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Old 09-28-2010, 11:26 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,723,867 times
Reputation: 2676

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Follow your dreams (except that one where you’re naked in church).

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine “Fred.”

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
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Old 10-12-2010, 04:04 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
3,034 posts, read 5,389,975 times
Reputation: 2165
Default Flagpole Measurements

A group of managers are given an assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with
ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders
and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do,
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of
the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs: "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for
the height and he gives us the length!"
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Old 10-12-2010, 02:26 PM
RHB
 
1,098 posts, read 1,989,711 times
Reputation: 965
I think I might work for those managers
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Old 10-14-2010, 03:20 PM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
3,034 posts, read 5,389,975 times
Reputation: 2165
A rich man with nothing to better do paid a man $1,000,000 to streak across the stage at a Presidential speaking engagement last week. Pres. Obama said it "was an immature and foolish spectacle." V.P. Biden said it was "totally worth it!"
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Old 10-14-2010, 03:23 PM
 
1,113 posts, read 2,075,200 times
Reputation: 839
Geroge Bush was a complete joke to the tune of 14 trillion dollars.

Oh, wait. That isn't a funny joke.
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Old 11-08-2010, 09:38 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,723,867 times
Reputation: 2676
Default Senior Marriage

Alex, age 92, and Chris age 89, living in Maine, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Alex suggests they go in.

Alex/Chris addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Alex/Chris: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Alex/ Chris: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Alex/ Chris: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Alex/Chris: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Alex/ Chris: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Alex/Chris: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Alex/Chris: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Alex/Chris: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Alex/Chris: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Alex/Chris: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Old 12-27-2010, 11:59 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,723,867 times
Reputation: 2676
Default Goundhog Day And The State Of The Union Address

This next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.

It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:04 PM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
3,034 posts, read 5,389,975 times
Reputation: 2165
Excellent. Tried to rep....
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:13 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
3,034 posts, read 5,389,975 times
Reputation: 2165
Default Norvegian Diet: ...



Doc: 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. '

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

Ole nodded..'I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

Ole: 'Heck no, it wuz from all dat darn skippin'!

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Old 02-04-2011, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Leeds, England
591 posts, read 802,901 times
Reputation: 317
I read an article last night on the dangers of drinking Martini. It really scared me, so that's it, no more reading!

Mick knocks on Paddy's door and his Mrs answers it...'Paddy in ? ' says Mick...
She replies ' No..he's down the pub'...Mick says ' I've always fancied you..fancy a shag for £300 ? '....the temptation of the money is too much so she does the dirty deed with him....

Later on Paddy gets home and says to the wife..'While I was out did Mick call in with my wages ? '
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