Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
How can I take care of a spouse and have a life too?
I have to provide primary care to my wife every day. At age 45, I've realized that I can no longer continue to live a life that I no longer wish to. I've accepted the fact that I will likely be celibate for the rest of my life, and will have to go back to doing most things on my own. I feel that I can no longer just sit around the house, doing nothing, going nowhere, while I wait for her to get out of bed and need my help. I'd really like to be able to spend my time on activities and hobbies that are of interest to me, things that will allow me to get out, meet other people, get fresh air & excercise, and allow me to relieve pent-up stress. I'd also like to be able to going back to working onsite and trying to re-build my career rather than working from home and pretty much destroying any chance of furthering my career, or at least be able to entertain the possibility of switching careers or employers. I'd like to get out and travel and go sightseeing sometimes.
Our families have abandoned us. I have no relatives that I can all who are capable of caring for my wife. There are no agencies I can work with that don't cost a fortune. She's too young for Assisted Living or a Nursing Home.
I've lost what I consider the best years of my life. I don't mind spending my middle to later-life years alone, but I don't want to have my health and financial prospects ruined.
It is tough. I think you need a support group right now. Someone to talk to. No one online can give you the comfort and validation you need.
It is just as hard on a 75 year old spouse caring for an 85 year old with Parkinsons for example.
Can you draw on a church for some basic help? For example talking to a local pastor of a largish church and explaining your situation and asking for some help. Maybe there are some ladies out there looking for some volunteer activities that are short term and direct. Even a short time out of the house would help right now and give you some perspective.
It is hard for a man to ask for help but you need to do it.
I'm not sure I understand the entire picture here. Is your wife so incapacitated that it is necessary for someone to be with her round the clock? If not, then I would definitely encourage to take some time to get out and pursue some of your own interests. Everyone does indeed need a mental and physical break. Ordinarily, I would encourage you to try to connect with some social service agencies and see if there is any help for which your situation might qualify. You state, however, that there is not agency you can work with because of finances. Are you certain you have exhausted all the alternatives? Is there some form of adult "day care" that she is still well enough that you could take her to for a few hours? Some agencies do have volunteers for certain things. You might check with some of your local churches and ask if they have a person or two who could volunteer a little time weekly to assist you. Again, you didn't say how much assistance your wife needs. If she doesn't require "lifting," and more heavy duty assistance like that, it would be easier to find someone to help. In short, I would try to get on the good side of a good, local social worker and see if she/he would be willing to "go to bat" for you in locating some resources.
If she's been hospitalized recently, I'd also contact the social worker there....if she has a debilitating illness, there may be a support group that actually provides some respite care for you as the spouse.
Without being too personal, and if you don't wish to answer, please pardon my question - but is this a terminal illness? If so, hospice would be of benefit to you. Many of the hospice orgs no longer wait until you fall within the six-months-or-less rule, and it doesn't sound as if your wife is imminently terminal - but some of the hospices have adopted the practice that if it is an illness that will eventually claim her life, they will offer some assistance - and it sounds as if you need all you can get right now.
Whether your wife needs full attention or just someone to watch her sometimes, you need to get out and have some time to yourself every once in awhile.
There are people you can hire called caregivers who will come in and will take care of her needs.
Giving her a bath, running to the grocer, etc. Give this responsibility to someone else or you will have a breakdown.
Join the club. You have made the first step which is reaching out. I know first hand what you are going through and maybe perhaps millions of others who SACRIFICED their own needs to care for a spouse. That is what soul mates do.
The hardest part is, for example, even going to see a movie with your heart in your throat and tears because you are doing something alone that used to be a common experience. I like to think I am making my contribution (kind of like giving back?) for all the many many blessings bestowed upon me. And more importantly, God has chosen me because my significant other has led an exemplary life and DESERVES to be loved and taken care of. Unlike me, I am a scoundrel and -oh yeah, this isn't about me- I almost cry doing any activity alone now which used to be done as a pair.
As far as fulfilling your life and your potentials, I have no suggestions. Just wanted you to know, you are not alone.
P.S. Just think of all the sacrifices women have been making for centuries, taking care of family, kids, doing housework, bandaging knees, and attending parent/teacher conferences, when they could have been saying, gee, I could be making bucks! I am smart, multi-talented, and a hard worker. Instead they sacrificed so we men could come home and say...what's for dinner?
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk
How can I take care of a spouse and have a life too?
I have to provide primary care to my wife every day. .. . (text deleted to save space by Redbird)
Last edited by _redbird_; 08-13-2007 at 04:20 PM..
Reason: reasons? who needs reasons?!
It is hard to recommend help without knowing a little more about her illness. My one thought is check out websites for the illness and see if they have info on caregivers etc. If you have health insurance and she is that sick you might be able to get a nurse to assist a couple a times a week.
Church is a wonderful place to ask for help. If they don't have anyone who can volunteer to help the pastor may have some suggestions of places you can go for help.
If you haven't already, be sure to contact your state and/or county office of disability services (not every county has one, but every state does have one). Your wife may qualify for programs that will give you respite. Best of luck to you.
None of us know what she is incapacitated with, but does she qualify for SSI? I would call your local county Health and Welfare and ask them if they can help or guide you in the direction of someone that can. I do find what you say a little unnerving. Would you feel the same if the situation was flipped and you were the one that needed the care. There is a happy medium between you having some of your life back and also caring for your wife. Just remember "for better or for worse".
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Caregiver stress
