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Old 02-24-2008, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586

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Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker." says she.
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Old 02-24-2008, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
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Old 02-24-2008, 03:32 PM
 
Location: On the water in Maine =)
454 posts, read 834,087 times
Reputation: 582
Lawyers should never ask a Maine grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Tommy. I've known you since you were knee high to a grasshoppah, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, but truth be known, you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit papah pushah. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Ayuh, I do. I've known Cyrus since he was a
pup, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife, by the by. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:09 PM
 
51 posts, read 133,691 times
Reputation: 52
I tend to like my humor a little surreal-

An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan.

The sausage says, "Is it getting hot in here?"

The egg says, "Holy cow! A talking sausage!"
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:08 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586
Sean calls home to his wife and says, "Aiofe, I have been asked to go fishing on Lough Ree with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I'll stop by the house to pick them up. Oh, and, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
Aiofe thinks this all sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of trout, some salmon, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, Sean; they're in your tackle box."

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-25-2008 at 06:28 PM..
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586
Father Murphy went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the priest had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me." The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below Father Murphy's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10": "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-25-2008 at 06:27 PM.. Reason: remove font
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Old 02-26-2008, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586
Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist,
Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music
Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things"
from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews receive d a standing ovation from the crowd that
lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-26-2008 at 08:09 PM.. Reason: removed font
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Old 02-27-2008, 01:10 PM
Status: "Status: quo" (set 10 days ago)
 
2,593 posts, read 5,913,427 times
Reputation: 4443
Did you hear about the man arrested naked on Weld St. in Dixfield last week?
When the cop asked him what was going on, the man replied," I told my wife to get naked and we'll go to town and now I'm waiting for her."
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Old 02-27-2008, 01:36 PM
 
Location: :0)1 CORINTHIANS,13*"KYRIE, ELEISON"*"CHRISTE ELEISON"
2,946 posts, read 5,627,987 times
Reputation: 5432
Talking HELLO MEnME!!

THANK YOU MEnME!!!


YOU really made me laugh with this one!! LOL! LOL!

THANK YOU FOR THIS GREAT JOKE , and the others you have

posted as well!

I always enjoy reading them!!

Take care,

Countrylv22



Quote:
Originally Posted by MEnME View Post
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
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Old 02-27-2008, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,142,105 times
Reputation: 586
Default To Countrylv22

Glad you enjoyed the laugh. Laughter brings a little sunshine to the soul.

May the sound of happy music, and the lilt of laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.

A pompous priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen hussies than let alcohol touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Metoo. I didn't know we had a choice!

Miss O'Leary, our lovely little old spinster from Leitrim makes a return visit this week. After Mass one Sunday, she went up to the priest and said, "I have to tell you Father, your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn't know what sin was till you came to the parish!"

The first priest says, "You know, since the warm weather started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, cats, spray, nothing seems to scare them away." The second priest says, "My church, too. There are hundreds of them living in the cellar. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third priest says, "I had the same problem. So I baptized them all and made them members of my parish. Haven't seen one of them since."

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-27-2008 at 06:06 PM.. Reason: remove font
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