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Old 03-21-2009, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Wrangell, AK
297 posts, read 555,640 times
Reputation: 669

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .....
Now give me back my dog.
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Old 03-21-2009, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,441,793 times
Reputation: 691
GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
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Old 03-21-2009, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,441,793 times
Reputation: 691
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper 's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,441,793 times
Reputation: 691
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too"
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,441,793 times
Reputation: 691
A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,179,781 times
Reputation: 1496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Island View Post
So would I, So would I!!!
I do not think if I was the 18 year old I would tell I had sex with an 80 year old!
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Old 03-21-2009, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,179,781 times
Reputation: 1496
The Price You Pay For Being Good: 3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce. The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven. The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter. Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying. He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
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Old 03-21-2009, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Wrangell, AK
297 posts, read 555,640 times
Reputation: 669
Need someone to help write a resume?

The DC Spin......................

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry (senator (D) from Nevada ) Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their mutual great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

That's real SPIN! and THAT is how it's done in DC!
]

Last edited by Gypsyrhydyr; 03-21-2009 at 04:53 PM.. Reason: excessive punctuation
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Old 03-21-2009, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,179,781 times
Reputation: 1496
Hey how is everyone doing tonight? Good I hope! Have a good one.
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Old 03-21-2009, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,179,781 times
Reputation: 1496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsyrhydyr View Post
Need someone to help write a resume?

The DC Spin......................

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry (senator (D) from Nevada ) Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their mutual great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

That's real SPIN! and THAT is how it's done in DC!
]
They can definitely put a spin on things can't they!
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