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Ok I have been living in Dubuque for the last 2 years and have found it extremely difficult to fit in. The city is beautiful but the citizens are seeming to be closed minded and clique-ish. I am not catholic and I'm not from here. I know that is two big strikes against me right there. As such, I find that people here are incredibly resistant to my attempts to be their friend. To put this into perspective, out of the time I've been here, I have never been invited anywhere, never had anyone accept an invite that I've extended, and I have nobody my age (29) to call on. I am originally from the suburbs of Chicago.
Don't think I haven't tried to make friends. I'm a textbook nice guy, but no matter what I try, I just have not been able to connect with anyone in town. Social companionship is my inalienable human right!
Quick, what resources do I have, before I ditch my job and move to Madison, where I hear at least people are friendly?
I saw a show on Dubuque only last week. It was on PBS. It was something about how green the city was becoming. How it was wanting to improve on its downtown including attracting residents to live in that area. Improve on its public transit and ways to retain its younger population from leaving for the big city.
It seemed like a nice Mid West community probably more geared for families, many that had probably been there for generations. Truthfully in many ways it looks like a place I would like to live provided it was within an hour of a large Metro.
Perhaps Dubuque is not a good fit for you. You can knock yourself out looking for friends and wondering why it doesn't happen. When it gets to be a year and longer and things just don't seem to fit there is a reason. Perhaps you have little in common with those you meet. Maybe the culture of the area is different from what your used to. I am thinking it is very family oriented and not a large city, so right there that could pose a probem for a single person. The fact your not from there in that type of setting could only make it all the more difficult for you. You also have to look at the fact you moved there from the suburbs of a huge Metro. Your just use to a different way of life and your 29 not 59. I don't think your at a point in life to be in Dubuque unless you were originally from there or had some family there.
I wouldn't throw the towel in just yet though. You have a job there and that above all in this day and age, has to take precedence on our decisions in life. You do not want to pack up for Madison without a job. Unless you plan on looking for a new one or transferring with your current one I would stay put until you have that plan set in place.
Look into Meetup groups in Dubuque, Whatever your interests are find organizations where you can utilize those skills, church if thats of interest to you. I doubt everyone is Catholic and clickish there though it may seem so at times. If all fails then keep with your plans and do move away, but again have a job on hand at all times.
Life is much to short to be unhappy especially at 29. Hang in There. Best of Luck.
sorry to hear you are struggling to feel like you have found a place in Dubuque. There are several groups geared toward your age group that are very open to newcomers and social in nature in the Dubuque Jaycee's (Dubuque Jaycees > Home), YP or Young Professionals (Young Professionals of Dubuque), if a service club is more your thing check out the Dubuque Rotary. I am not sure what you do for a living, but there are several volunteer positions in the community that would allow you to network and meet others. One great place to start is the Chamber of Commerce. They have both business and social events that are always looking for people to assist. Or as a two year Dubuquer, how about getting involved in some of the great social events like Taste of Dubuque or All that Jazz?!
There is also a program called Distinctively Dubuque, a fun way for newcomers to meet people and learn about the community. That program is designed for people just like you. There is information at Greater Dubuque Relocation Information: Dubuque 101 it could be the perfect way for you to meet new people and get involved at the same time.
I think it's just a matter a matching your likes and interests up with those who have similiar interests. I know when I moved to Dubuque I joined the Jaycee's and met all sorts of great people and felt an instant connection. There is always something to do and it's fun. I'd be happy to help if I can!
Moving anywhere can be tough to find new people. You aren't Catholic, but do you go to another church? We've met lots of people that way.
The other thing that has worked well for us...sports. It's Iowa, so softball in the summer. Do you golf? Check out the local courses and see if they have a golf league.
Winter leagues.... pool, darts, bowling.
Meetup.com is also a good place to find groups with similiar interests. Not finding what you want there? I think it's only $70/6 months to start your own group!
I empathize with you... sometimes it takes time to find the right place... and even when you do start getting on the right track you never really know how it'll happen.
Here's seven ideas. I have to say that at one time of my life or another, all of them were useful for me. Its hard for me to give you any great advice without knowing your style and what you like, but, here are some thoughts.
1.) If you're willing to give up 2-3 nights a week, get a job at the mall. You're 29 so you'll have an easy time fitting in at a lot of younger-demographic retailers. Maybe Gap, American Eagle, a sports store, or something that fits your style. Yes its a job with low pay, and the work can be boring and there might be supervisors who are not the greatest, but I've always, on the whole, had a good experience with retail. If you're not into fashion or "stuff" at all, think about working at a grocery store or a restaurant part-time, where you might find some coworkers in their 20's.
2.) Civic involvement is not a bad choice. Think of five things you like and go hunting to see if your community offers something in that area. If you like dogs, check out the animal shelter. If you like parks, go to some park events or a park board meeting. Instead of just going to the Y as a patron, sign up to work the desk as a volunteer, or ask around to see if a youth soccer team needs a coach.
