Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-13-2011, 11:16 PM
 
113 posts, read 678,758 times
Reputation: 42

Advertisements

Not sure if this is the right forum place or not.

Does anyone have any experience with family members ( mom, dad, siblings, etc ) distancing themselves after you move a great distance, and you were an important person in that family's functionality?

My wife and I moved 1500 miles from home for a change in life. Our younger kids of course are with us. All is good and we are happy. When we lived near our families, there was always something going on. Dinners, get togethers, etc. There was always communication. That has changed.

No one really calls us. Sure there are a few good friends that connect once a month for a good conversation and that works. Occasional sister that calls.

We are in Florida. There have been family members that visited the state for Disney, Miami, etc. They were not making any effort to see us. Calling them to make plans never resulted in a call back with their availabilities.

Granted, my mother is not well and early 70's. Conversation with her are short still. One of my siblings hasnt called me in 7 months. If he needs something he asks someone else to ask me. I was busy and really didnt call many people when I moved for a good few weeks. This sibling took it the wrong way that I never called. Its a clear situation where you begin to wonder why they cant pick up their phone and call you? Phone works both ways.

My nephew whom I am close to and was in my wedding a many years ago got engaged to a girl he has been dating for about 5 years. He didnt call. Granted he isnt much of a talker, but when I called him to chat about it, the conversation was short.

Now, what kind of person am I? I am beginning to think I am an ass or something? But I am not. I am the kind person. I am always the one who lends a hand. When someone needs help, I am there. When something needs to be coordinated, I was it. The glass is half full. I am successful, a go getter, I make things happen. Many of my family members do not possess this quality.

We have a family vacation home on a lake in Massachusetts. In the summer, it is the place to be. It isnt mine, but my parents. However, I am the only one of my siblings ( 6 total) that actually goes above and beyond to take care of the place. Aside lawn care and waterfront repair, I do other upkeep. One year an entire corner of the house fell due to a storm. I picked up a hammer and with my nephew we rebuilt it. My two older brothers are carpenters and painters. Not once finger was lifted.

These are only a few stories, but you get the picture.

Point is I am beginning to realize I am the glue that bound a lot of us together. If something needed to be done, I made sure it got done. Now that I am gone, the glue is also gone.

But am I seeing the real nature of many people that I know? Or am I seeing those same people with some sort of emotion detachment issue? I dont now if I should be upset or concerned? Hell, we are in FL and there was more snow up north that anyone cares to count. We didnt have one family member come down to visit us. Not even a though was mentioned of it.

Now why is that?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-14-2011, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz, California
130 posts, read 900,937 times
Reputation: 204
It sounds like they may resent you for leaving N.H. and creating your own life away from them and it's compounded due to the fact that you've been the one who is most responsible and reliable.
Families are often like crabs in a barrel .... one tries to climb up and out and all the other crabs pull it back down.
They may not be (probably aren't) conscious of their feelings / issues regarding your departure which makes it all the more difficult to deal with.
Perhaps an open dialogue and an expression of your feelings is called for at this point.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-14-2011, 10:41 PM
 
5,238 posts, read 7,949,261 times
Reputation: 11401
I agree with tireeskye. You won't really have any better idea what the problem is until you ask them about it and tell them how its made you feel. Hope things all work out ok.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 06:34 PM
 
9,408 posts, read 13,691,475 times
Reputation: 20394
I moved all the way to the US when my American husband decided he hated living in Australia.

My parents, especially my Father was furious that I moved. We had a big argument and he never spoke to me again...he died a year later and we still hadn't spoken.

My Mum has access to email and webcam but will email me sporadically. One of my sisters hasn't spoken to me since I moved 3 years ago.

All very hurtful and made me feel so bad about myself.

Eventually though I have come to accept that some people don't really want contact unless it's face to face, they simply can't be bothered to make an effort to communicate regularly using technology.

It isn't because they don't love you. It is simply their way of coping with the physical distance between you now.

There is nothing like a relationship with your family where you can pop in and visit, but sometimes things just can't be like that.

Send letters and photos, cards, small gifts now and then. These are tangible evidence that you care for them and are thinking about them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,829,221 times
Reputation: 32530
To the OP: The suggestion to discuss the issue openly with family members is certainly worth a try, but I wouldn't be surprised if you find them vague and evasive. Where emotions are involved, people may not level with you. They may feel betrayed or abandoned by your moving, even though that is not totally rational. With time, however, some of the individuals may come around. Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,829,221 times
Reputation: 32530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
I moved all the way to the US when my American husband decided he hated living in Australia.

