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One thing to remember, a bully will look for a victim, and if you're smart you'll try to not be an easy target.
But often, all the trying in the world doesn't help. Bullies can "smell fear' just like jungle animals, and the deliberately go after the kids with low self-esteem, few friends, and usually is an "outsider" in some way (fat, unathletic, physical handicap, etc). You may think that they are "asking for it" by being that way, but do you think those kids don't want to be like the popular, outgoing, good-looking kids? There is so much more to it than just "suck it up and act normal", as you are saying.
Think of the movie "Carrie", one of the best examples of high school bullying, despite being fiction, there has ever been (Stephen King was bullied badly in school so he definitely wrote from a place of knowledge). What would you tell Carrie if you could, to deflect the constant bullying? To "fight back"? When you've been the brunt of the joke since grade school, there is no foundation within yourself to draw on, let alone the social knowledge of what to say to be taken seriously. When every person in the school laughs and snickers when you walk by, how are you supposed to "make it harder for them". You already do your darndest to simply blend into the background and a good day is one in which you managed to hide and not get picked on or harassed--but those days are rare. I am aware that some "weird kids" seem to "attract" bullying" by being extra-"weird", dressing oddly, or saying bizarre things to their tormentors. But most kids who are bullies are just like Carrie--they are quiet, low-self-esteem types who probably get no support from home and all they want is to get through the day without being bothered. These are like flashing RED targets for many bullies, because they know nobody will come to their rescue. Especially if the kid is perceived as gay and even many of the faculty think they "deserve what they got."
You need to learn a little more about the world from the point of view of someone who is on the lower 10% of the popularity ladder.
That wasnt why I was bullied? I wasnt aware that you were present at the beatdowns. Im pretty sure it was because I was gay since the bullies actually came out and said it. Calling me fa&&ot while I was getting beat pretty much sealed the deal. And Im not that flamboyant but I had a supportive mother who encouraged me to be who I was, hence my early coming out.
And I doubt it was my lack of social skills since I was very popular in college where hardly anybody cared who I slept with.
It's amazing that a hate crime is acceptable to some because the instigators were underaged.
... why deal with the attacker? Really? They're called "attackers."
Once again, the world is not black and white. There are tons of situations I can look at you and say "you're right. That person should have been smarter."
There are tons where the victim could do NOTHING to change their victimization. Does it upset you to believe that sometimes, the attacker is going to go OUT OF HIS WAY to cause trouble? And furthermore, that sticking up to these guys can make the situation worse?
It doesn't upset me at all that someone will go out of their way to cause trouble or harm to someone. I know it happens, accept that it happens and try to watch out for those kind of people and situations.
Now there are times when a victim of a crime has it come to them totally out of the blue for them. A perfect example of that situation was the Harvey family murders here in Richmond. This article by the way doesn't go into the details of how gruesome the murder of this family was. But on average a person can cut down their chances by not being a target for a predator.
As far as sticking up to someone making a situation worse, that's an interesting thought. I do have to ask, worse than what?
Also how long do you let the abuse, bullying or victimization go on? Do you think it gets better as time goes on?
Just wondering.
But often, all the trying in the world doesn't help. Bullies can "smell fear' just like jungle animals, and the deliberately go after the kids with low self-esteem, few friends, and usually is an "outsider" in some way (fat, unathletic, physical handicap, etc). You may think that they are "asking for it" by being that way, but do you think those kids don't want to be like the popular, outgoing, good-looking kids? There is so much more to it than just "suck it up and act normal", as you are saying.
You need to learn a little more about the world from the point of view of someone who is on the lower 10% of the popularity ladder.
Been there and learned already. I put up with my share of bullying until I dislocated someones arm who threw a punch at me in HS. Things calmed down from then on out. So I really do know what it's like to be on the downside, and I've been told I'm pretty good at teaching the lower end of the popularity ladder to not be a victim.
For what it's worth in HS I was pretty darn skinny, nonathletic, didn't hang with the popular kids, though I had some friends who were incredible guys, and was someones target of choice on more than one occasion. The thorns in my side were usually fat and unpopular kids trying to not be the lowest rung and thought skinny guys were easy pickings. You may not have known that about me as you'll find me at very few pity parties.
Bullies can "smell fear' just like jungle animals, and the deliberately go after the kids with low self-esteem, few friends, and usually is an "outsider" in some way
Think about that and ask why does the kid have those traits that make them a target? Are any of those traits a good thing that a person should keep and nurture, or the results of something you can help them overcome?
I'm sorry. Do we actually think that we're going to eradicate bullying?This is as bad an idea as not keeping score for sports games. Someone has to lose! Bullying has been around as long as one man has been shorter than another. Just because some Long Island group is on the case makes very little difference.
It's just the natural order of things. Maybe next we should work on making the prettier girls uglier, so we don't hurt the feelings of the 2s and 3s.
