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I'm a mom of an 8 year old boy who, now, attends the SECEP School in Deep Creek. I have three boys all together. Ages 18, 15, and 8. In my younger years I was always afraid of getting in trouble, never heard of children doing bad things all while I was growing up. I met and married this guy who was (unaware at the time) a very ANGRY and irresponsible, immature man. Tough times through the years with him but so badly wanted to keep the family together I was determined to make things work. To make a long story short, been divorced for 5 years now... away from him for almost 6 and ALL three of my boys seem to have his SAME traits. I thought because of the older two being sent away to juvenile detention centers I could SAVE the youngest one. Raise him without the father in his life... although I couldn't avoid visitations. He was 2 when I left. Now he's almost 9 and I have a feeling he's headed down that same path. I just moved here from NY back last September, those being one of the reasons... to see if I could save him from being around his father all the more. Since then he's (over and over again) thrown chairs in school at teachers, been restrained, pushing book cases and desks over, none of this behavior has ever been witnessed at home. I've had the police at my door because my son and two other boys were hitting cars with sticks making the car alarms go off. Now I am beginning to feel he's trying to dominate me here at home, tells me what to do, he's helped himself to things I've told him not to touch without permission. I punish him and send him to his room and he's not bothered by that at all. I went into his room (about 3 mths ago) to clean it and found a lighter and a jack knife. Just yesterday I went shopping down on VA Beach and come home and he tried telling me he found a brand new pen in the package in his toy box. ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT I CAN DO....?? I'm from NY and in NY they have to be a certain age before anything is done and if you can't handle them you have to pass guardianship onto a family member or someone who will take him. I just want something temporary... I don't want to lose my last child to the system too... although I know it probably would be better to deal with it now then have him in jail when he's an adult.
First, take a few long, deep breaths, and calm yourself. I read your text, and sense that you feel like you are falling down a steep slope, with nothing to hold onto. That is not true. You have everything you need to resolve this, and other problems, right now, but you have to keep control of your fears, and trust yourself, first.
Second, I am sorry for the hardships you've had in your life, but I believe there are lessons in every adverse situation. Perhaps this is a way for you to find a better way. Thank God for it, and keep your state of mind open to opportunities, flexible to change yourself and your circumstances, and loving to those around you -- no matter how difficult it seems at the time.
My experience is that people that hurt, hurt others. It might be too late for you and your husband, and possibly for your boys that have left the home. They will have to find their own way to love and compassion. Right now, you and your remaining son can find your ways, together.
So, every resolution to a conflict starts with LOVE. When you and your son are in an emotionally charged situation, take a deep breath, send out a prayer for spiritual support (it doesn't matter to what), and with your out breath, tell your son YOU LOVE HIM. Give love first, EVERY time.
When he comes back at you with aggression, tell him, again, YOU LOVE HIM, and THEN tell him that together the TWO of YOU will find a way to make this situation better for BOTH of you.
Ask him to sit down.
Get out a piece of paper and pencil -- breathe deeply, over and over and over, again.
Ask him to tell you what he thinks the problems are, and LISTEN.
Don't argue, but control your reactions, (stay OPEN), and WRITE them down.
Let HIM talk until he runs out of things to say. If he doesn't talk right away, leave some silence and let him break it, but don't get up until he's talked.
After you've written it down. Read it back to him. Make sure you've gotten ALL his complaints/comments. Make any corrections he advises.
Tell him, again, that you love him.
Keep breathing, DEEPLY.
Say another prayer, silently.
Ask him what he's happy about in your life together.
Repeat the process.
When that finished, tell him that tomorrow, the two of you are going to sit down with the lists, and figure out together how to work out the problems, so that the second list grows to include them.
Tell him you love him, and you know together you can make things work.
Once you've resolved the situations with your youngest, you may feel comfortable and strong enough to start with the next son.
You may also consider some type of counseling and/or getting a good male role model around him. Boys need strong male leadership as they grow. I would encourage you to seek out someone who can spend some quality time with him and guide him as he matures. Good luck.
Thank you for that, I need some kind of positive thinking for sure. Although I think it's beyond that. I've had the talks and the I love you's all along. Telling him how he needs to help me show everyone he's not a bad child. Tried telling him mommy was going to help him get out of that school so he doesn't have to be around "bad" kids. Just to learn he's turned right around and USED that to his advantage to do MORE damage. The day I told him and his counselor how I wanted to put him in a private school so he's not subjected to all that violence (because he was telling me they let them fight things out there), I got a call the next day from the school telling me they had to hold him for detention for kicking staff and throwing chairs. When they called me he was screaming in the background and it wasn't a sad scream, it was an angry, abusive language kinda scream. Since I know his hurt, and haven't witnessed that since he's been about 4. He has NO emotion anymore, even when I'm upset... he just tells me "I'm ONLY going to go...." whatever he TELLS me what he's going to do.... HE TELLS ME... after all through the years I say "is that a question?" or "whats the magic word?" or "are you asking me or telling me?"... almost like he's refusing to learn that or something, I know he remembers because if I tell him he can have IF he's good... oh he's golden!! But when it's not a benefit to him he's evil... But thank you, I'm not giving up, just reaching out for options.... thats all.