My parents, especially my Father was furious that I moved. We had a big argument and he never spoke to me again...he died a year later and we still hadn't spoken.

My Mum has access to email and webcam but will email me sporadically. One of my sisters hasn't spoken to me since I moved 3 years ago.

All very hurtful and made me feel so bad about myself.

Eventually though I have come to accept that some people don't really want contact unless it's face to face, they simply can't be bothered to make an effort to communicate regularly using technology.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this pain. Many people are control freaks, and they go to extreme measures when they see their control over others being threatened. It sounds to me like that was the case with your father, although I admit I have inadequate information to really judge. And perhaps the sister who hasn't spoken to you blames you for "making" your father suffer, even though he brought the suffering on himself. As for that sister, I am curious. Have you tried to call her? If so, what was the result? If not, wouldn't that step now be in order? Could she be telling people, "My sister hasn't spoken to me since she moved to the U.S. three years ago"? In other words, is it possible each of you is expecting the other to take the initiative?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 10:42 PM
 
113 posts, read 678,758 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
To the OP: The suggestion to discuss the issue openly with family members is certainly worth a try, but I wouldn't be surprised if you find them vague and evasive. Where emotions are involved, people may not level with you. They may feel betrayed or abandoned by your moving, even though that is not totally rational. With time, however, some of the individuals may come around. Good luck.
This is actually a bit of what happened. I spoke to my sister, but she claims there there is no issue and its just coincidence.

My wifes family is the same way. Distant. One or two chat with her, but her parents dont call unless it is something that needs to be discussed about a family member. Never just to say HI. Infact, they have tentative plans to visit about 90 minutes away in a few months (Disney, etc) and said they wont be down to see us or their grand kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 11:02 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,829,221 times
Reputation: 32530
Quote:
Originally Posted by NHtoFL View Post
My wifes family is the same way. Distant. One or two chat with her, but her parents dont call unless it is something that needs to be discussed about a family member. Never just to say HI. Infact, they have tentative plans to visit about 90 minutes away in a few months (Disney, etc) and said they wont be down to see us or their grand kids.
When grandparents refuse to visit their grandchildren, something is fundamentally wrong. Did your wife, or you and your wife, do something to her parents that you're not letting on? They are acting like people who have been deeply hurt. How was the relationship with them before you left New Hampshire? Did they show interest in their grandchildren then? I can't escape the feeling that there is something more to this than your moving away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2011, 11:35 PM
 
113 posts, read 678,758 times
Reputation: 42
Not that I am aware of. They are not a very warm family. Barely any hugs goodbye, almost like they were going to see us tomorrow. My wife is different from them in that respect, hence the reason I love her. I myself am as is my family to begin with.

They didnt want us to leave. The idea was mine to move, so there is a lot of blame on me, even though my wife and kids moved of their own free will.

Have their been differences with grandparents and me/us? Sure. But problems with the grand parent and grand kid relationship? Never. I am an Alpha, so is my wife. However, we dont but heads but work well together. Her family has more Alpha on the female side. My family really has no Alpha. If anything, I was probably the Alpha in many respects. So there are Alpha issues probably. My wife isnt the boss, unlike her female her siblings.

My wife and I have a great relationship. 12 years and going very very strong. Been through lots of ups/downs and the thought of separation never crossed my mind and I know not hers. Our communication is always there about our feelings. In this respect it is unique. I am wondering if there is resentment in this area or if that is part of it. Friends/family with relationships this long often dont act this way toward each other. Is it possible this is a turn off to other people too? Getting off topic, but you never know.

Good relations, good life, things are good, we were a glue that held part of the family together, and poof we are gone!

Prior to moving, we lived in NH for 10 years. So we were generally a good 40 minute drive to either family. Very rarely did anyone come to visit us. We were always coming to them. It was one sided in that respect.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-18-2011, 07:38 AM
 
3,199 posts, read 7,789,628 times
Reputation: 2519
I agree that you should talk to them and state what you stated here. Are you planning to visit home as a family? I know under these circumstances it does not sound fun but may help in some ways. How does your wife feel about this? I moved away from some of my family or they moved and we have become distant. I do feel I have played a roll and so have they. I am not saying this is in your case.
When you stated your family did not want you to move. Basically I feel on that note you had to do what is best for you and your family. As long as everyone is healthy and living well the family you left should be happy for you all. Just my opinion
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top