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well I blew it. SO be easy on the smokers, its a real tough thing!! I failed!!
No you haven't failed. Throw out your pack of cigs and get back to quitting cause I bet you are using that as an excuse to keep on smoking. Been there.
In your wife's case at work, there is not only that defiance, but also a sense of comradery among smokers. Why don't they all just SHUT UP, and leave us alone. I say that, and other smokers I meet say the same. Yeah, we "addicts" stick together. It is you against us.
Absolutely true, that this is a common attitude. And absolutely sad.
My wife's family and friends, all smokers, try pulling her in even when she tries to quit. Even her mom (how sick and twisted is that?----you're my daughter and I love you---here, die slowly and look and smell gross doing it, but do it with me as some sort of sick bonding thing.) Friends offering cigarettes to her with me standing right there, even knowing how I feel about it, and knowing she's currently trying hard to quit. Getting one up on the non-smoking snob, I guess. And goading her into it after I leave. She then admits to me later that she caved, and a week's worth of her trying to quit goes down the tubes.
Even happened at a wedding. Table of us having a great time, then her friends want her to "go outside" for a few minutes with them. I looked at her and said "you don't have to do that, we're having a great time. Let's go dance" (and I never dance BTW). She stayed, she fought the urge, we danced. Her friends shot me dagger looks and went outside in ten degree weather to smoke and gripe about her friend's uppity husband, no doubt. Had no effect on the long-term outcome but it clearly marked the line in the sand. Sad.
I can't imagine having a best friend that was an alcoholic, and me making Jack-and-Cokes in front of him, and goading that person into "having a drink with me." Or a friend trying so hard to diet, and me shoving a strawberry cheesecake at him, to "share with me." What kind of "friend" does that?
You call it "defiance". I call it "misery loves company."
And an occasional glass of wine with dinner, or an occasional coffee, or an occasional big-ol' burger and fries, is not the same as occasionally smoking cigarettes. That's the common "go-to" defense among proud smokers, but it just isn't the same.
Absolutely true, that this is a common attitude. And absolutely sad.
My wife's family and friends, all smokers, try pulling her in even when she tries to quit. Even her mom (how sick and twisted is that?----you're my daughter and I love you---here, die slowly and look and smell gross doing it, but do it with me as some sort of sick bonding thing.) Friends offering cigarettes to her with me standing right there, even knowing how I feel about it, and knowing she's currently trying hard to quit. Getting one up on the non-smoking snob, I guess. And goading her into it after I leave. She then admits to me later that she caved, and a week's worth of her trying to quit goes down the tubes.
Even happened at a wedding. Table of us having a great time, then her friends want her to "go outside" for a few minutes with them. I looked at her and said "you don't have to do that, we're having a great time. Let's go dance" (and I never dance BTW). She stayed, she fought the urge, we danced. Her friends shot me dagger looks and went outside in ten degree weather to smoke and gripe about her friend's uppity husband, no doubt. Had no effect on the long-term outcome but it clearly marked the line in the sand. Sad.
I can't imagine having a best friend that was an alcoholic, and me making Jack-and-Cokes in front of him, and goading that person into "having a drink with me." Or a friend trying so hard to diet, and me shoving a strawberry cheesecake at him, to "share with me." What kind of "friend" does that?
You call it "defiance". I call it "misery loves company."
And an occasional glass of wine with dinner, or an occasional coffee, or an occasional big-ol' burger and fries, is not the same as occasionally smoking cigarettes. That's the common "go-to" defense among proud smokers, but it just isn't the same.
Not exactly, I drink 8 cups of dark coffee a day and a couple of glasses of wine too. People on the health bandwagon would say that is an addiction too. Besides, how many people spend hours on the Internet or watching TV? Haven't heard this called an addiction?
We had a cousin who was hypnotized to stop drinking. Just the smell of alcohol made him want to vomit. So nobody could have a drink in his presence? I am not talking about goading him into having a drink, but just being around people drinking at family gatherings. They could never have a Holiday dinner with wine because of one person? He went to many a business lunch and dinner. Tell his clients they couldn't have a drink in front of him too? He had to learn to live with people around him drinking. Eventually, the smell did not bother him anymore. No, he did not go back to drinking himself. He HAD to live with accommodating other people.
