How to respond to family being "non-supportive" or outright hating? (school, college)

[Jungjohann]

It won't be a 'new' family,, it'll be the 'old' family, and some you didn't know existed, asking about that 'spare' bedroom at your 'new' place... Word to the wise,, get a 'small' studio apartment,,,, no futon,, no airmatress, and some kind of pet that the family is allergic to, like a BOA CONSTRICTOR!!! Well, maybe not a boa constrictor,,, but a mongoose would work just as well..

Aloha and okole,,, uuuurrrrpppp,,,,,maluna......

[Ellwood]

Follow YOUR dream...

Unless they ask a question, just listen and don't respond.

[gentlearts]

I moved away from my family at about your age. Although I think a young person should explore life and seek the best opportunities that are out there, you will be forever altering your family relationships. Your future children will not have the support and structure of extended family. This may be good, or it may be bad...only you can decide that.

[Three Wolves In Snow]

Originally Posted by FallenIntoGreatness

I've been lurking for a while, recently joined and started posted. I've been researching my move for a couple of years now. As I mentioned elsewhere, I will graduate in the fall and already have a meeting with HDOE this May. I was just wondering how the people that have made the move or are further along in their move respond to family members that bash the idea? My grandmother refuses to leave her town much less go out of state or country. I have not told her about the move because when I start to she gets super critical and ugly about it. She wants us all to move to her town, which does not have a job for me or my fiance. So yeah, not happening

My dad has been fine until he found out I'm wanted there, it quite possibly is going to happen. Now he says discouraging things, the recent events in Japan have given him plenty of doom and gloom to spew. He keeps reminding me of the time I first left home and how that failed. It failed because my then husband lost his flipping mind and abused me in every way possible. My neck was broken among other serious injuries. But I survived, and when I was able to function again, went back to school. My past struggle is now being used to hold me back, I endured things that no woman should ever have to and now it gets thrown in my face to scare me into staying close to home.

BTW I have lived 2 hours away from these people since 09 and not once have they visited me, even when I lived closer they did not want to visit. I have no idea why they want me to stay close when they don't see me much as it is.

How do you deal with it? I've been trying to ignore it but at some point I have to come out with it to the older generation of my family. My mother, sister, and fiance are all very supportive. My brother is on the fence because he knows how broken I was when I returned from the divorce. However, he is not crushing all discussion of the move either.

Thank you.

Listen, I know where you come from. I actually do. I have a family that is totally and completely unsupportive a well. Where I live is of no concern to them, it's what I want to do. Negative, negative, negative.

You have three choices:

1) Continue to listen to them and let them make you feel bad and bend to their will.

2) Stand up and say, "This is what I'm going to do, please respect that." and then tune them out but still keep in contact with them.

3) Drastic...which is what I had to do. Cut 'em off. It's hard enough trying to make it in this world with other people trying to get what you want before you get it, the last thing you need is your supposed support system telling you why what you're doing is wrong, why you won't make it, brings up all of your past failures....you don't need that.

But you have to decide which of those choices you can live with, best. For me, I had to do option three. I had to. My life has been much more peaceful since. Not everyone can do that, I understand which is why I say, pick the one you can live with.

But know this...you will never change them, ever. They are who they are, they are going to believe what they believe and that's that. Fighting it is a losing battle and wastes far too much time and energy. Do what you want to do and prove to yourself that you can do it. And find a support system through friends and colleagues.

[FallenIntoGreatness]

I have thought about future children a bit, had a pretty long discussion with my fiance about it. His mother is SUPER negative about everything and his sister is one of those people that thinks everyone owes her something. He has already cut them out of his life, doesn't want them at our wedding, etc. My mother has already said she will visit and she thinks once grandchildren are involved my dad will get over his aversion to riding in something he is not driving. I know that's not the same as having "free babysitting" and the other benefits of being close to family, but honestly I don't think those are perks I would get even if I stayed.

Thanks again for the feedback. It is interesting to hear how others deal with similar attitudes.

[AlohaHuey]

Some people are purely envious. My step-daughter was green with envy, and it resulted in ugly behavior. What these family members don't seem to realize is they now have a relative in Hawaii to visit.

Life is too short to deal with negative people. They just infect you with their negativity.

[hotzcatz]

Also, "Living well is the best revenge". Move to Hawaii and be sure to send them postcards of lovely sunny days while they are frozen in the midst of some sort of dreary February or March. Bwahahahaha!

Not paying attention to negative folks also annoys them to no end, too. There might be joy in that, too.

Go forth and prosper!

[Calico Salsa]

Sometimes if I am getting similar advice from a group of people, especially those who feel comfortable disagreeing with me, then there may be a message there that I need to hear.

It could be possible that your family is all negative and doesn't believe in you, AND-OR there could be things you need to face to be as truthful with yourself as you can.

I certainly don't know your story, but I have a friend who constantly complains about how negative her family is... except she's moved back home 3 times when relationships or finances have setbacks. She picks men who are abusive, works at jobs that don't pay enough for how she spends, and doesn't do her share of the chores where ever she lives. So is it negativity from her family, or would it serve her to also listen to the underlying message? Sure, the tone might be tough to take, but maybe there's a real conversation worth having too.

You mention an abusive former husband, and now a fiance who has cut his whole family out of the picture... warning flag! My own personal experience, both from a bad relationship and also training as a stress line counselor, taught me that abusive men often isolate their victims, especially from either family. If you are getting encouragement to cut off all ties to those who might notice some abuse, be very careful and cautious. You could be getting set up for the next round of pain and problems. A supportive partner will help you resolve your relationship problems, not run away. A supportive and strong partner will know how to do this himself and can be your example.

Moving isn't an answer, nor is there a simple answer to what to do about family who don't support your choices. But sometimes it's good to be open to WHY they aren't supporting a choice. Maybe they have evidence that one's own selection criteria is off kilter. Or maybe history would lead them to a certain conclusion.

[OpenD]

Originally Posted by Calico Salsa

My own personal experience, both from a bad relationship and also training as a stress line counselor, taught me that abusive men often isolate their victims, especially from either family. If you are getting encouragement to cut off all ties to those who might notice some abuse, be very careful and cautious. You could be getting set up for the next round of pain and problems.

Let's make that "abusive PEOPLE often isolate their victims" etc., shall we?

In my father's case it was his abusive 2nd wife who isolated him from family and friends, one by one. I literally had no contact with him for years until he dumped her sorry okole.

Although spousal abuse by women, including physical abuse, is not as common as it is by men, it is real, and accuracy in the way you language the issues is important for better understanding.

Mahalo

[agita_san]

Don't 'talk to them' about it. Just tell them. And don't let what they have to say deter you from doing what is right for yourself. It's your life, live it for yourself Good luck btw!