Regret moving to Middleton! (Madison, Monroe: 2015, crime, neighborhoods)

[aldodrake]

We have tried to stay open and integrate ourselves into the neighborhood despite feeling out of place. As a previous responder noted, WE feel out of place, so we have been proactive in trying to mind people that we feel are a fit with us in the neighborhood. Specifically, we have a neighborhood pool and try to ensure we introduce ourselves to anyone we do not know. This has led to finding a few individuals that we get along with quite well. We had no preconceived notions when we moved to Waunakee about the people; we were just happy to get the kids into really good schools and a young neighborhood with tons of other children. As of now we are not looking to move (because of the inherent benefits for our young children) but otherwise we would most definitely leave. The going mantra between my wife and I is, "we love our house and the benefits for the kids, that matters most".

[TWG1572]

One thing that surprised me after getting married and having children was how clannish and judgmental the SAHM mom community can be. My wife works, and I see the tension in some of her interactions with moms at our kid's schools. It comes from both sides of the fence, don't get me wrong, but there seems to be a "us vs. them" mentality. I'm not sure why it needs to be that way.

Back on topic. There are good people in Middleton. We are friends with several couples who fit the demographic of what you are looking for. So they are out there. But as a whole it's a pretty sterile environment with people who are into their careers, kids activities, etc. They tend to be established in their work and social circles and aren't actively seeking to expand them. This is a purely judgmental observation, but they also seem to have more than their share of helicopter parents. Or at least what I see from my kid's sports activities when we play Middleton.

I will say I know one family who followed a parallel path as you. They moved out to Middleton for the schools when they had kids. They never felt they fit in, even though they fit the profile of Middleton residents. So they sold and moved back to the Atwood neighborhood. They are much happier now.

[BoopBoopBoop]

Thank you for responding again aldodrake. This encourages me to keep reaching out and trying... if we can find even a small number of like-minded folks that could do wonders!

[BoopBoopBoop]

TWG1572 - thank you for this perspective. I haven't felt an "us vs. them" tension from SAHM vs. working moms. To me it seems like the SAHM's are very nice people but that when it comes to socializing, they gravitate towards the people who are available to get together during the school day or right after school. That makes a ton of sense, but it means that it's not super easy to make friends if you're not available when everyone else is.

[Milwaukee City]

I wouldn't worry about it, it sounds more like your block or direct neighbors. It's not an indictment on Middleton but rather the people near you. For instance my subdivision has 3 pockets of kids and younger homeowners. My street is mostly retired people who go to bed at 8 or 9. Now at the far end of the street the younger parents are there with all their kids. Same thing for the other side of the subdivision. The people near me are all more quiet and reserved while the other areas is filled with more outgoing people. It's luck of the draw, I wouldn't worry about it and I would just keep making friends and you'll find your niche.

If we didn't walk our dog once a day throughout the whole subdivision we would have never met the people on the far end for whom we spend most of our time with. I always joke about out street as the Naples of our neighborhood, old and quiet. Maybe you're just in the Naples of Middleton.

[ipkl07]

Originally Posted by BoopBoopBoop

We relocated and bought a home in southeast Middleton a few years ago. We're progressive and work at the university. Before we moved, I assumed the entire Madison area was quite progressive and that we'd fit right in. But now that we're here, and kids in public school, I have been surprised by how conservative it feels.

Our neighborhood is lovely but we feel like we just don't quite fit in. We're a white, heterosexual, nuclear family and are of a similar socioeconomic standing to the rest of the neighborhood, so it's not as though we're being discriminated against. But there are no young children nearby. And the neighborhood moms' social world seems to revolve around the fact that many of them are SAHM's or work part-time, so they all see one another at drop-off and pick-up.

Consequently, we feel like we're spanning two worlds. Our friends are mostly university people and live near the university. When we go down to the Regent/Monroe/Vilas area, we feel like we fit right in and it is quite easy to talk with people -- we just feel so at home. The moms all work, and the families share our values. But in our neighborhood, we don't feel that sense of community at all -- our neighborhood just feels cliquish and isolating. This is the exact opposite of what I'd hoped to achieve by choosing a smaller community like Middleton over a larger one like Madison! I don't want our kids to grow up like this!!

