Alone during Christmas (Boston, Chicopee: fit in, house, school)

[parakeets]

I am abit embarassed to be posting this here but, better here than craigslist.

I am a single physically disabled mom to a 2 wonderful kids, a sophmore in HS and a 6th grader, boy/girl.

This year has been filled with loss and very depressing for ME... I have no family, my kids do not have "close friends" nor do I we moved here from waay out of state last year and have had nothing but negative experiances with uptight NE people. We reside in North Western MA, a stones throw from VT and NY.

I am clean, decent, no drugs/drinking, my kids do well in school. Please do not suggest churches... I am a former catholic and even the local church is cold towards my 'non-traditional' family. I'm not that short on $ thank g*d! but by no means rich either!
but am just not in the mood this year as my physical pain is quite intense... I don't date or get asked out.. guess gentleman are non-existant or the Tiger Woods type looking for blond, brainless, plastic filled females. I think I am attractive, my heart is in the right place and i'm intelligent and very caring of others.

WTH is with people? why such dry personalities? cold? fake?

What should i do? turn Amish? I am willing to do anything to create a positive change for my kids.... We really are good, decent people, just VERY lonely from feeling like we don't fit in because I cannot keep up with the Jones's and am not a townie

I wish people were like the Waltons (70s TV series) kind, generous, caring.

Thanks for listening.

Lonely single mom with no past baggage.

[ColorsOfMe]

I'm lonely, too. I am very happy about moving here to Chicopee from Boston, but the one negative that didn't go away is that I have no one....no family, no friends.....nothing, just work.

I am separated, and have been on an emotional roller coaster in terms of feeling that my wife will want to be wit me again, or she won't, or she will......

Since becoming separated from my wife, and having a lot of time to "think about things" I have started to see that my wife is really no different than her family......cold, calculating, irrational, perhaps even nutty.

Looking back I can now see that my wife knew if she didn't do something soon she wasn't ever going to have any children. So, she got married, lost the weight in time to get pregnant, regained the weight, and ran off.

I have gone on Craigslist just hoping to find a personal ad where the person seems "real" and sincere in wanting to start life over on the right foot with someone else. That ain't happening, though, it's all spam on there.

[professorsenator]

I'm sorry to hear about you folks being alone. I, too, moved to Mass from across the U.S. but have made some friends in the area. The best way to make friends is to just get out there -- yes, join a church if you're religious and go to their activities (if you had a bad experience with the Catholics, go check out the Methodists or Unitarians...don't have the mindset that you're stuck to one religious denomination for your whole life). Volunteer at your local public library, food pantry, or soup kitchen. Socialize with people from work. See if your community has an activity or recreation center and check out activities there. Join a political party and volunteer for party activities.

You don't have to make a splash with a lot of money to make friends, but do you do have to get out of the house and put forth an effort -- and the effort must be more than a one time only thing.

In the mean time, post at online boards like CD for social interaction.

[Plain Jane 3953]

But, with all due respect, Miss parakeets, you are not alone. You have two children. You are lucky - I would spend my efforts on establishing close and trusting relationships with your children. If you and your children have truly caring relationships when they become adults then you would be luckier than a lot of people.

[dazzleman]

Sorry to hear about your sadness, parakeets.

I really do believe that people are ultimately the same wherever you go, though the packaging may be different. New England is well known as a place where it takes time to 'break in.' People have to know you a long time before they'll open up and let you in. But once they do, the friendships are often long-lasting.

The worst thing is to be too desperate. People sense that and pull away. Even if a high percentage of the people out there are closed and cold, you only need a small percentage of people to be more open that you can be friends with. Do you have any hobbies, so that you could join a club of people with common interests? After about 5th grade, it's hard to make friends just walking down the street. Maybe you can volunteer for something, and make friends that way.

The middle years of life I find are the years when it's very hard to make new friends. People's lives are so busy and full that they often don't have time or energy for new friends. I have bucked this trend and made a few new friends in the past few years through common interests. Try that.

[parakeets]

Originally Posted by Plain Jane 3953

But, with all due respect, Miss parakeets, you are not alone. You have two children. You are lucky - I would spend my efforts on establishing close and trusting relationships with your children. If you and your children have truly caring relationships when they become adults then you would be luckier than a lot of people.

