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Google alternatives to AA. My honey went to one AA meeting and it wasn’t for him. The people were all multiply addicted, psych issues etc. He isn’t that bad and felt like it wasn’t for him. He doesn’t drink every day, but it negatively impacts him and us anyway so he wants to stop. One alternative we found is called SMART Recovery also a group format. They focus more on empowerment and a cognitive-behavioral approach. He is supposed to go to one Sunday so we will see. There were others listed too though.
Seems one answer is, "It depends on the personality!"
I've been to c. four AA meetings in my life. Last drink: end of February 1994, and hasn't been hard for me to stay sober since. I'm an outlier that way though. My decisions around drinking were not too great even after college and it stopped me from succeeding in life, therefore it had to go. I don't get too bogged down in emotionalism. About anything.
I too felt like AA meetings were not a key to my success. Clearly they are for a few, and/or very many. Power to 'em! I took off from the last at my 10 year birthday in '04, feeling like a fraud. No chip for me I guess.
"He wants to stop" because it's impactful to the relationship, family, and himself. Those are good reasons. I did it because it impacted me alone, but I'm a lone wolf. Wondering if he needs to do this for him, regardless of others. Not sure truth be told. I found better things to do with my time, though it was a lifestyle change and alters one's social scene forever. No escaping that there are consequences. To this day if the drinking starts I usually split, because I find it incredibly boorish. Just did that the other week, 28 years after quitting, and it probably offended some in the party. Don't know or care, just a vibe, but for every social action (or lack of) there can be reverberations.
What matters more: socializing with the fellas/team/etc. or one's own dignity and the family? A very personal decision w/consequences reverberating to others.
Her actions had nothing to do with the twelve steps at AA. I don't know how she could do the opposite and think she was following the program. The essence of AA is acceptance of your own failings, not blaming them on others. The good thing about AA is you don't have to speak or contribute or even join if you go to large meetings. You can just listen to the stories of others. You don't have to do anything but that and you can leave when you want. If the stories of others affect you, fine. If not, all you lost was a few hours of your time.
As a long time drinker, starting at 18, I never felt the need to quit until I had a reason to. Drinking never affected my ability to go to school or work or fulfill my responsibilities. My wife wasn't a daily drinker like I was but she never criticized me for it. In my mid 40's I quit for 5 years to be in solidarity with a close family member that had a problem. That was reason enough to not touch a drop for 5 years.
After the 5 years that family member moved on and I went back to drinking but only half the amount I had previously drank. Before I drank a half pint a night after work to get drunk, and more on weekends. When I resumed I only drank to relax and restricted myself to 4 oz. of whiskey a night.
That lasted until my late 60's when I was hospitalized with a couple of major illnesses and stopped drinking again. For the past 6 years I only have had less than half a dozen drinks a year on special occasions. The illness was my reason.
I knew a guy in his twenties who got custody of his 6 year old daughter and quit heroin. That was his reason. I think the reason rehabs fail is because they don't provide a compelling reason to quit. It's like hearing a sermon at church, and you forget about it by the time you leave the parking lot. You really need a compelling personal reason to do anything difficult, and give up something you enjoy. I really enjoyed drinking, never considered it a problem.
I have a liquor shelf full of bottles of liquor that I don't consume. It doesn't bother me if anyone else drinks. We recently had company after two years of covid isolation and I celebrated with a single drink while my guests drank all night. Once in a while I feel like a drink and I just tell myself "I can't do that" and I listen and the urge goes away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
Wish I had a suggestion, there has to be some sort of treatment that is kinder to the person without the meds.
I don't subscribe to AA. I know someone who did it a few times, the 12 steps can be very damaging to others. She was writing emails to people, blaming them for her drug and drinking addiction which was not true at all.
The root of her issues were being abused mentally, physically and sexually while she was a little kid in foster care. She couldn't run away from those demons, ended up OD'ing in the late 2000's. Her daughter had to pull the plug. Thankfully she's at peace now. Took her until age 40.
Actually studies show that people that quit on their own are more successful than any type of group. Of course if you need medical detox then you shouldn’t go it alone. As others have mentioned you need a reason to quit drinking that’s compelling to you. I think eventually we will find a genetic composition to alcoholism.
Regardless it has to come from the individual. When I go to happy hour with my dining group I have dessert while most people drink. Most people only have 2 drinks but if I am somewhere that most are getting drunk I leave. It’s boring to be around drunk people.
