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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
As always, it’s the kids that make us laugh the longest and heartiest. Here are some great lines out of the mouths of babes:
Five year old old Caitlyn was asked to say Grace before the Easter dinner. Here's what she said: Bless us Oh Lord for these thy gifts from thy bunny.
Four year old Lynsi told her grandmother, "You smell so good! Is that Oil of Old Lady?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
A woman was trying hard to get the lid off a jar of pickles. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she says to her mother. I can't read, I can't write-and they won't let me talk!"
little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A young subby was finishing up last minute paperwork in his office and clocked out at 2000 hours. He saw an Admiral standing by a confidential documents shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The Admiral asked the young soldier if he knew how to operate this machine - his secretary had already gone for the day. The young subby said, "Yes Sir." Without pausing, the young man turned onn the shredder, took the paper from the Admiral and fed it into the machine. The Admiral said, "Thanks, I just need one copy."
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original
$1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock you
would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Ooops,
heh heh heh
Quote:
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original
$1,000.00.
Ack!
LOL
Quote:
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
Ho Ho ho ho !
Quote:
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock you
would have $49.00 left.
ROFL
Quote:
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.
When Kate found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations.
One day, when Kate and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked
the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Fiona, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
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