3.) Sounds like you're not into what the Catholic churches are offering, but there has to be another church or spiritual group for people who don't fit into that mold, or, the Catholic churches might offer some social events that don't really involve religiosity. If you don't like going to services, see if there's something they offer that does appeal to you, like a Habitat for Humanity group in a parish, a festival... ministers are often nice people. Campus spiritual/religious groups are often very open-minded, full of good people, and inclusive. It takes some courage to go up and talk to people, but if you go to an event and see someone who looks friendly and energetic, say hi.
4.) Spend time on the college campus even if you're not a student (I think Dubuque has a few colleges but I don't know anything about them.) A lot of campus groups will not mind if you attend as a community member. For me, that meant looking up the Gay/Lesbian groups on my nearby campus and reading that yes their policy does welcome community members. If you have an affiliation from a past school you attended, like a fraternity or a sports group, see if the group on campus will let you sit in on some events. See if their theater group needs help with something. You may not be able to vote or participate in everything, and you might not feel exactly "part of it," but you might connect with a friend or two. The campuses might even need volunteers for various events. Or, you might want to spend one night a week and take a class so you are "official." Then you'd have the campus resources available including computer labs, library, rec facilities, and so on. Nothing wrong with being an older student and you won't be the only one.
5.) Have you checked out lots of bars and coffee shops? I'm betting you have, but again, if there are universities in town there's got to be an influx of people every August. Hit those places in August and find the new people who look lost, too.
6.) There's always online...
7.) And if you haven't yet explored, see what other nearby towns/cities are like. Maybe you'll find a favorite coffee shop, bowling alley, bar, or hangout in Platteville (UW Campus) or in a town 30 minutes in the opposite direction. An hour isn't too far to travel to hang out with good friends. Friends are sometimes hard to come by and I hope you find some people you really enjoy.
And if none of that works -- then definitely send lots of resumes to Iowa City and Madison and do your best to find a full-time or 30-hour/week part-time job before you get there -- even if it is retail. And another option is keep your job in Dubuque this year but make the drive to Iowa City or Madison every weekend for friends, things to do, or dating. I know people who have done that, too.
There's places I've lived where friends just were there -- or came to me without really trying. I lived in a loft one year and instantly had four or five friends from the neighbors I met the first week. Other places, I've been in the same situation you are. I got bold enough (and bored enough) to talk to some guy skateboarding in the parking lot one day, and as a result of that, I got connected with a whole good group of people that he knew. So there's places you have to be proactive, too. Best of luck, and hang in there man.
Madison is a good choice if all else fails, the problem with these midwestern towns (especially minnesota/iowa) is that people will be nice and treat you kindly but not even think about becoming a friend other than someone you occasionally see around, even at bars its easy to see groups of people with almost no interaction, i hope you find what you need!
toast12 -- Good point. Do you know of some places in your experience where people are generally not like that?
And yes, I was in Minneapolis once a few years ago and I did think people were very standoff-ish in the bar I went to, and I thought it was really strange. I left feeling no more love/warmth than I do when going to a mega-bar in Chicago... and I thought that was unusual for a smaller city that I would have expected to have less attitude.
I apologise...I work like 60 hours a week and sometimes I come home and go "ugghh" and not want to check my Emails. I didn't know I had a PM...to answer your question BVitamin the downtown district is actually being brought back to life...they're putting up lofts down there as well as new, cosmopolitan night spots, not to mention the new Diamond Jo.
Anywho...I took a big jump and joined the Jaycees. Since I'm 29, they're right around my age, and there's about a hundred or so of them. So lots of people to get to know. I had my eye on Young Professionals but they seemed to be a standalone organization.
In college, I was a member of the Residence Hall Association, who are a student government body in the halls that plans social, educational, and charity events, and just does things to improve life in the dorms. They also are affiliated with NACURH, the national organization for residence hall life. They have state-level, regional-level, and national-level leadership conferences where students can win awards, meet people from other schools, learn valuable life skills, etc. Joining the RHA was the best thing I did in college...two years out and that was definitely something I've been missing.
I started reading about the Jaycees and found that the organization stretches much farther than the Dubuque chapter. When I saw the striking resemblance between the RHA life and the Jaycees, my face looked like something out of a Tex Avery cartoon--eyeballs shooting out of my skull and my jaw dropped, tongue unraveling out onto the table. I was invited to one of their general membership meetings, and met a whole bunch of cool people. I had 8 biz cards with me, they were gone before the meeting even started.
A lot of them are still reluctant to talk. I am extremely shy, and I've only been to one other function since the meeting, so my progress is slow. Rather than assuming that they're resisting me, I'd like to believe that I'm still really, REALLY new and need to be around them more before they start opening up.
Full speed ahead. And my membership is transferable if I move to another town
Edit: BTW, why is there "Iowa City, skateboarding, loft" in the title of this thread?
Last edited by jedifrogman; 09-09-2010 at 11:02 PM..
Reason: Just noticed that...
Jedi, that's good to hear, the impression I got from your initial post was that it was a bleak and terrible place.
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