Jane, although I feel VERY blessed to have my kids 'we' are no longer as close as we used to be... ie: I always had a tradition of setting aside 1 night a week where we would have a dinner, say one that one of us would pick as their favorite food and then we would gather together to watch a movie that was either rented or from our collection. I called it 'family time' as I made a point not to answer the phone, front door etc. even our cats would join us

But, my son is a sophmore in HS and says that he is too old for family time, he spends his evenings doing homework or playing basketball (he's on the HS team) OR prefers to watch sports shows by himself! (so long as I provide his snacks) I also know that he daydreams ALOT about girls and is starting to attract attention from the opposite sex. my 12 yr old dd likes being alone in her room, reading, watching tv, talking on the phone....

Even if temporary, our togetherness is all but obsolete.

[parakeets]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

I'm sorry to hear about you folks being alone. I, too, moved to Mass from across the U.S. but have made some friends in the area. The best way to make friends is to just get out there -- yes, join a church if you're religious and go to their activities (if you had a bad experience with the Catholics, go check out the Methodists or Unitarians...don't have the mindset that you're stuck to one religious denomination for your whole life). Volunteer at your local public library, food pantry, or soup kitchen. Socialize with people from work. See if your community has an activity or recreation center and check out activities there. Join a political party and volunteer for party activities.

You don't have to make a splash with a lot of money to make friends, but do you do have to get out of the house and put forth an effort -- and the effort must be more than a one time only thing.

In the mean time, post at online boards like CD for social interaction.

I have done ALL of what you mentioned above, last year I volunteered for the Obama campaign even though i'm quite open to differing political views I live in a very small town surrounded by a certain elite collage and people know, i'm a transplant here. I have gone to many local events with my dd's school and people considered of the "social elite" don't even bother to talk to me because they are long established or perhaps, think they are too good for me I have been to a few social events and seem some nice homes, very nice. but i'm ME and humble but real and offer myself to help as best I can... I do have physical limitations but i'm not hard to look at. or so i've been told.

[parakeets]

Originally Posted by ryansdaddy052606

I'm lonely, too. I am very happy about moving here to Chicopee from Boston, but the one negative that didn't go away is that I have no one....no family, no friends.....nothing, just work.



I have gone on Craigslist just hoping to find a personal ad where the person seems "real" and sincere in wanting to start life over on the right foot with someone else. That ain't happening, though, it's all spam on there.

I tried Craigslist and was slammed with responses from men looking for.... By golly! that's what bars are for and I won't be found there. lol

[Beachcomber4]

Have you tried Parents Without Partners or another group for single parents? If anything, you might find other parents who are like you and are having problems staying connected with their kids. One thing I will offer is this: don't feel bad phones, friends and tv's will usually win out over quality time with the parental unit. Make family time mandatory. We call it FFF (Forced Family Fun). You'll get huffing and griping but I promise you, they will enjoy it in the end and sometimes, they'll even tell you they did.


Some other thoughts: what about a book club at a local library or independent book store? If you're near a college town, I would think there would be some great adult ed classes available. If you find something you enjoy doing and pursue it, friends will follow as you will already know you have something in common.

[ogre]

Sorry to hear about this difficult situation, Parakeets. I'm not familiar with the local areas in the Berkshires, but if I'm guessing correctly about which town you're living in, hearsay is that this town has a bit of a reputation in that area for snootiness. However, I think Dazzleman gives good advice with the thought that it takes just a small percentage of people to open up to you for you to make some good friends.

There have been some good suggestions here about activities you might try. A couple of other ideas I've thought of would be attending lectures or performances at the college, and checking to see whether there are activities for the public at the art museum in the area.

You say you don't do bars, but I'm wondering whether it might work for you to become a regular or semi-regular customer at a coffee shop or casual restaurant. It's possible that money could be an issue if you were to do this very often, but if this would be a possibility, then it's something to think about. I've found that the (in?)famous New England reserve often is not so apparent in situations that are a bit more intimate by their nature, such as small cozy eateries and the like, where you get to know the staff and other regular customers.

So, just a few more ideas to consider. I know it's difficult for you now, but hang in and keep trying. This may just take some time. Try to appreciate the fact that you and your kids do have each other, even if they are in those adolescent years when kids often aren't overly enthusiastic about family activities, and keep trying.

All the best.