Jokes- Keep em clean please (homes, construction, to live in)

[cebdark]

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that.

__________________________________________________ ___________

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

__________________________________________________ ________

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

__________________________________________________ ___________

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to p*ss on my hands."

[retiredtinbender]

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!
They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently it’s Africa.

[maureenb]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.”
Lou said, “I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'”

[cebdark]

:d rep! :d

[Dport7674]

A couple were driving thru LaJolla Ca. and couldn't agree on how to pronounce it. La-Hoy-a, La-Hole-a, La-Joy-a, La-Joll-a....





so they stop off for a bite to eat...




and as they're paying for their food the lady asks the kid behind the counter "Can you tell us where we are, or ya know, how do you pronounce it?'







And the kid says "BUR-GER KIIIING"

[retiredtinbender]

Kids have a knoack.

[cebdark]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look,
its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table!" or Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
Captains' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This
went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th
day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said. "OK, I give up.
Where's the flippin' ship?"

[retiredtinbender]

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started southward. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But then the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he poked his head out and started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping sparrow and promptly ate him.



THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of that pile of crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your bloody mouth shut!

[maureenb]

tinbender, well done!!! I'm tucking that one under my wing and keeping my beak closed. Well, a little closed...

[cebdark]

A husband
and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"Dang!"