Need Help - looking for advice (crime, houses, neighborhood)

[jackjohnson628]

All,

I am looking for some advice in this post, not really specific to any categories other than we live in Massachusetts.

The question is How do I go about talking to my mother about how dangerous it is were she lives and we don't feel safe taking our 2 year old daughter into this city.

There has been at least 5 murders in this city to date for 2010, one shooting right across the street from her house.

I guess there is prostitution and drug dealing going on as well on her street, so she tells my wife and I.

Based on how damn violent it is I do not want my wife or daughter going into this city to visit without me, however, I feel like I am withholding my daughter from seeing my mother.

Up to this point we have been able to get around it by trying to meet somewhere neutral, but she wants to meet over her friends houses, which also reside in this **** hole.

I grew up in this city and my mother has lived here her whole life but how the hell do we tell her we don't want to come down because I don't feel it is safe for my daughter or my wife???

We keep saying to her that we are very scared for her safety which I am very, but she has been in this house for 20 years and is scared of change.

To be honest even if we said to her we aren't coming to your house anymore unless you move she would think we are just being snobs and not seeing the big picture that I am literally scared for my wife and daughter each time I set foot in this town and do not go unless I am armed.

I think it is pretty sad to feel this way, but I grew up , went to school and worked in law enforcement in this city, so i know it has really gone down hill very quickly but she won't listen to us seriously.

She has been saying she is moving out for about 10 years now and I don't see her going anywhere any time soon.

This really sucks to feel this way that I know no matter how or what I say I am going to be the bad guy in this and hurt her feelings.

thanks for listening.

[ogre]

It sounds as if you have two issues: 1) encouraging your mother to move; 2) concerns about visiting her as long as she continues to live there.

It also seems that you have some ammunition to use in making your case to her about your concern regarding both of these issues. If there's a lot of crime occurring, you've got objective information you can use to support the claim that this city is getting dangerous. Given that you used to work there in law enforcement, although you may not have access to old statistics, you still probably have a pretty good idea about how many murders used to occur, so you have some factual basis for saying whether it's gotten worse. I would stick with these facts when talking to your mother. If the objective information is there to show that the area is becoming more dangerous than it was in the past, you can demonstrate your concern without seeming snobby.

I would also suggest really expressing your understanding about how difficult it would be for your mother to move. Maybe even think of your own fond memories of growing up in this area, and tell her about any regrets you might honestly feel about losing your connection to the place where you grew up. This kind of empathy combined with facts that show there is reason for concern would seem to me to have the best chance of working.

Tough situation. Best of luck dealing with this.

[Beachcomber4]

My kids came home from school last year after seeing the movie Dante's Peak and found an analogy between what the movie stated and some of what they had seen in their lives with people and their unwillingness to see what is going on around them. In the film, the geologist likens the resident's inability to see the mounting evidence of an imminent volcanic eruption with a frog in boiling water. A frog, if placed in boiling water will immediately escape because the water is too hot but if placed in cool water and the temperature is slowly raised to boiling point, the frog will die as it acclimates to the rising water temperature.

Your mother has come to accept what goes on around her. As things got worse, she became more desensitized to the drug dealing and violence. I've seen it happen first hand and people will say over and over again "it's happening everywhere" and come to accept situations they never dreamed they would.

My advice to you is to appeal to her as a parent/grandparent. Let her know that she did not fail you as a parent (sometimes when someone leaves the old neighborhood, there is a resentment from those who stayed that the person who moved thinks they are better) and she gave you the ability to provide for your family. Tell you you just want her to be in a safer but you understand not necessarily better place in her mind. You want her to be a part of your child's life but you can't allow your child in an unsafe environment. She has friends that will feel abandoned if she leaves and she knows that. I'm willing to bet she has heard that from some anytime she has mentioned moving. Point out she can still see old friends and can make new ones in a new place. Show her what is available in other areas that will interest her. Change is difficult. Good luck.

[sblumberg]

I think you have to do what is best in your heart for your family, and if that is avoiding the neighborhood that your mother lives you need to do it. If something happened to your family while visiting you would probably have a hard time forgiving yourself. I think you just have to be frank. No doubt, it will be a difficult conversation. If she thinks you are a snob, so be it - you may just have to accept that. You are trying to be a good spouse and parent. Ultimately, she may even respect you more for it. Maybe it will finally give her the motivation to move!
Best of luck!

[western mass and love it]

What city are we talking about that is that dangerous that you fear going into.