You may also consider some type of counseling and/or getting a good male role model around him. Boys need strong male leadership as they grow. I would encourage you to seek out someone who can spend some quality time with him and guide him as he matures. Good luck.
Thank you, yeah, I've got him in counseling... he's had it since he's been about 6 and I've been seeing this guy I'm with now for about 5 years now and he used to be employed in our local police department prior to us being together. So as a highly respected man, he's tried too and feels we don't have what it's going to take to help him. This being the third child, I feel it's a genetic problem, Could that be??? Even intense psychological therapy for my oldest didn't change HIM. My oldest - omg, I could tell you stories... but feels he's invincible and doesn't respect authority... was going over 50 in a 30 mile an hour zone... was told his inspection had run out and has a baby on the way... he disowns me after I gave him my car so he could have transportation to go work and make money, giving him a good start I thought... 3 months later tells me its junk and he needs a copy of my cell phone bill to get a loan for a TRUCK... his cell was on our plan, but wasn't HIS bill... I wasn't going to be responsible for HIS loan so I said no, now he's not talking to me. I could have sold my car and got more money to move with... but was thinking of helping him first just to find out it was going to hinder my efforts in the long run. So now not even 10 months later his $9000 truck has been repo'd and he's driving around a $500 beater. I know you should live and learn, but I was always taught to NEVER disrespect your parents. I feel like he's almost blaming me for all that. And I'm still pluggin along with my youngest...
Personally I feel that the only way to get to the youngest one is through the oldest one........if i am in your shoe, i will definitely seek the oldest for help......you and the oldest might not have anything in common or might not see eye to eye, but if he loves his little brother, he will definitely check him... just ask him to help his younger brother and keep the focus in helping the younger brother and not helping you......... someone said the 8 year old does not have a role model, that is wrong, b/c the role model is his 18 yr old brother.........in this case, your best helping hand will be the 18 year old....good luck and my heart really does go out to you
I was a pretty bad kid when I was younger and when I was in highschool I went to Anger Management (counseling). I felt that Anger Management just made me more angry, the therapist trying to find something wrong with you and just turn it against you. and make you seem like a bad person.
I think one of the best things that got me on track was Church and other youth group programs such as Tae Kwon Do. Maybe get him invlolved in recreational sports or in some kinda youth group with kids with positive attitudes. If your kid hangs around with the wrong crowd (as I did) then of course your behavior will reflect. But when you surround yourself with positive people that will lift you up, then you have no where else to go. But then again, your son will want to have to change his life.
Sounds like you've been trying a lot of things, and with only marginal success. I'm reading that your son has a lot of anger. I'm reading a lot of references to "bad" and "evil." I'm interpreting that he's learned his behavior from his father. Sadly, children in homes with domestic violence will often adopt the behaviors of the dominant person, and have little respect for the victims.
What I have not read is any reference to both of you being in counseling together. Is it possible that you see the problem only in the others, and haven't considered that you might share in the ownership? Each of us contributes to our experiences in life, but we usually don't recognize that to change a situation, we have to be ready to change ourselves. (At least that's what I've found in my own problem solving.)
You mentioned the he talks, and you talk, but I am still sensing that not a lot of REAL listening is going on.
You mentioned the he talks, and you talk, but I am still sensing that not a lot of REAL listening is going on.
He doesn't talk, he's not thinking he's doing anything wrong... all his talk has been lies and just plain false hope. We've seen that over and over again. His words, "I promise, I'll be good from now on." "I want to change my life." "I don't want to be like my brothers." Then something else happens and I ask why? He tells me, it's all because of someone else... this and that.... then I tell him, well what would happen if you ignored that and found something else to do? Then he tells me he can't and not allowed, so I go to the school, or wherever, looking to find answers just to find out he was lieing to me all along. It's just so frustrating, and all the efforts, tears, courts, counseling, foster homes, child protective, the system in general, police officers advising, and family all doing their part... through a 6 year period really wears on a persons nerves... and there comes a time when you just want it to all stop!! I have been told it's in the genes and not my fault (not saying I don't need counseling, but...). I really feel that to be true. It's just a THIRD time around and soooo frustrating to have to deal with, and look forward to another 10 more years of this. Seeking other options... to relieve some of the blow to my motherhood that WASN'T as rewarding as I thought it was going to be.