It is the same with smoking. We go outside by ourselves. We try to avoid others. Unfortunately, that is not enough. WE have to stop smoking ourselves. It is an agenda. Not content with 2nd smoking bans, they came up with 3rd hand smoking.
Going back back to the alcohol. Should these people also be able to tell others they cannot drink either in front of them, or at all because they themselves cannot?
1) Yes, I've known she smokes for years now. Before we got married. She said she would quit when we got engaged.
2) I know she sneaks it, still. Lots of trips to "walk the dog" or "go to the store."
3) friends and acquaintances tell me that they saw her doing it.
She basically lives a double life and hides it from me, becaues she knows I despise the habit. I'm a lifetime non-smoker.
I love her...she's beautiful, funny, and we're happily married otherwise.
It's not an ultimatum. But I'd be lying if I didn't want her to quit asap.
Any ideas? I'm trying to be as nice about it and not dwell on it and not even mention it but she ain't stopping any time soon. (And yes I know it's her decision).
Mom smoked like a chimney and died from lung cancer last year. Thought that would stop it. Nope.
No lectures or lessons, please, about how I knew she did when we met. Just looking for some advice if any of you have been thru this.
I have never smoked cigarettes in my life. On the other hand, both my parents were smokers. They started many years ago while in the military. When I was about ten years old my father quit. I remember it well. He smoked two packs a day of filter less Camel cigarettes. One day, he just decided for the good of his family he needed to quit. He walked away from it, cold turkey. He had no aids or assistance of any kind.
The first six months--maybe even first year--were hard on our entire family. I remember well how irritable he was during this period. Dad was a good father and not a violent man at all. I did get at least one whipping during this period that I attribute to his angst over giving up cigarettes. Mom got seriously injured in an accident a year later. She knew that her recovery would be slower if she continued smoking. So, she gave up cigarettes at this time and never went back to smoking again either. Her addiction was less serious than my father's was. She only smoked about a pack a day and I don't think she suffered much withdrawal.
The bottom line is this:
1. Your wife has to want to quit and when she does, she will quit. On the other hand, she may never have the gumption to give up cigarettes despite overwhelming reasons for doing so.
2. Family support can mean a lot to someone really trying to quit.
You are in a difficult situation. It calls for patience and understanding. The addiction caused by cigarettes is pretty intense for some people. It can cause them to defy all logic and rationality and continue using something which is unquestionably correlated with cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and a shorter life expectancy.
I think there are comparisons to be made with addiction to cigarettes and narcotics like heroin. Both are extremely dangerous. Both are extremely addictive. There are are high failure rates when it comes to giving them up.
I really do think it's time to at least bring it up, in a supportive way. Any hints?
I think you would need her permission to bring it up. If she's not willing to hear from you about the issue, nothing you say or do will be of any good, and in fact would create a negative effect.
So...at the right time & place, begin with telling her how much you love her and how concerned you are for her well-being. (Remembering it's about her, not you.....) And then just ask for her permission to speak with her about her smoking.
It's all in her court, anyway. And if she doesn't want to hear from you about it now, just ask her to please let you know when/if she's ever ready.
Then......just never mention it again. No matter what. (It would be the mirror-image of her never smoking again, in a sense.) It's her choice, and her battle, even though you are greatly effected by what she does and doesn't do.
Gaining and keeping boundary lines on this type of stuff is so important. If you can do that, it's the surest way to show your respect for her ~ just who she is to you. It also frees her, to make that choice one day ~ when she's ready.
Tell us about your bad habits and we can weigh in on that....
Oh jeez.
Smokers circling the wagons.
Yeah, I'm being SO selfish for not wanting my wife to get emphysema. And to keep smoking for the rest of her life and all the "pleasure" and "freedom" that that holds for her.
How dare I.
Oh jeez.
Smokers circling the wagons.
Yeah, I'm being SO selfish for not wanting my wife to get emphysema. And to keep smoking for the rest of her life and all the "pleasure" and "freedom" that that holds for her.
How dare I.
Not a smoker ...
I agree with your concern & and I feel for you on this issue..I could not live with a smoker...
But the problem is that there isn't anything you can do until she wants to quit..
You can give an untimatum but be prepared to live with the result...
You might be able to take her with you when you go visit someone
that has had largyngeal cancer and has a stoma where their
larynx(voicebox) used to be...
grossest thing I have ever seen was a man smoking cigarettes through his stoma in his neck..
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