not able to "choose" emotions (cold, heart rate, treat)

[sportslover]

People always say that you can "choose" to feel a certain way...I dont know about you but when someone says something that makes me angry, I dont know that I like the way anger feels, so why would someone choose such a feeling? Alot of times someone will make some type of comment about me and I try to use self-talk. I say, "this is not going to hurt you", to myself, but no matter what I think in my head, I can still feel the hurt in my heart. I have always been an oversensitive person my whole life and everywhere I go people berate and criticize me for it, and I feel like I should never open up myself to people cause if someone finds a weakness in you they will ALWAYS exploit it, no matter who you are.

I just feel I have no control over my emotions..I try to tell myself to not get upset at myself and to not listen to criticism over me not being able to secure a job with my degree (BS in Business w/focus in marketing) two years after graduation, not having very many friends/too many "shady" friends, or because I talk slow (I grew up in the south....people need to get over it),or my parents not accepting my decisions about how i live my life (me choosing to live in a town FAR away from home where im happy, why i chose my major in school like I did instead of something in "demand", me being bi/dating outside the race) etc, etc. Things almost always seem to bother me and when they dont, they just dont---i do not have to put much effort into it...I get tired of people say, "well you are angry over all this stuff because you choose to be", but I dont understand how to not be that way. I guess some people are just meant to be too eamn sensitive....ya know, it is not exactly cool for a guy to be that way or else people say you are weak.

what is the "secret" to choosing your emotions? why would someone choose to feel negative emotions?

[JMadison]

The secret, if there is one, is to recognize the emotion is happening as early as possible then quell the response.

Takes some practice. Surely I've not mastered it, but near as I can tell, the key is early recognition that it's going on... then a decision to handle it in a different way.

It's certainly not a *natural* act, but it can be done.

I'd say at this stage of trying to control it, it's more like "choosing a reaction" to an emotion.

Just a guess, but once you have that down, then you can expand into "not having the emotion at all". Essentially learn to control the reaction first, then that might buy you the space to prevent the emotion thereafter.

To make an out of context quote... "The price of freedom is vigilence".

You gotta see it coming to deal with it proactively.

That takes experience.

(Unless of course, you're particularly cold blooded or non-caring to start with.)

[moonshadow]

Originally Posted by JMadison

The secret, if there is one, is to recognize the emotion is happening as early as possible then quell the response.

Takes some practice. Surely I've not mastered it, but near as I can tell, the key is early recognition that it's going on... then a decision to handle it in a different way.

It's certainly not a *natural* act, but it can be done.

I'd say at this stage of trying to control it, it's more like "choosing a reaction" to an emotion.

Just a guess, but once you have that down, then you can expand into "not having the emotion at all". Essentially learn to control the reaction first, then that might buy you the space to prevent the emotion thereafter.

To make an out of context quote... "The price of freedom is vigilence".

You gotta see it coming to deal with it proactively.

That takes experience.

(Unless of course, you're particularly cold blooded or non-caring to start with.)

I agree, although I will say for myself that my process is a little different.

First I had to recognize and accurately identify what I was feeling. That took a while.
Then I moved on to trying to determine the reason for the feeling and whether or not it was reasonable in the given circumstances to be feeling it.

If it wasn't reasonable, (ie I was busy tearing shreds off myself internally for something, particularly something somebody else might have said or done), then I learned to challenge my inner self talk OR in the case of someone else, challenge in my mind what they said or did. Weigh up whether if what was being said or done was valid either by myself or someone else.

If it was reasonable, (ie I was really angry because of an event that would make any reasonable person in the same circumstances angry) I learned to feel the anger but take a deep breath and try to slow down my heart rate and thought processes in order to view the situation more clearly and less emotionally.

I agree that recognition of exactly how you feel is really important and I agree that controlling reactions is also important and can be done.

I guess I just have a teeny problem with the idea of "quelling" emotions in that I think stuffing things down inside is really unhealthy and leads to bigger problems later. I think perhaps acknowledging how you feel, even if it is anger or rage, and not being fearful of feeling that way is really important before attempting to change how you react.

[subsound]

You can't really control emotions at the instant they happen, but you can learn to control how you express and react to them. Every time you interact with some one and something comes up, say an offhand remark that is unjust, you have to take a mental step back and let the initial intensity of the emotion go by then work out what would be the best response. It takes practice and commitment, and when it happens you must figure out why it happened. Vary rarely do intense emotions happen in every day situations because of that situation, it's usually past grievances that have been fed and nursed.

