Jokes- Keep em clean please (colleges, horse, retired)

[wordsmith680]

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."

[mollysmiles]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


And:
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



And:
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



And finally:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[mollysmiles]

from an email this morning....

A Maine sheriff stops at a farm in rural Maine and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff’s Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud scream and spies the sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately sets down his tools, walks to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... 'Your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!'

[cebdark]

Originally Posted by mollysmiles

from an email this morning....

A Maine sheriff stops at a farm in rural Maine and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff’s Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud scream and spies the sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately sets down his tools, walks to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... 'Your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!'

Heh, heh...I love that one...

[retiredtinbender]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Outstanding trade, sir. My compliments"

[S Williams]

Molly S and retiredtinbender, these are too funny!.
Thanks for sharing!

[MidCoast Guru]

TWENTY
DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It WA s unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!

[msina]

Loved this one

[island mermaid]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their
orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table..

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the
man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who
agrees with everything I say.'

[cebdark]

Originally Posted by island mermaid

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their
orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table..

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the
man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who
agrees with everything I say.'

BWAAA HAHAHA! Good one Mermaid