Your first Maine winter... (insurance, new home, scorpions)

[deerislesmile]

I don't think that has been previously posted- I received it via e-mail and thought it was hilarious.

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Maine is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful; certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Maine. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white sh*t coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *sshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofab*tch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the sh*thead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a god*mn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of sh*t into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

March 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that d*mn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow sh*t.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the G0d forsaken State of Maine.

[entyss]

That's hysterical! And it sounds exactly like DH with the snow plow driver, especially when he ran over our mailbox for the second time...

[Northern Maine Land Man]

OK, This has come around again. Time for somebody to post the firewood experience.

[Casper1212]

Please do. Hubby and I are about to roll of the bed laughing at this one. I should get with El and do a Texas version of it.
Let's see--Thanksgiving Day--got up late, ate too much, and sat around watching the bowl games because it was too hot to go out and shoot some hoops.
Dec. 25--What a great Christmas! Hiked into Big Bend and spent the night camped out in the Chisos Mountains. Saw the legendary Ghost Lights. What a cool place to live.
Jan. 19--Packed away all my shorts and T shirts in anticipation of winter. Temps in the seventies today. No snow! Texas is great.
March 4--Went out to work in the yard and prepare for growing season. Broke two shovel handles and didn't make a dent in the d****d dirt! How do people grow anything around here?
April 10--Can't find an exterminator. Found another one of those d**n scorpions in the house last night. The hard way. Spent all night driving to the hospital and back, just to find that the jokers at work were kidding when they said the things were deadly.
June 15--Thought the thermometer on the porch was busted, but the one at work said the same thing. Triple digits for the third day in a row. No wonder people disappear at noon and don't move again until it gets dark.
July 12--First rain of summer. First rain since we got here. It all came down at once and filled low spots in the road. Deeper than I thought. The insurance company says they don't pay on flood damage caused by pure stupidity.
August 1--Power out for the fourth time this week. Didn't even rain here. Transformer got knocked out from heat lightening.
Sept.1--Too hot to do anything for Labor Day. No basketball, no football, no baseball to watch. ****.
Oct. 31--There is something so wrong about wearing shorts on Halloween. Texas s***s.

Not as good, I know. But you get the idea--everything is relative.

[retiredtinbender]

Casper, I remember reading that one when i was out in Tucson. I was only there a short time but saw and read a lot. \

About time you changed your "location" from "the border trying to keep people out to the border where you try to taslk them into coming over", isn't it?

[Raffie]

Yes post the Firewood one, I looked on line, found a few, sort of funny so I'm guessing it was not the one so I didn't post it.

[ExAirForce]

We have seen a couple variations of this over the years but as we prepare to move back from Germany (108 days to go) the timing of this different version was hilarious. Being from Maine originally I keep telling my wife (who is not from New England) that she better be ready. We were laughing as we read this and she just looked at me and said... "I still want to move to Maine"... LOL we will see if she says that in a year. ;-)

[retiredtinbender]

Ther's one that talks about "the beautifull, timid,deer. why would anyone want to harm them." Then towards the end when he hits one in the (sorry ) Volvo he wants to go out and help mass murder the "rotten little pieces of ....!" That's what usually brings 'em around.

[JC3]

Have seen various versions of these and I can't help but laugh each time I read them.

[Libris Fidelis]

If ya can't stand thuh cold, stay outta thuh kitchin!