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In my case, I wasn't at all sad about it. He was an abusive drunk, and I was happy someone took him out of this world. Obviously, my case is different than yours.
I'm also very sorry for everyone's loss. I'm also in the same boat. It's been several years now, and I've never been the same. As a matter of fact, I've been very down lately. I see how low humanity could get on a daily basis, but when it hits home, it feels like my heart and soul have been crushed. It's almost as if there is no more happiness, but only happy moments.
My condolences to you and the others dealing with this tragedy. I, myself, have been through the murder of a close friend.
In 2006 a person I had know since I was 3 years old was stabbed to death. The man that killed him saw him in a bar and thought he was someone that owed him $10. My friend had never met this man is his life, but this man swore he owed him money. The man started a fight in the bar, then they were both escorted out. My friend proceeded to walk away from the man, towards another bar (this night was his only night off of work). The man followed him in and proceeded to make remarks across the room, so my friend left this bar. The man ran out the door after him and started a fist fight from behind. My friend was able to knock him down and began to walk away, not wanting anymore trouble. The man then pulled his knife, ran across the street after him, and stabbed him 8 times. My friend would have made it; most of the wounds weren't that bad. But the tip of the knife just barely punctured his pericardium (the sack surrounding the heart).
Someone I had known for 15 years was killed over a mistaken identity and $10. The hatred that filled my heart was unbearable, and the pain of knowing I will never see this wonderful person again was excruciating. Everyone said to try to shove it to the back of your mind, don't think about it, etc..... I say remember it every day, keep the pictures up, and cry your heart out. No one is going to blame you for grieving, and it is a natural reaction. Yes, it's going to hurt and no, you're not going to like it; but time will help. There is no sense in pushing away wonderful memories of our loved ones, because then you start to forget, and it hurts even more to forget. People may pass on, but our love for them is eternal, and it is in this love that they will live forever!
You don't get over it. You just get on with it. Talk about it and don't bottle up. Living life is learning about dealing with what you lose.
I still get paranoid walking at night since I had a friend murdered. My boyfriend that was killed by a drunk driver when I was about your age, well I put a lot of time into SADD and always was the designated driver if no one would. I still do that. I still think of him too even though its been years. I still hate drunk drivers. With the friend that was shot, the kid turned himself in and the murderer crying and saying he was sorry did a lot for me. I can't explain it but he was one of the few that actually seemed he realized what he did after the fact. I can respect that at least. He is doing time.
My heart is breaking for all of you on this thread who have shared your gut-wrenching stories. I pray that each of you will find at least a modicum of comfort and peace - more and more as time passes. You will never forget, but remember the best things about your loved ones. If you're a person of faith, lean on that. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't let it consume you. If you feel your grief has sucked all the joy out of your life, then see a professional counselor and/or your clergyperson. It's okay to cry. Give it time.
My uncle was murdered about 20 years ago. The hardest part for us was that it was never officially solved and his body never found. It was an awful time, and it took a very long time to move on. Luckily we have a large family, and lots of support. Those are the most important things.
I am sorry for your loss, I am sure that in time, you will find that your memories make you happy rather than sad.
I'm so sorry about all the losses shared here. My condolences to all who have lost someone (or many someones) like this. Such horrible stories. I can't even imagine.
In August 1999 my restaurant was very busy when two young thugs came in with guns and demanded the money. My bartender complied. One customer said to one of the thugs, "Here, take my wallet!" The thugs were very young (masked up to the hilt, of course) and I doubt had even thought of actually taking anything from the customers, they just came in for the till but lightning struck in their pathetic little thug brains and the one at the register said to my good friend who was sitting at the bar by the register with his wife, "Give me your wallet!"
Randy replied, "I didn't bring my wallet with me - check my pockets!" He then (yes, stupidly) swung his barstool around to knock the gun out of the kid's hand and the gun fired - through the window. The kid got rattled, the gun fired again, Randy lurched off the barstool, staggered a few steps and collapsed. The kid thugs took off. Apparently they had a third cohort outside in a car and off they went. I locked the door, called the police and they were here quickly along with an ambulance. Randy was bleeding out on the floor. Turns out that the shot got him in the armpit and severed a major artery. All attempts to keep him alive failed and he was gone by the time he was in the ambulance. After 11 years it still hurts me to relate the story.
Randy's wife left island shortly thereafter but still keeps in touch with me every Christmas and lets me know that although her life has moved on she still calls the Virgin Islands Police Department every six months to see what, if anything, has been done to solve the case.
It was a good six months to a year later that I heard from several disparate sources that the thug kids were dealt with by the locals in my area. Vigilante justice. I'd been a good neighbor long enough and dealt with the nonsense some of those locals inflicted on me when I first came into this neighborhood, they'd come to terms with my being here and were severely irritated (to say the least) that these punks had the audacity to come onto "their" turf and mess with "their" territory.
I lost two years of my life in the aftermath. I can't remember to this day how I kept going during that period. Several well-meaning friends and acquaintances thought I should move my business elsewhere but I was damned if I'd let anybody run me out of town as it were. I'm a most stubborn biotch when it comes to principles.
My life changed yet again. Just another serious notch on the proverbial belt. Twice before this I had "lost" some years through extreme emotional experiences which are a "blur" zone to this day. I'm basically an incurable optimist. I can't remember the name of Joan Baez's brother - Richard ? - but he wrote a book which was, I think, entitled something like, "It's been down so long it looks like up to me!"
My apologies if necessary for rambling but what I'm endeavoring to say is that life experiences can often result in huge gashes. Gashes segue into scars and scars fade over time but they remain and are always a part of you.
Life is way too short to become totally embittered. Move on and be productive. Lord knows there are so many threads on this relationship forum to which you simply can't respond with anything other than a sigh. Coming up 65 and still working hard as always. Cheers!
God. My heart goes out to everyone on this forum. I have not experienced the pain of someone close being murdered, but did experience my best friend dying suddenly and unexpectedly. It's been 5 and a half years and it still hurts like hell. He was going through some emotional trauma and his parents were going out of town and wanted me to keep him company that week, which I was really looking forward to. The day I was supposed to go over, I get this call from his sister. I figure she's just reminding me to come over. Instead I get the news that he died instead. The coroner ruled it an accident, but considering what he was going through I just absolutely hope it was just an accident. What hurts the most for me is wondering if I could have done more. What if I had gone over a day earlier. Could I have said anything different. I didn't get to say goodbye. And I was also completely pissed that he was so careless. It was/is a s**tstorm of emotions. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. He is mentioned quite often in my posts in general too. My best advice is to draw closer to your other friends and family for support, and always remember the best things about your friend and don't dwell on their violent passing. Hard to do I know, but if you keep busy it can keep your mind at bay.
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