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I just said that she was the one who brought the numbers up. All I meant was that I felt like she had a skewed view of what "really skinny" was. I don't really care, she looks great at 150.
She has a mental illness. You knew this when you married her, and yet you signed up for it. She needs serious professional help. It is too bad she didn't get it earlier.
I just said that she was the one who brought the numbers up. All I meant was that I felt like she had a skewed view of what "really skinny" was. I don't really care, she looks great at 150.
Why would that matter? Right now, 145 seems insurmountable to her. And I've had friends that were skinny at 5'8" and 145 lbs. Looking on fitness forums for information isn't going to help someone with an eating disorder. It's not about fitness, it's not about what she eats, it's not about any of that.
She doesn't need a personal trainer, she needs to be in therapy. Personal trainer maybe eventually, but she needs to see a therapist to get to the deeper issues because she still has an unhealthy relationship with food and probably poor self esteem. Eating disorders are not something you can just "tough out" on your own - she needs mental help.
Exactly. I went to graduate school and did my Clinical Psychology work with anorexics and bulimics. There are many complex issues underlying these disorders. But it's usually a combination of anxiety and obsessive compulsive behaviors mixed with depression. I also grew up with a morbidly obese mother (5'4", 300 lbs). As an aside, having a morbidly obese parent, especially since she was a single mom, is not easy for a child to deal with. There is a lot of shame, guilt, and embarrassment that a kid feels when having a parent who is morbidly obese. You may be having these feelings as well. I think people don't realize this. They just focus on the obese person.
Anyway, fixing the outside won't fix how she feels inside. Psychological help is necessary, both for you and her. Basically what she's doing is bingeing without the purging, or she may be purging again and not telling you about it. Bulimics are usually normal weight or overweight, even. They are notorious for bingeing on sweet carbs, and they also almost always binge/purge in secret. A psychologist may be able to draw out information about these secret behaviors she may be engaging in, so individual sessions in addition to sessions with you are a good idea.
Now you are sounding less like you are concerned about her health and more like you want her to be skinny for you. 150 lbs isn't good enough for you? Because if your concern is her health - it shouldn't be about a number that is "skinny." And you can't tell someone with an eating disorder not to eat certain things or that she needs to work out more. It's only going to make her feel ashamed and hurt. You aren't dealing with a "fat" person who is lazy or just doesn't care. You are only going to make things worse. She needs to talk to someone that can help her deal with the real issues going on with her.
Negative. OP said she's now up to 208, not 150. That isn't healthy. As a former bulimic (or maybe current), she's bingeing and still depressed. It's not about OP's vanity. He's concerned for her.
Negative. OP said she's now up to 208, not 150. That isn't healthy. As a former bulimic (or maybe current), she's bingeing and still depressed. It's not about OP's vanity. He's concerned for her.
You misread my post. I realize that she's not at 150. My point was that she said that she wanted to get down to 150 and that 145 was overkill. And he said that he didn't think 145 was overkill and that he fears that she is now skewing what is a good weight for her. He made it seem as if his concern was that 150 wasn't going to be skinny enough. He even looked it up on a fitness forum to see what a good weight for her would be. And that makes me feel like it's about the OP's vanity - and not about his concern for her. If it was just about concern for her - he wouldn't care if she said that 145 would be overkill and that her goal was 150. He then said that he thinks she looks great at 150 - but his other post makes me wonder about this. If he's genuinely concerned for her - he will help her with the emotional problems and not the weight problems.
I think it's all too much eating and too much stress. She stresses herself out a lot and says that she has noticed some grey hairs (she's 25). She also grinds her teeth at night somewhat frequently. It's weird that she would be stressed out because we have a good relationship and she has an easy job working with kids.
I wouldn't have a good relationship with someone who dimissed my job as easy. Just FYI, working with children requires an extraordinary amount of patience and can be very stressful.
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Originally Posted by bjh293
Last week she asked if she got down to 150 if we could plan for a baby, but I don't want to make a decision on having a child based off weight loss, I feel that's emotionally unhealthy. She's also trying to tell me that 150 is pretty skinny for 5'8 and that 145 would be overkill. I have tried to avoid debating weights with her, but I kind of feel like, after reading some fitness forums and what not that 150, while healthy, isn't "really skinny" for 5'8 and that she might just be altering her/trying to alter my view on what's normal/healthy. She's often depressed because she's "fat," a word I have never used, but I don't think she realizes that she's obese, another word I haven't used yet but feel like I need to at some point.
Nope, you are showing your true colors, this is not about what's best for her health, it's about her looks. Why on Earth do you care if she thinks 150 pounds is pretty skinny - it's a healthy weight for her height. By the way, the LATEST research shows being a little overweight is surprisingly correlated with long-term good health. Being underweight is not.
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Originally Posted by bjh293
This past weekend we went to the park and she went walking with a friend and I ran 5 miles. We had to meet up with another friend, and since she didn't want to eat dinner late (smart decision) we decided to go out to eat. I ordered a chicken sandwich and fries while she got a salad. She said she was going to eat half of my fries (which usually happens, she gets a salad or sub and then eats like half my fries or orders 2 cookies) to which I told her it probably wasn't a good idea considering her plan. This upset her a whole lot and she tried to shame me that I was eating unhealthy when I was the one who had just run 5 miles. She lacks the willpower to do this on her own. Apparently she used to work out with her formerly bulemic friends before we got married, but after we moved none of her friends here are interested in losing weight and she doesn't want to work out with them because they lift weights. She won't work out typically unless it's with me anymore, so I'll have already worked out when I feel like it and then that night I'll try to do another 40 minutes with her because she won't do it otherwise.
Seriously?!?!? You lectured her about how she shouldn't eat fries as you are stuffing them in your face? If you think she shouldn't eat fries then don't eat them in front of her. I don't care if you just ran a marathon and she spent the whole day laying on the couch marathoning Netflix, that is a total jerk move and she has every right to be upset by you doing it.
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Originally Posted by bjh293
The big dilemma is how do I show her that she still has a problem with food? When we first got married I got mad that she was buying all of these superfoods and talking about health nonstop only to slam half a pack of oreos. Now it's much more subtler, I'm not seeing her do that anymore but she's still gaining weight. I could just say no to eating out more than once a month, but that'd be really difficult.
No, the big dilemma is whether you are willing to figure out how to love and respect the woman you chose to marry, regardless of how she looks or whether her weight bugs you so much that you just need to move on. What you are doing now is cruel and has a high potenial of escalating her already existing eating problems (which you were well aware of prior to marrying her). She probably does have an unhealthy problem with food, but you also have an unhealthy problem with her food.
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OP, if you care at all about your wife get her to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. This is not about her dieting, exercising, or not eating your french fries. This is a legitimate mental health issue that you can't fix.
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