I was a pretty bad kid when I was younger and when I was in highschool I went to Anger Management (counseling). I felt that Anger Management just made me more angry, the therapist trying to find something wrong with you and just turn it against you. and make you seem like a bad person.
I think one of the best things that got me on track was Church and other youth group programs such as Tae Kwon Do. Maybe get him invlolved in recreational sports or in some kinda youth group with kids with positive attitudes. If your kid hangs around with the wrong crowd (as I did) then of course your behavior will reflect. But when you surround yourself with positive people that will lift you up, then you have no where else to go. But then again, your son will want to have to change his life.
That is EXACTLY RIGHT, and thank you for mentioning that!! I wanted to get him involved with some of that also but fear of his behavior will bring all that to a hult real quick. I don't want to get a phone call saying he's not allowed to finish that season out because he doesn't listen, which is what his problem is all along. But seriously thinking of trying, just giving the adults a heads up on his actions and how he is incase of any problems do occur. Thank you, that helps!!
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I'm a mom of an 8 year old boy who, now, attends the SECEP School in Deep Creek. I have three boys all together. Ages 18, 15, and 8. In my younger years I was always afraid of getting in trouble, never heard of children doing bad things all while I was growing up. I met and married this guy who was (unaware at the time) a very ANGRY and irresponsible, immature man. Tough times through the years with him but so badly wanted to keep the family together I was determined to make things work. To make a long story short, been divorced for 5 years now... away from him for almost 6 and ALL three of my boys seem to have his SAME traits. I thought because of the older two being sent away to juvenile detention centers I could SAVE the youngest one. Raise him without the father in his life... although I couldn't avoid visitations. He was 2 when I left. Now he's almost 9 and I have a feeling he's headed down that same path. I just moved here from NY back last September, those being one of the reasons... to see if I could save him from being around his father all the more. Since then he's (over and over again) thrown chairs in school at teachers, been restrained, pushing book cases and desks over, none of this behavior has ever been witnessed at home. I've had the police at my door because my son and two other boys were hitting cars with sticks making the car alarms go off. Now I am beginning to feel he's trying to dominate me here at home, tells me what to do, he's helped himself to things I've told him not to touch without permission. I punish him and send him to his room and he's not bothered by that at all. I went into his room (about 3 mths ago) to clean it and found a lighter and a jack knife. Just yesterday I went shopping down on VA Beach and come home and he tried telling me he found a brand new pen in the package in his toy box. ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT I CAN DO....?? I'm from NY and in NY they have to be a certain age before anything is done and if you can't handle them you have to pass guardianship onto a family member or someone who will take him. I just want something temporary... I don't want to lose my last child to the system too... although I know it probably would be better to deal with it now then have him in jail when he's an adult.
You can turn this around
Thank you, yeah, I've got him in counseling... he's had it since he's been about 6 and I've been seeing this guy I'm with now for about 5 years now and he used to be employed in our local police department prior to us being together. So as a highly respected man, he's tried too and feels we don't have what it's going to take to help him. This being the third child, I feel it's a genetic problem, Could that be??? Even intense psychological therapy for my oldest didn't change HIM. My oldest - omg, I could tell you stories... but feels he's invincible and doesn't respect authority... was going over 50 in a 30 mile an hour zone... was told his inspection had run out and has a baby on the way... he disowns me after I gave him my car so he could have transportation to go work and make money, giving him a good start I thought... 3 months later tells me its junk and he needs a copy of my cell phone bill to get a loan for a TRUCK... his cell was on our plan, but wasn't HIS bill... I wasn't going to be responsible for HIS loan so I said no, now he's not talking to me. I could have sold my car and got more money to move with... but was thinking of helping him first just to find out it was going to hinder my efforts in the long run. So now not even 10 months later his $9000 truck has been repo'd and he's driving around a $500 beater. I know you should live and learn, but I was always taught to NEVER disrespect your parents. I feel like he's almost blaming me for all that. And I'm still pluggin along with my youngest...
EXACTLY RIGHT, and thank you for mentioning that!! I wanted to get him involved with some of that also but fear of his behavior will bring all that to a hult real quick. I don't want to get a phone call saying he's not allowed to finish that season out because he doesn't listen, which is what his problem is all along. But seriously thinking of trying, just giving the adults a heads up on his actions and how he is incase of any problems do occur. Thank you, that helps!!
