone else that is in the same situation.
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Thanks for the advice. It was honest and true.
I was married on my father in laws 60th birthday. He died just 2 1/2 later. It was a loss that we found very hard.
