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Old 02-27-2008, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586

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Thank you for the reps snow fairy, bignhfamily, and countrylv

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-27-2008 at 07:48 PM.. Reason: add another name
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Old 02-27-2008, 09:53 PM
 
1,962 posts, read 4,494,928 times
Reputation: 1817
[quote=MEnME;2968070]

A pompous priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen hussies than let alcohol touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Metoo. I didn't know we had a choice!

Dear MEnME...thanks so much for the jokes!! I can't get enough.
I have been copy and pasting and forwarding to many friends, regardless of religious upbringing. Keep them coming!
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Old 02-28-2008, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586
Default To Moughie

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time, she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students. The first child said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic, and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Protestant, and this is my casserole dish.
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Old 02-28-2008, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586
An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." "Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."
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Old 02-28-2008, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586
Default For Moughie

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the older priest. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the chapel roof!
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Old 02-29-2008, 04:37 PM
 
Location: :0)1 CORINTHIANS,13*"KYRIE, ELEISON"*"CHRISTE ELEISON"
3,007 posts, read 5,696,202 times
Reputation: 5606
Talking HELLO MEnME!!! THANK YOU! :0)

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME!!!


THANK YOU FOR THIS MESSAGE MEnME!!


THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE WONDERFUL JOKES YOU ARE ALWAYS POSTING!!

And for putting a SMILE on everyone's face

You are always kind & nice to everyone THANK YOU!

Take care,

Countrylv22




Quote:
Originally Posted by MEnME View Post
Thank you for the reps snow fairy, bignhfamily, and countrylv
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Old 03-01-2008, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586
Default Keep Smiling.

Charlie was a regular visitor at the Galway Races. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Thinking there might be something to it, Charlie put a couple of euros on the blessed horse. Sure enough it came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty euros! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead a thousand, so between races Charlie left the track, went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put every Euro he owned on that horse to win. The race began. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, Charlie's pick was last! Devastated, he found the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?" "Ye must be a Protestant," sighed the priest. "The trouble is you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the house."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a lad dressed in sunglasses, loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the lad: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven" The fellah replies, "I'm Johnny O'Rourke, taxi-driver, Brooklyn, New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Phillip Smith, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


Last edited by Eastport4me; 03-01-2008 at 01:47 PM.. Reason: remove size of font
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Old 03-01-2008, 09:17 PM
 
1,962 posts, read 4,494,928 times
Reputation: 1817
Please forgive any sexist connotations in this- just enjoy it for what is it- no insult intended toward anyone!

An engineer from BMW died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him, "Since you ' ve been such a good man and your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

(1) There' s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
(2) It chatters constantly at high speeds.
(3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
(4) The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
(5) The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."Cheers!"
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Old 03-02-2008, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Gary, WV & Springfield, ME
5,826 posts, read 9,158,328 times
Reputation: 17315
A young executive is careening up and down Rt 6 between Lincoln and Springfield on a warm, summer evening. Just before he gets to the reduced speed area in Lee, he spots a police cruiser sitting on the far side of a store with just the parking lights on. The exec knows it's too late, his speed would have been picked up by the radar gun by now. So he cruises on past and sure enough, the cruiser pulls out onto the road behind him with the lights on.

The exec pulls over, knowing he has no excuse and can't even think of anything clever to say. The officer approaches the driver with his ticket book and pen, ready to generate some serious revenues for his town with just this one ticket.

The officer addresses the exec with,
"Mister, I've been waiting all day for someone like you to come along."

Without so much as a pause for thought, the exec replied,
"I got here as fast as I could."

The officer laughed so hard he almost fell down. No ticket. The officer needed a good laugh and that was it.
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Old 03-02-2008, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,150,336 times
Reputation: 586
LOL...too funny...thanks.
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