Feeling rage and anger is rarely positive, acting like you are can be useful if controlled, and by letting it happen it just becomes a habit and will happen even more. The best way to go is detachment, which doesn't mean you don't care but that you don't get swept up in every little thing. Eastern philosophies are very good at teaching it (Zen and Taoism).

It's best to do it, because those who are in control by emotions are not in control of themselves.

[ShouldIMoveOrStayPut...?]

You state you are unable to secure a job with your B.S. in business with marketing emphasis. Are you presently employed but not in your field, or presently unemployed?

If the latter, I would get some sort of job working with the general public, don't be afraid to take something "beneath" your qualifications. It will be a "baptism of fire" so to speak. But survive and your will acqire iterpersonal skills, control over emotions, and an enourmous boost of ego and self confidence. Overall making you a stronger person. In time you'll wonder how you ever got by as your old self.

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

The only way someone can make you do something is to hold a gun to your head or threaten you in some way. The only way they can hurt you is if you decide their opinion matters to you. That is the "choice" people talk about.

[sportslover]

Originally Posted by ShouldIMoveOrStayPut...?

You state you are unable to secure a job with your B.S. in business with marketing emphasis. Are you presently employed but not in your field, or presently unemployed?

If the latter, I would get some sort of job working with the general public, don't be afraid to take something "beneath" your qualifications. It will be a "baptism of fire" so to speak. But survive and your will acqire iterpersonal skills, control over emotions, and an enourmous boost of ego and self confidence. Overall making you a stronger person. In time you'll wonder how you ever got by as your old self.

I am presently employed, but working an hourly retail job (two, actually). what kind of jobs are you talking about that you had in mind i should take? Excellent advice, though! and thanks to all who have answered so far.

[sportslover]

Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah

The only way someone can make you do something is to hold a gun to your head or threaten you in some way. The only way they can hurt you is if you decide their opinion matters to you. That is the "choice" people talk about.

True, and also what I dont get it is people say that you can control how someone treats you. Well, I cant make them treat me a certain way unless i threaten their life which aint happenin. Like people always tell me i take crap off of others...well its not that..I just try to act like im ignoring what is said to me, but that makes it appear that I am just allowing others to say things to me that they shouldnt, but then if i respond to those comments then people say, "well why did you respond to that? ignore them and stop giving weight to their comments". its a lose-lose situation.

[moonshadow]

Originally Posted by introspective1

True, and also what I dont get it is people say that you can control how someone treats you. Well, I cant make them treat me a certain way unless i threaten their life which aint happenin. Like people always tell me i take crap off of others...well its not that..I just try to act like im ignoring what is said to me, but that makes it appear that I am just allowing others to say things to me that they shouldnt, but then if i respond to those comments then people say, "well why did you respond to that? ignore them and stop giving weight to their comments". its a lose-lose situation.

Yeah, I understand a lot of what you're saying. Much of it has been levelled at me at different times in my life.

You're too sensitive
CHOOSE to be positive
CHOOSE not to be negative
Don't let people walk all over you
Don't respond
Do respond

the list is endless and confusing AND frustrating.

Ultimately what I know is that you can gain a great deal of peace and "handle" these things so much easier with just a few techniques and by establishing boundaries.

You are who you are. You have every right to feel however it is you feel.
People can't comment on it if they don't know, so one thing I've learned is to be really selective about who I share my thoughts and feelings with.

With regard to how people treat you, yes you're right to some extent. You can't control what other people do BUT you can limit your exposure to those who treat you badly or quietly challenge them if you don't like what is happening. This one is really difficult to negotiate if you're a go with the flow kind of person and normally would ignore what you don't like but it can be as simple as saying "I don't like it when you <insert behaviour here>. It makes me feel <insert feeling here>." Said quietly as a statement of fact is sometimes enough to make people aware and to start policing their own behaviour, if it isn't then removing yourself from them is another great option.

The bottom line I have found, well for me anyway, is I need to be kind to myself first and foremost and if that means occasionally having to draw people's attention to my likes and dislikes or ending a friendship/relationship if necessary then so be it.

Be who you are introspective1. Love yourself and respect yourself and raise the bar in terms of your expectations from the people around you. The confidence you will gain from knowing yourself well and exuding self respect will go a long way to filtering out the kind of people you don't need in your life.

[sportslover]

Thank you so much, MoonShadow!