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Old 02-26-2011, 08:43 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,729,218 times
Reputation: 2676

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Not technically a "joke' but funny nonetheless IMO.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlyDkpYHR70
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Old 02-26-2011, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Maine
7,727 posts, read 11,601,506 times
Reputation: 8338
Four horsepower semi
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Old 02-26-2011, 10:36 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,729,218 times
Reputation: 2676
Default I'm Headed Downstairs For This One

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling Through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns..

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the F*$^ off the car'
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:04 PM
 
1,962 posts, read 4,454,258 times
Reputation: 1817
Good one, reloop! You must have a treasure chest of great jokes!
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Old 03-03-2011, 04:58 PM
RHB
 
1,098 posts, read 1,991,622 times
Reputation: 965
Default Only in America

I took this from another board.

[SIZE=2]1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
[/SIZE][SIZE=1][/SIZE]
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Old 03-03-2011, 10:13 PM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,638 posts, read 5,729,218 times
Reputation: 2676
Default Regarding All Emails



http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf (broken link)
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Old 03-04-2011, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Sacramento, CA/Dover-Foxcroft, ME
1,815 posts, read 3,155,258 times
Reputation: 2879
Default On His Last Legs

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds
of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
Wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'Screw off' . she said, 'they're for the funeral.
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Old 03-04-2011, 03:31 PM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
3,034 posts, read 5,396,222 times
Reputation: 2165
LMAO. Sounds almost like my mother to me. Just trade funeral for another families name.
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:32 PM
 
4,282 posts, read 15,042,058 times
Reputation: 3974
Quote:
Originally Posted by RHB View Post
I took this from another board.

[SIZE=2]1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
[/SIZE][SIZE=1][/SIZE]


ROFLMA

If it makes you feel any better, RHB, we do exactly the same in Canada.
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:40 PM
 
4,282 posts, read 15,042,058 times
Reputation: 3974
Les crawled bleary-eyed out of bed and made his way into the kitchen to find his wife standing at the stove cooking their usual soft-boiled eggs while wearing the oversized T shirt she wore to bed.

His wife turned demurely and mouthed, "I need you now!"

Les, thinking this day was starting much better than most, quickly carried his bride to the kitchen table and gave it his all.

Afterward, with his wife back tending the eggs with the T shirt around her neck, Les sought to clear up some confusion.

"What was all that about?" he asked.

His wife winked.

"The egg timer is broken."


.
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