Looking for any input. Should we stick this out and try to make the best of it? Or just give up and move? Am I crazy, or is there something a bit frosty about Middleton?

I understand people make an area. I know you could do a lot worse than your neighborhood Middleton. If there aren't major issues I'd consider working through it. I can give some bad examples of bad neighbors when I lived down in the state of Georgia. I should say neighbor as I was able to work with the one neighbor through some issues. The other neighbor there was no working with them. Along with bad health care examples as well. Living in Georgia was like living in hell. Believe me it gets a lot darn worse than Middleton. Make matters worse to not only have bad neighbor, but calling 911 on sometimes a daily basis from accidents I see happen on the roads in Georgia. Mostly from people not even slowing down for redlights at all. Then you have a fairly bad education system in Georgia as well. All the ozone action days from air pollution. There's some decent folks in Georgia, but for the most part they wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire down there. Wisconsin certainly isn't perfect, but one thing is for sure is it's a hell of a lot better than Georgia in my opinion.

[Wellstone]

Some of this sounds a bit like the east side vs west side division in the city of Madison.

Though I think it tends to be common in suburban Midwestern cities. Some of the folk grew up in the same town and never left, and have the same social network going all the way back to high school.

I get some of the same as a transplant to suburban twin cities, but frankly I don't really care. Kids don't have the same issues because they are natives. They are better at creating a social network because they are in an environment conducive for it. They help create somewhat of a network for you with the school and extracirricular activities.

Maybe a more semi-urban setting would be better but you are going to get far less house and yard space for your money. I don't know that the neighborhood you cited is really all that kid friendly and I suspect the east side of Madison would be a bit better for that.

I got lucky in my neighborhood and found a street where kids literally play right in the dead end street. I would imagine there are parts of Middleton that are like that too, though perhaps not as easy to find.

[everwinter]

Originally Posted by BoopBoopBoop

I have been surprised by how conservative it feels.

But there are no young children nearby. And the neighborhood moms' social world seems to revolve around the fact that many of them are SAHM's or work part-time, so they all see one another at drop-off and pick-up.

our neighborhood just feels cliquish and isolating.

I'm confused on how Middleton gets labeled conservative because there are "no young children nearby, many are SAHM's or work part-time, and people are cliquish and isolating." Sounds like Seattle to me.

[BoopBoopBoop]

I definitely didn't mean to imply that the lack of kids, etc. was an indicator of conservatism. These are separate observations that (a) it's harder than I expected to meet young families and (b) the area is also more conservative than I expected.

[damba]

Originally Posted by BoopBoopBoop

I definitely didn't mean to imply that the lack of kids, etc. was an indicator of conservatism. These are separate observations that (a) it's harder than I expected to meet young families and (b) the area is also more conservative than I expected.

I have a few comments since I grew up in Madison and lived in Middleton proper for a few years.

Yes, the area is perhaps slightly more conservative than Madison on average. There are more conservative folks there certainly compared to the arguably more 'radical' pockets <tongue in cheek> present on the near west/downtown/near east sides. That said, Madison/Middleton are quite friendly places for a family to live IME.

What you seem to be describing to me is what typically happens when a family relocates to an area without family or friends. It can often take more time (several years) to build a social network that you may have had previously in another location, regardless of whether or not the people seem 'conservative' or 'liberal' in your opinion, or you encounter SAHMs at schools, etc. Both sides make some poor assumptions about the other IMO and E. You will eventually meet people in Middleton/Madison who check all of your boxes and may become lifelong friends- it will just be a bit longer than you anticipated.

Another reality though is how insular families/people tend to be of late, given the pressures of work and the availability of indoor entertainment and services that do not require one to leave the home. Throw in a normal WI winter with a dose of social media <vbg> and you see the recipe for less human interaction in general

Out of curiosity, where did you come from that lead you to believe that the entire Madison area was blanketed with pure liberals? Even voting how I do, I don't believe any place could function properly as such

cheers