Jokes- Keep em clean please (Union: deed, salary, rich)

[Sillybrit]

On board a plane is a Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan and a Mexican. All of a sudden the plane starts losing height; they throw out the luggage, the seats, everything but the plane is still going down. They need to lose more weight so at least someone will live.

The Frenchman stands up and says 'remember Napoleon' and throws himself out of the plane.

The Englishman stands up and says 'remember the Queen' and throws himself out of the plane.

The Texan stands up and says 'remember the Alamo', and throws out the Mexican.

[cebdark]

‎The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

[retiredtinbender]

Love Barry. LMAO

[cebdark]

This is from a German cartoonist at www.alles.ausm-kopf.de

I thought it would be fitting for the weather lately.

[Siobjuan]

Reloop, Aint it the truth!

[cebdark]

A first grade girl handed in her drawing shown below.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Lowe’s and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. H

[Submariner]

Originally Posted by reloop

...

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

That is what I thought when I saw the picture.

[Zymer]

Rotfpmpl!

OK, who's the wise guy that set the board software so that you can't post in all-caps?

[RMoore007]

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit
his poker games and stopped lying around.

He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was
faithful to be first to attend Mass on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked, "What about dis wonderful
change that had done overtook you?"

Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if he's dat close, I wanna to be good to go!"

[retiredtinbender]

Great one Roger. ROFLMAO