Seems one answer is, "It depends on the personality!"
I've been to c. four AA meetings in my life. Last drink: end of February 1994, and hasn't been hard for me to stay sober since. I'm an outlier that way though. My decisions around drinking were not too great even after college and it stopped me from succeeding in life, therefore it had to go. I don't get too bogged down in emotionalism. About anything.
I too felt like AA meetings were not a key to my success. Clearly they are for a few, and/or very many. Power to 'em! I took off from the last at my 10 year birthday in '04, feeling like a fraud. No chip for me I guess.
"He wants to stop" because it's impactful to the relationship, family, and himself. Those are good reasons. I did it because it impacted me alone, but I'm a lone wolf. Wondering if he needs to do this for him, regardless of others. Not sure truth be told. I found better things to do with my time, though it was a lifestyle change and alters one's social scene forever. No escaping that there are consequences. To this day if the drinking starts I usually split, because I find it incredibly boorish. Just did that the other week, 28 years after quitting, and it probably offended some in the party. Don't know or care, just a vibe, but for every social action (or lack of) there can be reverberations.
What matters more: socializing with the fellas/team/etc. or one's own dignity and the family? A very personal decision w/consequences reverberating to others.
For an ex-bf I had in a different area, he loved AA. He had been sober like 15 years and he went every day. But his group wasn't like the one my fiance went to. They were generally more functional people, there was a doctor, a priest, many people who held jobs and alcohol was their only problem. It was a really nice group of people (I attended their social activities and they got together a lot outside of AA).
The one my fiance went to in our area, were people really all at bottom, their lives were all messes, they were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol, mental illnesses, etc. He couldn't relate to them and he felt like they looked at him like he was a cop.
I once accompanied my BFF to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting when we were late teens. Same thing. She had food issues like binging/purging but she wasn't that overweight, maybe 15 pounds. She just wanted to stop the harmful behavior around food and could not. But the group was on a whole other level. They were morbidly obese and really couldn't relate to my friend, they all went to NA and AA as well as OA, etc. We didn't feel it was for us.
But when I started bad food habits again during Covid, I tried OA online. The groups I attended were entirely different. Food was their only issue for the most part and they were functioning people in society.
I don't know if the character of the groups has changed, or if people just need to try a few and see if one feels like a fit.
My fiance is going to try another tonight, but I'm not sure if it's another AA or the SMART group. The hard thing for him is that his social circle are all drinkers, every event revolves around drinking. One of the reasons he's going now is because he's getting together in another state with a group of his Marine buddies from across the east coast and south in a few months, and they drink like fish. I don't trust him to do the right thing in that situation (like not drive). They put peer pressure on each other even though all in their 50's, "Oh, come on, just do one shot!" kind of thing.
We went to a funeral out of state for one of them 2 years ago. The guy died texting and driving. After the funeral they all go to a bar, and aside from beer, they're doing multiple Fireball shots in honor of the guy. Every toast has a new shot. Now, every one of them had to get in a car and drive back to a hotel afterward, and they are honoring their friend who died in a car accident, by drinking and driving??? To me the best way to really honor him would have been to vow to drive more carefully. He doesn't drink all that much regularly, a couple of beers on the weekend. But in a social setting, he loses control of it.
That's the kind of thing. He loses judgment when he drinks, and risks everything we have. There have been other occasions like this, one in which was a miracle that it didn't have consequences. He is very aware of that, doesn't want to do that anymore, and admits he needs help to stop.
People need to avoid situations with a lot of drinking until they have been sober for awhile and feel secure. Some sober people never reach that point.
Wish I had a suggestion, there has to be some sort of treatment that is kinder to the person without the meds.
I don't subscribe to AA. I know someone who did it a few times, the 12 steps can be very damaging to others. She was writing emails to people, blaming them for her drug and drinking addiction which was not true at all.
The root of her issues were being abused mentally, physically and sexually while she was a little kid in foster care. She couldn't run away from those demons, ended up OD'ing in the late 2000's. Her daughter had to pull the plug. Thankfully she's at peace now. Took her until age 40.