I was picked on as a kid, so was most everyone else at some point or another. The kid that picked on me works at the local Chili's. My assistant makes more than his boss. That's how you win the bullying game.
And that's part of the problem.You get rid of bully #1, but what happens when bully #2 shows up? And they will keep showing up through out certain peoples lives and targeting them unless they learn how to deal with them.
Reading these posts tells me two things - there's a great deal of misunderstanding about bullying and a despairing attitude that nothing can be done to prevent it.
My son was a victim of bullying at a highly reputed public school. He has an emotional disorder and bullying sent him on a downward spiral. He was failing every course, finally refused to go to school, and ended up in a hospital.
After that I searched for alternatives, a school for troubled kids and home schooling - neither worked. Finally, with the help of an educational consultant, I found a small private school in New York City (The Smith School). He loved that school from day 1 and regained his love of learning (he's practically a genius - and an amazing musician). For the past 3 semesters, he's gotten straight A's, and is applying to colleges.
This school just celebrated its 20th anniversery with the remarkable claim - 20 years free of bullying. This claim is most surprising since they have a reputation for taking in all kinds of kids - bullies, the bullied, kids with disabilities, poor kids, rich kids, kids with all levels of aptitude. They especially target kids who fail to succeed at other private schools and public schools.
Their strategy for dealing with bullying is the following: they keep the school very small (only 50 kids - class sizes of about 5). Every teacher has a huge heart and open mind. Kids teach each other, they support each other, and if problems arise (which rarely happens) then the kids, the teachers, and the administrators are on top of it immediately, treating the problematic student with respect and love.
This environment of mutual respect, and care giving is the heart of preventing bullying. You don't bully someone you respect and care for.
Unfortunately, this solution to bullying is not available to everyone, and large schools will probably never succeed in creating an environment of respect and care giving that all students embrace.
Still, I wanted this forum's readers to know about my experience in finding a safe and nurturing place that has probably saved my son's life. Bullying is a huge problem that is tormenting and scarring the victims, and undermining the moral development of the bullies.
Parents, please pay attention to what's happening to your kids at school. Don't ignore bullying - it may be common, and may even be a normal part of maturation. But it is not without consequences. You don't need to accept what is common, nor what is 'normal'. You need to be a warrior defending the safety and well-being of your children.
I think that's the whole point. Assault is a crime. Harrassment is a crime. Stealing is a crime. What is bulling traditionally? Beating up weaker kids, harrassing them incessantly, and stealing their lunch money.
Bullying is simply another word for crimes committed by children. It's not too much to ask parents to ask their kids to not break the law.
Hold Mommy and Daddy accountable for Junior's actions and you'd see how fast it stops.
Reading these posts tells me two things - there's a great deal of misunderstanding about bullying and a despairing attitude that nothing can be done to prevent it.
My son was a victim of bullying at a highly reputed public school. He has an emotional disorder and bullying sent him on a downward spiral. He was failing every course, finally refused to go to school, and ended up in a hospital.
After that I searched for alternatives, a school for troubled kids and home schooling - neither worked. Finally, with the help of an educational consultant, I found a small private school in New York City (The Smith School). He loved that school from day 1 and regained his love of learning (he's practically a genius - and an amazing musician). For the past 3 semesters, he's gotten straight A's, and is applying to colleges.
This school just celebrated its 20th anniversery with the remarkable claim - 20 years free of bullying. This claim is most surprising since they have a reputation for taking in all kinds of kids - bullies, the bullied, kids with disabilities, poor kids, rich kids, kids with all levels of aptitude. They especially target kids who fail to succeed at other private schools and public schools.
Their strategy for dealing with bullying is the following: they keep the school very small (only 50 kids - class sizes of about 5). Every teacher has a huge heart and open mind. Kids teach each other, they support each other, and if problems arise (which rarely happens) then the kids, the teachers, and the administrators are on top of it immediately, treating the problematic student with respect and love.
This environment of mutual respect, and care giving is the heart of preventing bullying. You don't bully someone you respect and care for.
Unfortunately, this solution to bullying is not available to everyone, and large schools will probably never succeed in creating an environment of respect and care giving that all students embrace.
Still, I wanted this forum's readers to know about my experience in finding a safe and nurturing place that has probably saved my son's life. Bullying is a huge problem that is tormenting and scarring the victims, and undermining the moral development of the bullies.
Parents, please pay attention to what's happening to your kids at school. Don't ignore bullying - it may be common, and may even be a normal part of maturation. But it is not without consequences. You don't need to accept what is common, nor what is 'normal'. You need to be a warrior defending the safety and well-being of your children.
Great story! I'm serious, really great story. However, what happens when you son/daughter gets into the "real world" and has no idea how to deal with this? Whether it's a spouse/peer/boss, it happens in everyone's life. Keeping a young person from a negative scenario can do as much harm as good, in my opinion.
It's two different schools of thought, but I think children should be taught how to overcome scenarios like bullies, not be taught how to run away from the situation.
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