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I've been to quite a few in my life of all stripes. I had one I saw for a couple of years and she and I formed a bond and I can say she was a good therapist for me. The others? Well, I can think of one other that helped me through my dad's time in hospice, although most of it was about my just crying through the sessions. While he helped me with this, I realized that his life was so different from mine (62 yo, married for 30 years, kids, successful career, no issues himself except briefly in college). I guess I got to a point where I didn't think he could possibly understand what I was dealing with.
I made up my mind I wanted to find someone like me - over a certain "age," single, no children and someone who had gone through some issues herself. As fate would have it, I crossed paths with an MSW who has had similar issues to mine. In fact, she went to the shrink I now see and credits him with saving her life. I am finding this therapist really 'gets it" and it really does help she knows my Dr. (same one). She really has faith in him and that helps me have faith in him to. He comes highly recommended and, while expensive, he is rumored to get things right on the very first visit (which is $350 and doesn't do insurance).
At any rate, what is your opinion? Can those who have only "been there" ever really help us?
The simple answer is no. The ability to help you is not limited exclusively to people who have experienced the same thing.
More complex answer is: it depends. It depends on the nature of your need for therapy, and it depends on the therapist's level of empathy, AND their level of detatched professionalism. Someone who has been there, but cannot remain professionally detatched, can cause more problems than they can solve. Someone who has never been there, and lacks empathy, can't "get" what the problem is.
Some obviously convoluted examples just to demonstrate the point:
Your mom died. You're grief-stricken and can't move forward. You can't go back to work, you can't handle your baby, you spend all your time in your room crying. It's been months already. You're 22 years old.
In order for your therapist to have been there, she would need to have been 22 when her mom died, she would need to have had a baby before age 22, she would need to have had a job at 22.
Most successful therapists were in school learning how to BE a therapist at age 22. The likelihood of you finding someone who has "been there" is slim. However, the likelihood that you'll find someone who has experienced grief in general, is very high. The likelihood that you'll find someone who loved their mom, is high. The likelihood that you'll find someone who has a child is pretty good too.
On the other hand, the likelihood you'd find someone who *can imagine what it must be like* to lose their mom at a young age, while trying to care for a child and work, is even higher than any of the possibilities above.
In some situations, having had personal experience with a problem can give a therapist a unique perspective that someone who doesn't have it, doesn't have. Such as a drug counsilor. But a drug counsilor is dealing with one very specific thing - getting a patient off drugs. However, a drug addict can find excellent help without a counselor who's also a recovering addict. Not all addicts respond well to that kind of treatment - some addicts are in a phase where they think "what could you possibly do to help me, since clearly you screwed your own life up and all you're good for now is talking to people like me all day."
And that odd, drug-hazed logic does have a point. The point is, not everyone responds well to help from someone who's been there. Not everyone needs someone who's been there. And not everyone who's been there can be useful. Most importantly, people who have 'not' been there, can also be helpful, if they have the empathy necessary to engage with the patient.
Interesting reply but I sort of disagree. I think your example of a 22 year old holds true, but I wanted someone who had or is close to menopause and could relate to all the changes someone goes through. No man can do that. Plus, I wanted someone older who knows what it's like to be older, single, no kids, etc. Plus I really wanted someone who had "beat her own demons" for two reasons. First, to see that it's possible. Second, I believe the level of empathy would be far greater.
As to drug counselors who have "been there," in the olden days that meant nothing more (often) than someone who had gone through the 12 steps which clearly is not a professional organization. But back in the 80s this is all someone needed to have as a credential - no mental health training (and 60% of those with addiction issues have mental health issues as well). Back in the day they thought you had to "get sober" for a good amount of time before even addressing mental health issues. Now it is widely known that both the addiction and mental health issues must be treated at the same time in order to really enhance the likelihood of success.
I totally agree with you. Here are some examples: Say you are a single mom with acting out teenagers. You schedule an appointment with a therapist who is 25. Do you think she is going to be able to help you? First of all, you are probably having a lot of practical problems that might be creating psychological problems, but the problems are not purely psychological.
I don't think looking up answers in a text book is going to be helpful. And if you are starting menopause and are having issues related to that (which could be social, physical, emotional, psychological, hormonal, spiritual) how could a 25 year old possibly help you?
What happens in such cases is that you get marginalized for having normal problems . . . you get labeled and maybe even referred for medication . . . all because you are going through normal life challenges or changes.
Most often it's not the situation that's the problem, it's how you respond to it.
Helping you change yourself doesn't require personal familiarity with the situation.
I pretty much agree with AnonChick. I think there has to have been some similar experiences, but obviously not the exact same ones. For example I found that when I went to therapy for PTSD, therapists who had never had PTSD just really didn't get it. Therapy with therapists who had had PTSD was much more successful for me. It didn't really matter if they had it for the same reason as me. The point was that they really understand the symptoms and know what it's like living with those symptoms. If not direct experience, then having worked with many similar cases can be helpful too. For example one of the best therapists I had had worked a lot with patients with PTSD, Russian adoptees, and with blind patients, so she was able to offer a lot of help in that area even though she wasn't herself adopted from Russia or blind.
