Jokes- Keep em clean please (Bath: weddings, calculator, living in)

[Elcarim]

LOL! Much better, C!!

[cebdark]

Originally Posted by Gaffer

I was doing research on Ludvig Beethoven. After reading all material on his life in several city libraries, Boston, Philadelphia, New York etc. There was still a small section of his life not on record anywhere. I went to his home town in Hungary hoping I could fill in the small section. Area colleges and libraries had no information. As a last resort I Went to his Crypt. The door was slightly ajar. I looked in and could see a light down the hall. As I went in I could see a figure sitting, a man with long hair and shaking. I got close and could see he had a pencil with an eraser in his hand and was energetically erasing something. Then I recognized him as Ludvig Beethoven himself. As he looked directly at me I said Ludvig, Ludvig what are you doing? He stared directly at me and angrily said STOP, DON'T INTERUPT, I'M DECOMPOSING.

Heh heh heh...

[retiredtinbender]

An Irish Priest In Texas ......

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his newTexas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed that there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. So he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How may I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St. Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin' dead on me front lawn.. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of da matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[Elcarim]

LMAO!! That's a good one!

[retiredtinbender]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'

[dramamama6685]

OMG.. that's awesome!

[cebdark]

Pay attention "recently transplanted" ladies:

Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Idaho.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and housecleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Maryland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there wasa huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Maine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. By the fourth day he was able fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[dramamama6685]

LOL.. good one reloop!

[msina]

Thanks reloop!! I sent that one on to a "Maine Girl".

[cebdark]

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.

The patient replied,
'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'