My dilemma, but can be fixed with time I feel (Boston: transplants, sales)

[BackToMA]

I am a 32 yr old male.. Moved back to my hometown of Billerica recently. For those in the know or have lived where I do, I have a few questions. Is it just me or is this a very poor area for a single early 30s male? Theres some people my age out here but I get the impression many are too involved in their own lives, have all their old friends from school and if they aren't hanging with them, they have no time for anything else ntm seems like I see douchebags in more SUV's than ever too or showoffs in their sports cars. All this seems very prevalent where I am. Maybe I am just too old for my age but that kind of thing just doesn't entertain me and a big suburban yard isn't something I aspire to owning or taking care of as I get older. Neighbors aren't too social, people are just in their own little world.. its more lonely to be honest. Its not a bad place to be, but I think it lacks if you're a single in his early 30s.. seems like no girls are here to meet, not many social opportunities unless I go to Center Café or where I work at Market Basket, but that's as good as it might get here for me. I have a friend who lives in Billerica with his mother as well, but hes in a similar dilemma. He doesn't have a social life here as his old friends probably moved, hes my age and he would be happier in Boston at least until he got a girlfriend or steady job/life. I am not saying Boston is perfect at all but I think the area is far more appealing if you want more social options and are not grandfathered into townie life like some are and I tend to be more of an intellectual type as well. I have a high appreciation for music and deep thinking, political discussions. I could make it in Harvard Square if it weren't for the money factor as its really expensive. Most kids at HS level or in their early 20s I can't really hang with... I mean what can I do with them? cause trouble in a parking lot somewhere? lol.

the suburbs of Boston have gotten ridiculously crowded.. so much so that it makes more sense just to move back into the city limits or immediate outskirts like Malden or Somerville, Roslindale, JP, Watertown. These suburban communities like Reading, Burlington, Wilmington, Billerica, Tewksbury are frustrating because they aren't so far where you can never go to Boston but too far to enjoy Boston regularly at the same time or get involved socially in Boston with a much more active singles scene with singles of all types AND the cost of living isn't that much cheaper to rent in the burbs or Lowell which is somewhat behind on urban development. It will easily push more folks closer to the city I feel and the suburbs can have all the "minorities". It seems I see more of them out here now anyhow.

Some of these towns might have some grime and grit, but I think have more going for them than Lowell/area does even if you include Malden into the mix or Watertown as its easily accessible to a lot of the better spots yet its sleepy enough to not be "in the mix" as well. For me the downside of moving to Boston is I'm not a bleeding liberal, but then again its not exactly like where I am is a ton more conservative either. Its more indifferent with less thinking minds than anything and that can keep it boring too. for someone who needs to be stimulated, the long term effects of staying here might get to me but its ok for now as I have some debt to pay and a job I can build time at for now and then when I leave I can explore my options better.

[SoFresh99]

I think that this is a good take on the Boston area in general. People are reserved and it is very hard to make new friends. Most people in their 30s will make friends through their work,church,sports activities. When I was in my late 20s/30s in Boston I worked at a small company where everyone was married and older so I made 0 friends (to hang out with) at work. I had to live all the way in Malden to afford to live with only one roomate and between working enough to pay my rent and the length of my commute there was just no time for social groups or sports, etc. I was not a church person so I can't speak to that. I did take a bunch of classes at Harvard ext. and Cambridge School continuing ed. but didn't come away with any friends, everyone already had their set group of people. Nobody had time to hang out after class for coffee or anything since everyone had to train-it home and nobody could meet up during the day because everyone works like a slave.

[kingeorge]

Move closer to the city and see what future might bring. Right now you are living surrounded with people who have families, old friends, and no time for the new ones.
Closer to Boston you are, more younger people, as well as transplants, and so the opportunities for friendship.

[BackToMA]

Originally Posted by SoFresh99

I think that this is a good take on the Boston area in general. People are reserved and it is very hard to make new friends. Most people in their 30s will make friends through their work,church,sports activities. When I was in my late 20s/30s in Boston I worked at a small company where everyone was married and older so I made 0 friends (to hang out with) at work. I had to live all the way in Malden to afford to live with only one roomate and between working enough to pay my rent and the length of my commute there was just no time for social groups or sports, etc. I was not a church person so I can't speak to that. I did take a bunch of classes at Harvard ext. and Cambridge School continuing ed. but didn't come away with any friends, everyone already had their set group of people. Nobody had time to hang out after class for coffee or anything since everyone had to train-it home and nobody could meet up during the day because everyone works like a slave.

Hey man.. it sounds to me like you're describing the Lowell area as well. People sure seem that way even more in places where people have more of a townie mentality and they work on their yards if they aren't at work so all their time is either at work or on their yard vs the young crowds in Boston who usually rent, work a part time job or even a 40 hr a week job so with their extra time, they might go to coffee shops or bars.. join groups on meetup.com.. there doesn't seem to be much people doing that in the burbs though.. the social life seems more near Boston to me in that respect. From this set of eyes, folks in the suburbs work the hardest and don't get as much out of life. I think you're screwed here though if you don't know any remaining friends from high school. That's the deal breaker about the Lowell area. Its more tight knit in this way.

[BackToMA]

Originally Posted by kingeorge

Move closer to the city and see what future might bring. Right now you are living surrounded with people who have families, old friends, and no time for the new ones.
Closer to Boston you are, more younger people, as well as transplants, and so the opportunities for friendship.

Yea I either want to live in the city or the north country and where I currently live provides neither of those living experiences to their utmost extent.