Exactly Nin. Maybe that 25-year-old hasn't experience menopause first hand. Which is a good thing for her. But her mom is -probably- in the age range where SHE would be experiencing the onset of menopause. And it also means that and female siblings of her mom, particularly older ones, would have given a pretty fair range of symptoms for that 25-year-old to have observed up close and personal.
My mom had early onset - she was telling us about her "schvitzing" as far back as when she was 45. And we could watch it happen - we saw the sweat just suddenly bead up on her face and start dripping down her chin, her face turning red...
I don't need to be any kind of therapist at all, to be capable of relating *to some extent* to women who go through menopause, and their variety of symptoms. My mom had most of them. It took her over 15 years to finally stop getting hot flashes. Her body shape changed, it was like watching a boy become a teenager. Her skin changed, her personality went through all kinds of changes (but nothing to change who she "is" at the core)...
No, you definitely don't need to have been there yourself, to relate when someone walks into your office and says "I think I'm going through menopause." You only need to have had a close family member go through it, and been there for her, to be able to relate.
That doesn't qualify me to DO anything about it..because I'm not a therapist or a physician. But if I were, I'm confident that my educational qualifications, combined with my hands-on observational experiences, would give me the tools I need to treat a woman in menopause.
I don't have hot flashes. I don't sweat. Menopause to me is not a physical thing, rather an emotional thing. My choice has forever been removed from me, or the capability has been removed, to ever have children.
I don't think there is any way a 25 year old can understand or relate to what that is like for a woman over 50.
I don't have hot flashes. I don't sweat. Menopause to me is not a physical thing, rather an emotional thing. My choice has forever been removed from me, or the capability has been removed, to ever have children.
I don't think there is any way a 25 year old can understand or relate to what that is like for a woman over 50.
I wouldn't be so quick to judge. I know someone who had early onset menopause. She got her menopause in her early 20's. A lot of old people think that I can't understand what it's like to have aches and pains or stiff joints, but I have fibromyalgia and arthritis, so I completely understand, despite only being 21. I got my first reading glasses at age 12 and I started experiencing hearing loss at age 19 so I can also relate to older people who have to deal with reading glasses and hearing loss. There are always exceptions. It's better not to assume but rather just to assess each person as an individual. Maybe most 25-year-old therapists can't relate to a menopausal patient or a patient who has age-related aches and pains, but that doesn't mean ALL 25-year-old therapists can't relate.
I don't have hot flashes. I don't sweat. Menopause to me is not a physical thing, rather an emotional thing. My choice has forever been removed from me, or the capability has been removed, to ever have children.
I don't think there is any way a 25 year old can understand or relate to what that is like for a woman over 50.
It has nothing to do with their age. It has everything to do with your personal choice that menopause has ruined your life. It hasn't.
I'm 49. I had no children. This was intentional. I was so sure I didn't want any that I had my tubes tied when I was 35. I'm still sure I don't want any kids. I am looking forward to menopause. I don't feel like anything is being forever removed from me. If I really wanted kids, I would've either had some, or adopted some. In fact, if I really want kids badly enough, I can still adopt them. Which - I won't do, because I really don't want any.
Menopause IS a physical thing, by definition. Your approach to it is emotional, but it is a physical thing. A biochemical thing. Regardless of your symptoms, or lack thereof, menopause IS a physical change in your body.
EDITED TO ADD:
My point for divulging this information in this thread, is to prove that your assertion is inaccurate. If I were a therapist, by *your* criteria, I would be qualified to help you and a better choice than a man. Simply by virtue of the fact that I'm older, and have a womb. In fact, I would be uniquely UNqualified, because I have no empathy toward your situation. I can't imagine how, or why, any woman would feel that her life is ruined simply because she can no longer get pregnant. I've never understood this mentality. My sister went through a phase of it as well and I never "got it." It makes no sense at all, to me. There are thousands and thousands of children in this world who are unwanted, unloved, who have no families to live with, who would give their left leg to have a mother who loves them. And here you are, complaining because you can't get pregnant. To me, that is the ultimate in selfishness. Would you really want me as your therapist, with this attitude I have toward your situation? Afterall, I fit the bill: I'm female, I'm older, and I'm experiencing pre-menopause.
I feel your priorities are skewed somewhat. You should be looking for a therapist who can empathize with your situation, AND who has the medical qualifications. Whether they're older, right out of grad school, married, single, have children, no children, should be irrelevent.
Last edited by AnonChick; 12-05-2010 at 01:11 PM..
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and could relate to all the changes someone goes through. No man can do that. Plus, I wanted someone older who knows what it's like to be older, single, no kids, etc. Plus I really wanted someone who had "beat her own demons" for two reasons. First, to see that it's possible. Second, I believe the level of empathy would be far greater.