Need Advice- Asking Mom to Move Out! (apartment, house)

[legsfordays86]

I am in a true dilemma- one of the heart. My sis and I are in our mid 20s, single, with active social lives. I've lived on my own for a couple years but moved to the area recently, and about 2 months ago, my mother (whom I have an excellent relationship with) had some health issues. She lives 9+ hours away, and to get some recovery, moved to the area and in with us into our two bedroom apartment. It's been about 6 weeks and things have been a rollercoaster somewhat. She's pretty much recovered, walking around, shopping, etc. but hasn't been back to the doctor to be cleared to work again. We love our Mom; When we lived apart I still talked to her everyday. We have a loving relationship, but naturally things have become a little strained with her moving in. I guess I was kinda naiive thinking that it wouldn't cause problems, but it has. Since she's moved in, she's helped with laundry and cooking, but due to issues with temporary disability, she hasn't received any money really so can't contribute financially. Also, as I mentioned, my sister and I are young and single, but find ourselves second guessing going out and staying out like we'd like because we don't want to leave her alone or make her feel unwelcome. We've also have postponed on hosting things at our place due to the somewhat cramped living quarters- it's a spacious two bedroom, but out living room has become her room somewhat. My mother can be very opinionated and has many times has scolded us or gotten upset about something because I think she subconsciously still sees us as her "little girls" and not her adult daughters in their own place whom she is staying with. That's definitely a problem at times and definitely causes awkward moments...
Her leave from work is up in about 2 weeks, and so she plans on moving here permanently once that happens. She doesn't have work lined up, and will be surviving on disability as of right now. Her sisters/father are about 3 hours away in her hometown have offered open rooms in their homes, and I've talked to her about moving there, but she refuses because she doesn't want to go "backwards". Her father, who is very sick and is a driving factor of her moving closer to the rest of the family, but she doesn't want to live with him. I'm concerned because she hasn't really shown a sense of urgency while handling the matters of her health, etc, hence she hasn't found out if she's legally cleared to work. She gets somewhat defensive when we start to inquire about the status of things with her disability, health, etc. Her plan is to stay with us, but that's indefinite due to her being on disability and the vagueness of her situation. The thing that worries me is that she will get complacent and not find work until it's on her terms, which may be months from now, at the very best due to the economy, etc. On top of that, I'm not confident that if she doesn't find work, she will make enough to live on her own in this area, so then she'll be stuck at the house with us. I don't want her to feel like she's on vacation which is sort of how we feel just by how's she's been handling things when it came to handling her business with the doctors etc. I'm not one for confrontation and when I do work up the nerve to mention the situation to her, she is very vague with her future plans beyond moving here and finding work, and if we probe she get's defensive and plays the victim. I'm so grateful for my mom and truly appreciate everything she's done for us, and definitely have no intention of hurting her, but in reality I am thinking long term about what I want and what me and my sister are working towards and I feel like she's lowkey taking advantage of that. I feel flawed for feeling like that about my mother but she's able to be active and in my gut I feel that she may try to milk to disability thing as long as possible because she hates her job. We need to have a discussion with her about it because it's getting down to the wire and I am honestly not prepared to have her live here for another 6 months + possibly by the time she finds work and is able to get on her feet. I'm great with words but am really struggling with how to handle this with finesse because I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to feel cramped in my own place. Has anyone else had this happen? Are we wrong for feel the way we do? What should I do???

[MrRational]

Originally Posted by legsfordays86

I am in a true dilemma- one of the heart.
Are we wrong for feel the way we do? What should I do?

Note that I deleted everything in between those lines?
It's Tough Love Time.

The weekend is coming up, Mom
The ONLY question Mom, is whether we hit the road on Friday...
or get an early start and do the whole 9hour trip on Saturday.
But we are going.

[Flamingo13]

There is a relationships forum

[Suevee]

Go to counseling and let the counselor be the bad guy.

[DaveinMtAiry]

Originally Posted by Suevee

Go to counseling and let the counselor be the bad guy.

Oh man this is a great idea as I gotta be honest I was kind of stumped. But it won't be that easy, the opening poster and her sister will still need to confront mom to justify the need to go to counseling. What a weird situation, she does not want to move back with dad but does not see how you 2 are felling the same way. I'd bring that up as justification for the problems you guys are having with the situation.

[gypsyartist]

Can you be honest, yet firm with her? Is it possible for you to explain that the situation is a hardship for you & your sister right now and she has other options just 3 hrs away? Imo, it's not selfish in this situation because she's not completely disabled. Be prepared for confrontation and hurt feelings though... from what you've written your mother is not going to take this lying down. Just remember that you love her and that you want the best for her, and staying with you is not the best.

I experienced similar circumstances with my best friend and a sister. I had to use tough love for my sister and literally kick her out. I came to a mutual agreement with my best friend, and to make it easier on her I kept her cats. In both experiences, it was the hardest things I had to do in my life.

[AeroGuyDC]

Time to get tough with mom. A questionably disabled empty nester is no excuse to stay out of the workforce and leech on the kids. Even if you hurt her feelings, it will only last for a little while. Sounds like she's trying to escape her own problems by leaning on you. Time to cut the chord and have a heart to heart discussion.

[peoplearecrazy]

It would be nice if you could talk to one of your Aunt's. Have them talk to mom and explain what are you going to do, These girls are young, you remember when you were young and got your own place, Let them do young people things, they want to have parties, stay up all night with friends, you are better now, what do you think you are just going to stay here forever....My mom moved to a 62+ place, brand new they go by income. I am 48 years old and still intimidated by my mother, not even to mention her opinions.I am married with 2 kids she lived with us 8 years aaahhhh and that was in an in-law apartment separted from my house. I was the in the middle all the time. They she would share with my mother-in-law. aahhhh Now after 3 years there, she wants to move back, kids are older, I don't know enjoying while her health is good, anything could happen in the future,