Question about Asperger's? (vision, therapy, obsession, child)
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This doesn't work for everyone though. My fiance's step brother has Asperger's and his mother basically kicked him out of the house when he turned 18 because he "couldn't learn to be normal." She's pretty horrible to my fiance, too, about his Asperger's, but at least my fiance never had to live with her. (She's a more recent addition to the family.)
The basic treatment for Asperger's syndrome is to learn how to interact in society. this also lends to relationships.
Aspies are intelligent enough (often extremely intelligent) to understand that you can pretend to be just about anybody you want. Almost everyone else is doing that on a daily basis, but Aspies find it discomforting to try to do that, instead of just being who they are.
Aspies aren't very good when it comes to gushing about your new hairdo that doesn't suit you, or telling you that your very ordinary looking baby is beautiful, or contributing enthusiastically to gossip about somebody's personal life. They need training in social skills to be able to pull that off.
Try to imagine yourself traveling abroad, and you have only a superficial understanding of the language, but you need to sit and chat with people in that language for several hours. That gets very draining and mentally exhausting. All you want to do is go somewhere you can think in English. That's what it's like to an Aspie in just about any social event where everyone isl just posturing and pretending they're having a wonderful time among people they don't even like. Normal social skills are like speaking a foreign language in which you are not fluent, and you're constantly and laboriously translating everything you do into what is comprehensible to the others.
A lot of Aspies come up with coping skills or other ways to successfully be social. For example, I don't have problems socializing with NT's (non-Aspies) now because I've devised many linguistic and social algorithms that allow me to understand NT's better. I also figured out all the unspoken NT "rules" through noticing patterns and drawing connections and so on. It was a conscious process for me and it often is for many Aspies, but it's doable.
That said, I'm not married to an NT. My wife is also Aspie, but each Aspie is particular in their Aspieness, so we had to figure out ways to understand each other better, just as people in Aspie-NT relationships do. For example, it took my wife awhile to realize that giving plain orders comes across as abrasive so she had to physically learn how to soften her speech. "Can you hand me that cup over there?" instead of "Give me that." When she was still phrasing everything like that, I had to realize she didn't mean it the way it sounded. We both had to learn that we are better in writing and any very emotional or passionate topics we discuss are better done in writing. And so on and so forth.
I make an analogy to physical disability. A blind person who can't read print learns to read in a new way--braille--so they can still read, just differently. Likewise, most Aspies learn how to be social but just find other ways to achieve the same goals. So they can't "read print" so to speak, but they can still "read."
Aspies are intelligent enough (often extremely intelligent) to understand that you can pretend to be just about anybody you want. Almost everyone else is doing that on a daily basis, but Aspies find it discomforting to try to do that, instead of just being who they are.
Aspies aren't very good when it comes to gushing about your new hairdo that doesn't suit you, or telling you that your very ordinary looking baby is beautiful, or contributing enthusiastically to gossip about somebody's personal life. They need training in social skills to be able to pull that off.
Try to imagine yourself traveling abroad, and you have only a superficial understanding of the language, but you need to sit and chat with people in that language for several hours. That gets very draining and mentally exhausting. All you want to do is go somewhere you can think in English. That's what it's like to an Aspie in just about any social event where everyone isl just posturing and pretending they're having a wonderful time among people they don't even like. Normal social skills are like speaking a foreign language in which you are not fluent, and you're constantly and laboriously translating everything you do into what is comprehensible to the others.
You have given an interesting and useful analogy about the ease of using one's native language versus having to cope in a foreign language. However, at the same time you have managed to showcase your talent for being snide and insulting by implying that non-Aspies are insincere, petty, and shallow. Now my argument gets tricky because there are certainly plenty of insincere, petty, and shallow people out there. I have known them, I don't care for those traits, and I gravitate towards people who do not have them, both professionally and in personal life. I would say that at the very least, you have exaggerated the degree to which using some social graces involves being insincere, petty, and shallow. Let's take your excellent example of the ordinary looking baby. I would never say to the mother how good the baby looks, but I might avoid saying how plain it looks by using some more neutral remark or by saying how wonderful she (the mother) must feel to be a parent. I do not see this as hypocrisy, as perhaps you do. Hypocrisy would be saying how good the baby looks if you don't think so.
My opinion is that all this is a continuum anyway. There is no huge gulf between Aspies and the rest of us, but rather a fine degree of shading going from one extreme all the way to the other, with may "borderline" cases. My relative frankness probably puts me somewhat toward the Aspie side of things, if we just focus on that one trait, for example. (I know there are other traits besides frankness.) There are plenty of non-Aspies who are very straightforward people, and of course plenty who are not.
contributing enthusiastically to gossip about somebody's personal life. They need training in social skills to be able to pull that off.
I wouldn't necessarily call that a social "skill". Especially when it can be damaging and hurtful. There are also plenty of non-aspies who simply choose not to get all caught up in such drama.
you have managed to showcase your talent for being snide and insulting by implying that non-Aspies are insincere, petty, and shallow.
I implied nothing of the sort. What I meant to explain, is that non-Aspies know how to posture themselves in an insincere, petty, and shallow way if they need to, because socialization tends often to be superficial, and that kind of posturing is taken for granted in casual exchanges. Aspies are less adroit at that kind of socialization, and handle it badly when they try, and are dismayed when they get drawn into it.
Every culture in the world is based on the "How are you / Just fine" social model, because most brains are wired that way. That conversation involves a person lying about his misery to someone who doesn't care in the first place. Conversely, Aspies are conspicuous for their inclination to talk about things they DO care about, and do so candidly. Like I'm doing now.
And I have overheard thousands of people paying gushing compliments to babies, hairdos, dresses and sofas which in fact were less than ordinary. And then rolling their eyes when they walk away.
Aspies are conspicuous for their inclination to talk about things they DO care about, and do so candidly.
Boy, my female cousin sure illustrates the truth of that! Her obessive subject is religion, so she goes on and on at incredible lengths, truly ad nauseum, about religion, whether people want to hear it or not. And since one basic characteristic of Aspies is the failure to pick up on the social and emotional cues of others, she misses the fact that others are politely trying to change the subject. We others, on the other hand, are hesitant and averse to just say in a loud voice, "(Name of cousin), just shut the f___ up about religion, would you? I just don't want to hear ANYTHING more about religion!!" So the result is miscommunication, distancing, and the desire not to be around that person, because each is communicating in a different language, as you have pointed out so well.
And I have overheard thousands of people paying gushing compliments to babies, hairdos, dresses and sofas which in fact were less than ordinary. And then rolling their eyes when they walk away.
What if babies, hairdos, dresses or sofas happens to be the Aspie's special obsessive interest? I know aspies usually have one or two special interests, i.e. trains or something.
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