I am in one of those situations where I might have to move to the city to get to the far country. Meet my girlfriend in the Boston area and experience the active social life, get my fill of that area after 5+ years and then move far north and buy a real cheap house somewhere. That is my plan.. what do you think of that idea? I think its attainable if you look within the New England boundaries myself.

[sharencare]

I have friends who are in the 26-32 age cohort, who are feeling the same pressure to date and settle down. But here's the thing--my friends all live in Boston already, somewhat living the social life you imagine. Honestly though, if you aren't actively and aggressively looking for opportunities, living in the city isn't going to be a rom-com where a girl magically falls into your lap at the coffee shop. My husband and I are very social creatures. (In fact, we're bewildered when people say Bostonians are cold or unfriendly. We're native Bostonians, and perhaps to affirm your theory, we've found local Bostonians to be way more friendly and out-going than the suburbanites, who seem very focused on driving home before it gets dark). Anyway, we are always trying to host parties and mix our friends from different aspects of our lives (school, work, hobbies). We try to arrange group events in Boston and Cambridge that include dinners, drinking, theaters, cultural shows, sports, and other things you expect from city-living. Often our friends bring their friends who bring their acquaintances from school and work. We sometimes get 15-35 people trooping through our parties. And argh, no matter how hard we try to manipulate the seating and point out common interests (what, do I have to fill out dance cards for you?), attraction doesn't always happen.

Yes, I think most people still meet their future loved ones through work, family, or school. But I think one of the best ways to expand your circle and date nowadays is to try an online service, go to a common interest "Meetup", or join some hobby group (e.g. soccer, rock climbing, jazz). You get to cut to the chase and find mutual interests very quickly. I know a friend who found his girlfriend of six months online. I also know a colleague who met her future husband online. I actually know quite a few attractive, intelligent female friends who have gone on online dates. They haven't found a match, but at least they are meeting nice people outside their usual circle.

Anyway, why waste time? If you are lonely, get off your bum and do something about it. Go out and expand your chances. Don't save money and wait until you move into an urban area. Remember, you're traveling from 45 minutes away, not crossing state lines! My friends live in Boston, in hip areas like Roslindale and JP, but it does take them 30-60 min by public transportation to get to a party or some other urban activity, so how is that different from driving from Billerica to Cambridge or Somerville or Boston itself? I'm just telling ya as someone who is trying to play "Emma" in the big city, it ain't going to be easier for you if you are passive about it. The people I noticed who have been most successful in finding loved ones were incredibly active in looking for dates online or asking friends to introduce them to new people--and they did not necessarily live in the city.

[AtkinsonDan]

Originally Posted by BackToMA

Most kids at HS level or in their early 20s I can't really hang with... I mean what can I do with them? cause trouble in a parking lot somewhere? lol.

I know a married acquaintance who hails from New Hampshire. He and his wife moved into Massachusetts to be closer to the in-laws. They tried Billerica and purchased a SFH near Nuttings Lake. Almost every night teens and twenty-somethings would hang out on their street and drink. Every morning their lawn would be littered with broken glass and trash. The town police would not address the public drinking, nor vandalism. Needless to say they left the town.

[massnative71]

Originally Posted by AtkinsonDan

Almost every night teens and twenty-somethings would hang out on their street and drink. Every morning their lawn would be littered with broken glass and trash. The town police would not address the public drinking, nor vandalism. Needless to say they left the town.

I've heard similar descriptions of Billerica. Don't know if it's really worse than any other town in that way, but it's always had that reputation (and I hail from Boston/RI border area so that says something).

[AtkinsonDan]

Originally Posted by massnative71

I've heard similar descriptions of Billerica. Don't know if it's really worse than any other town in that way, but it's always had that reputation (and I hail from Boston/RI border area so that says something).

I'm sure the behavior must occur in other locales. I have never encountered it myself though. The house my acquaintance bought was brand new construction in place of a torn down cottage. He told me that the same builder had several others within the vicinity. The builder told him and his wife that the area was up and coming but subsequent events showed that to be nothing more than a sales pitch.

[AtkinsonDan]

Originally Posted by BackToMA

I am a 32 yr old male.. Moved back to my hometown of Billerica recently. For those in the know or have lived where I do, I have a few questions. Is it just me or is this a very poor area for a single early 30s male? .... its more lonely to be honest. Its not a bad place to be, but I think it lacks if you're a single in his early 30s.. seems like no girls are here to meet, not many social opportunities unless I go to Center Café or where I work at Market Basket, but that's as good as it might get here for me.

Well to validate your comment about the seemingly lack of females, here is the Billerica male to female ratio as of 2009 courtesy of City-Data.com.

Males: 20,272 (50.9%)
Females: 19,593 (49.1%)

So if you factor out married people and baby-mamas, there may not be a lot left to choose from in Billerica. Now what I find interesting is that my town has more females than males but it doesn't feel that when I am out and about.

Males: 3,228 (48.7%)
Females: 3,403 (51.3%)

Now you have identified that the Lowell suburbs are not right for you and one option being explored is relocating to the inner Boston suburbs. Socially this would be a good move for making friends but you will need to be prepared to do one of two things: find a high paying job or line up living arrangement with multiple roommates. you may also need to adjust from a driving lifestyle to a public transportation lifestyle. I have had friends in the Watertown and Somerville areas who complained so much about parking woes.

I left the Lowell area just over a year ago. I chose southern NH because I am not looking to be surrounded by thousands of strangers all the time. Although southern NH is not known as a great place for singles, I like the vibe of the area. It is different than the Lowell suburbs, I can't really describe it but all I know is that I feel in tune with it.