The 12 steps aren’t damaging to other if the person is actually following them. Her causing harm to others and blaming them has nothing to do with AA or the 12 steps of the program
It should be interesting to see how this works out. He can sit there drinking cokes while everyone else does shots, but will he enjoy it? Having been a hard drinker and having downed 8 gin martinis and a tequila shot in a few hours at a bar, I'm not sure if I could do that, or if I would have enjoyed it. It seems like the solution is not to go out drinking with friends, and drink at home where he can control the amount with no pressure.
As far as drinking and driving, I always did, but never got a ticket or got in an accident. I figured I had learned to drive drunk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
For an ex-bf I had in a different area, he loved AA. He had been sober like 15 years and he went every day. But his group wasn't like the one my fiance went to. They were generally more functional people, there was a doctor, a priest, many people who held jobs and alcohol was their only problem. It was a really nice group of people (I attended their social activities and they got together a lot outside of AA).
The one my fiance went to in our area, were people really all at bottom, their lives were all messes, they were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol, mental illnesses, etc. He couldn't relate to them and he felt like they looked at him like he was a cop.
I once accompanied my BFF to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting when we were late teens. Same thing. She had food issues like binging/purging but she wasn't that overweight, maybe 15 pounds. She just wanted to stop the harmful behavior around food and could not. But the group was on a whole other level. They were morbidly obese and really couldn't relate to my friend, they all went to NA and AA as well as OA, etc. We didn't feel it was for us.
But when I started bad food habits again during Covid, I tried OA online. The groups I attended were entirely different. Food was their only issue for the most part and they were functioning people in society.
I don't know if the character of the groups has changed, or if people just need to try a few and see if one feels like a fit.
My fiance is going to try another tonight, but I'm not sure if it's another AA or the SMART group. The hard thing for him is that his social circle are all drinkers, every event revolves around drinking. One of the reasons he's going now is because he's getting together in another state with a group of his Marine buddies from across the east coast and south in a few months, and they drink like fish. I don't trust him to do the right thing in that situation (like not drive). They put peer pressure on each other even though all in their 50's, "Oh, come on, just do one shot!" kind of thing.
We went to a funeral out of state for one of them 2 years ago. The guy died texting and driving. After the funeral they all go to a bar, and aside from beer, they're doing multiple Fireball shots in honor of the guy. Every toast has a new shot. Now, every one of them had to get in a car and drive back to a hotel afterward, and they are honoring their friend who died in a car accident, by drinking and driving??? To me the best way to really honor him would have been to vow to drive more carefully. He doesn't drink all that much regularly, a couple of beers on the weekend. But in a social setting, he loses control of it.
That's the kind of thing. He loses judgment when he drinks, and risks everything we have. There have been other occasions like this, one in which was a miracle that it didn't have consequences. He is very aware of that, doesn't want to do that anymore, and admits he needs help to stop.
It should be interesting to see how this works out. He can sit there drinking cokes while everyone else does shots, but will he enjoy it? Having been a hard drinker and having downed 8 gin martinis and a tequila shot in a few hours at a bar, I'm not sure if I could do that, or if I would have enjoyed it. It seems like the solution is not to go out drinking with friends, and drink at home where he can control the amount with no pressure.
As far as drinking and driving, I always did, but never got a ticket or got in an accident. I figured I had learned to drive drunk.
Yes, I know you're right. But the problem is he'd have to avoid his entire social circle, not go to the yearly Marine reunions, etc. I wish he'd be honest in telling them he's trying not to drink so much, but I think he's embarrassed to.
It should be interesting to see how this works out. He can sit there drinking cokes while everyone else does shots, but will he enjoy it? Having been a hard drinker and having downed 8 gin martinis and a tequila shot in a few hours at a bar, I'm not sure if I could do that, or if I would have enjoyed it. It seems like the solution is not to go out drinking with friends, and drink at home where he can control the amount with no pressure.
As far as drinking and driving, I always did, but never got a ticket or got in an accident. I figured I had learned to drive drunk.
Drinking at home where you can control it is a bit vague and in reality either a cover or misnomer. Most who can’t control their consumption in social settings aren’t doing anything better at home and usually worse. Why? They are alone and accountability is gone. A limiting factor might be running out of alcohol but that’s not in itself a factor in alcoholism.
You didn’t learn to drive drunk, you weren’t caught. There’s a difference. As a heavy drinker you may be more adept at processing alcohol than a normal person meaning you drinking 4 drinks vs their 2 might yield similar results, but 8 martinis and a shot means you weren’t in great shape and we’re lucky in reality.
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