Jokes! (Bath, Ellsworth, Belfast: for sale, camping, living)

[Bydand]

Originally Posted by MEnME

You Know You're in Maine:

If you own more than four pair of gloves.

Saddest thing is that I bought 7 pairs at Mardens yesterday. 5 pair of brown jersey gloves for liners, and 2 pair of leather outer gloves.

[Submariner]

The FBI office in Augusta had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men from Portland and a woman from Millinocket.

For the final test: the FBI agents took the first man from Portland to a metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man from Portland was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman from Millinocket's turn. She was given instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Eastport4me]

Maine Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat...
People in Maine plant gardens.

50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably...
People in Maine sunbathe.

40 above zero
Italian cars won't start...
People in Maine drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes...
Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats...
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.

15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat...
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist...
Mainers lick the flagpole.

-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico...
People in Maine get out their winter coats.

[maine4.us]

A woman had purchased a new electric lawn mower and was mowing the lawn. It was so quiet that it didn't even scare the cat for once. As she was mowing, the cat ran beside the mower and its tail went into the blade. The blade neatly cuts the cats tail off. The woman grabs up the cat and its tail and heads for Walmart. She runs into the store and goes to customer service and says can you help me. They ask, why did you come here instead of going to a vet. She told them I heard you were the biggest retailer.

[Eastport4me]

Originally Posted by forest beekeeper

The FBI office in Augusta had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men from Portland and a woman from Millinocket.

For the final test: the FBI agents took the first man from Portland to a metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man from Portland was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman from Millinocket's turn. She was given instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

LOL..I can't stop laughing...I tried to rep you but I have to spread it around.

[Bewitched]

*For those of you easily offended, please skip this one!



Frank, who was visiting Texas from Maine, accompanied his family to a chili cook-off. One of the judges called in sick at the
last moment and Frank happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
Since Frank was from Maine, they thought he might offer a fresh perspective on the greatest food to come out of Texas.
He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank quickly accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look
on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Sally the Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting hammered from
all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally the barmaid was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 400 lb. trollup is starting to look
HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
Sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sexy Sally,
she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance
to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
He's going
to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili?
FRANK: --------------(editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Bydand]

Bewitched, that isn't a joke . Have you tasted Maine's version of chili yet? About as spicy as a weak catchup. Not knocking anybody, just damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to order a good chili once in a while.

[Elcarim]

That's alright folks! I make 3 time award winning chili!! When I get there, I'll have you all over for a nice hot bowl.

[Submariner]

We have noticed since moving here that the area has no good Tex-mex or Mexican-style restaurants at all.

Locals have referred us to Orono's Mexican-ish restaurant, but we were dis-appointed.

Then again you don't move to Maine looking for good Mexican food.

[Zymer]

Originally Posted by Elcarim

That's alright folks! I make 3 time award winning chili!! When I get there, I'll have you all over for a nice hot bowl.

Ooh, competition! I like to think I make a fairly decent chili.

Forest, there *is* a good Mex joint in Maine- it's on Rt. 1, I forget exactly where. Not to worry, I'll go find it again.