U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Louisiana
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:20 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691

Advertisements

Elderly Couple



An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about lovemaking?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused, then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:25 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,178,612 times
Reputation: 1496
[quote=Rainbow Island;7978960]
Quote:
Originally Posted by stacieberry View Post
Good evening all you lovely people. How are you doing tonight? Gypsy so glad you joined us! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Later. Oh yeah by the way.... Get to posting!! Let's see those jokes or just hello post but we wanna see you doing something!!! Smile yall LOL just wanna keep it going.[/quot

Get em going Stacie. You have become quite the jokester, haven't you?
Well first of all thank you I learn from the best!! And second of all they should rename this the Rainbow and Stacie chat thread! LOL
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns :

Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
Health Q&A Session


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay, grass, and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.


So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.


Need grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of barley, hops, & grain.


Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies (i.e. husband and wife), your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.

Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?


A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: ! Is swimming good for your figure?


A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up ! any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


And remember:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, - - - - -


but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
The Soldier's Girlfriend

One day a soldier in Afganistan recieved a letter from his girlfriend back home. In it she admitted seeing another guy, that she couldn't be faithful to him, and she wanted him to send her pictures back because she wanted to give them to her new guy.

After the initial shock and anger wore off, he did what any red-blooded American soldier would do. He went to all the guys in his outfit and collected all the unwanted photos he could, sent them to his girl with a note that said; "Sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Take your pictures out and send me back the rest. Thanks."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:38 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,178,612 times
Reputation: 1496
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife has given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife seizes the moment and shouts back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
The Old Fisherman


A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the
water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss
me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more pleasure that you ever could have
dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I
said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you
have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my
age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has
passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it
out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The
cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan ...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . Why the heck would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-20-2009, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,440,716 times
Reputation: 691
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Options
X
Data:
Loading data...
Based on 2000-2016 data
Loading data...

123
Hide US histogram

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Louisiana
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top