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Just a word of warning if you are friends with someone & think that they will give you a reference.
I worked with someone two years ago briefly. We were friends before & after I left the place. Then we kind of drifted apart. We'd talked on the phone a lot, traded emails, and discussed many aspects of our personal lives, including she even talked to me about her bad marriage and sex life - everything. She would even call me at home late at night (after 11 p.m.) She would tell me all her problems and talk about how mean people had been to her, and about her divorce. I gave her lots of advice that she asked for. Even though we drifted apart, we had one more conversation and talked about a lot of things and wished each other well.
I am applying somewhere for a job now and they want a lot of references. I thought I could ask her to be a reference. I had not spoken to her in one year. I thought she knew my work ethic/work reputation when I worked there, even though we did not work on the same hall, and felt she'd put in a good word for me. But of course, I decided to text her first to see if she would be willing to give a reference.
When I heard back from her, she lashed out at me. Accused me of being "dishonest" and said that since she hadn't been my "supervisor", she couldn't pretend to know about my work habits. I'd never asked her to pretend to be my supervisor! Then she went on to say that she "didn't really know me that well". I texted her back and said, well okay, whatever, that it was fine if she did not want to give me a reference. She then called and left a voicemail and texted me again with more lashing out stuff: said she'd tried to call me last year but I had never returned her calls. And that she just regarded me as an acquaintance now, nothing more. (It is probably true that she called me & I didn't return her calls, but we were having lots of problems with our telephone system around that time last year).
I am not going to defend my asking her to be a reference, I realize now it was a mistake. What I don't like it all the lashing out/toxic stuff that's come out of it. I haven't texted her back or returned her voicemails, and I've actually blocked her number now from both my cell and home phone. I just wasn't expecting all this drama to arise out of a request for reference.
Why did you mix personal/professional life with co-worker relationship? That normally isn't a good idea. If you get along, invite them out to eat and talk and call it a day and each go own way... But still seems immature to cut ties like that, you just don't do that in professional life, AKA don't burn the bridge...
She must have misunderstood and not realized that you wanted her to be a coworker/peer reference and not a "pretend" supervisor reference. Did you make that clear?
She must have misunderstood and not realized that you wanted her to be a coworker/peer reference and not a "pretend" supervisor reference. Did you make that clear?
I clarified it when I realized she misunderstood, but I think she just didn't listen. She went off on this tangent instead and wouldn't stop. I think there is something clearly wrong with her anyway. Probably bi polar or personality disordered.
I will be more careful from now on about people who use me as a shoulder to cry on. That doesn't mean they are my friend, or that we have a friendship.
I knew there was something wrong with her when she told me that she wanted all this free money from the government (she wanted full grants for her tuition plus money for living expenses) and also had gone around to different churches asking them for a handout. She would get angry when they did not give her money or call her back. She also lashed out at a friend of mine about a year ago. She seems to have a lot of anger and bitterness. All these things should have been red flags. In fact she is so emotionally unstable that I am kind of scared of her now; I should have let sleeping dogs lie.
Last edited by kassiopeia; 08-31-2014 at 02:26 PM..
She sounds crazy. MSchemist80 makes a good point though - at least you found out she was crazy before you listed her as a reference. Good call in just blocking her number and moving on!
I would not have ignored the texts, nor do you have to explain yourself. I would have responded with something like, "I was asking for a reference as a coworker but, based on your response, there is no reason for us to have any more contact with each other."
Now you know the truth about her. She sounds like she's holding a grudge or something. I would pray a prayer of forgiveness for her & just leave her alone from this day forward.
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