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Old 04-16-2011, 03:47 PM
 
610 posts, read 1,291,884 times
Reputation: 523

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I've been here before I bet some of you recognize my forum alias...
Otherwise here's me:
Early twenties, date-less guy, tall, dark muscular guy, in college but also have a low-pay job on the side, I do get out and to plenty of places and meet plenty of people, have been trying and not trying back and forth etc etc...
you get the picture, everyone who want to say "loser" or similar now I already have so you don't have to.

So to my problem;
I get these periods when I'm really desperate, And I just try to hold it in, I'm not sure if people around me notice or not. And this used to happen every once in a while, I'd be desperate for a week or two and then back to normal for a couple of months...

But it's getting worse, and it's really starting to have an effect on the studies etc when I can't think of anything else than my lack of success with the ladies more and more often.

What the hell do I do? How do I shut my needs off?
It's not so much a question of learning how to get ladies anymore, I gave up on that, I don't know if I'm ugly as **** without seeing it myself or whatever it is, but I'm just not material for anything to any woman.
I just want to learn how to shut it off so I can concentrate on other things...
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Old 04-16-2011, 03:55 PM
 
21 posts, read 31,708 times
Reputation: 27
I've gone through a period of something like that over the past five months following a breakup. I was desperate, per se, but i found that I was having lots of negative thoughts that I didn't want.

I was helped by my school's counseling service. It's free and I was able to schedule weekly visits.

We didn't go through any psychoanalysis or deep therapy of any kind but my counselor instead just listened and gave strategies to help deal with negative thoughts (such as recognizing that I have conscious control over my thoughts).

Basically, by talking to him I was able to talk through a lot of the issues myself and then he would provide insight and strategies to help.

Sometimes it's good to talk to someone who is not a family member or friend...

Good luck!
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:07 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,084,990 times
Reputation: 27235
If something like this happens and for no apparent reason like a breakup or some sort of traumatic event you may want to do some research on bi-polar disorders. I'm not saying you do have it, in fact, I am very conservative with it's use to apply to people. and it's not as scary as people make it out to be. See if you can recognize any symptoms of the back and forth thoughts and feelings you are having.

bipolar disorder - Bing Health (http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-125963/Bipolar-disorder?q=bipolar+disorder - broken link)
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:13 PM
 
19 posts, read 38,208 times
Reputation: 35
Default You cant hurry love.

I'm a LOT older than you so I don't mind telling you the truth as I learned it first-hand. Your emotions are telling you that you're ready for a relationship, but your destiny is saying "not yet." I know exactly what you're experiencing. And if you're just patient and immerse yourself in something else --a career, a hobby, a project that's at least as interesting to you as love, one day when you least expect it and you're absorbed in something else a real love worth having will present itself to you. And then you'll say to yourself, "thank God I didn't settle for an earlier possibility. Thank God I developed into an interesting guy who could attract this rare and precious person." It happens all of a sudden and then everything just clicks into place. That's what happened to me, and I have every confidence it will happen for you. I'll say a prayer for you, too.
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:29 PM
 
610 posts, read 1,291,884 times
Reputation: 523
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillflower View Post
I'm a LOT older than you so I don't mind telling you the truth as I learned it first-hand. Your emotions are telling you that you're ready for a relationship, but your destiny is saying "not yet." I know exactly what you're experiencing. And if you're just patient and immerse yourself in something else --a career, a hobby, a project that's at least as interesting to you as love, one day when you least expect it and you're absorbed in something else a real love worth having will present itself to you. And then you'll say to yourself, "thank God I didn't settle for an earlier possibility. Thank God I developed into an interesting guy who could attract this rare and precious person." It happens all of a sudden and then everything just clicks into place. That's what happened to me, and I have every confidence it will happen for you. I'll say a prayer for you, too.
The problem is that I used to be able to block it out with my interests, but the desperation is getting stronger each time it comes back, and now I can't concentrate on the hobbies etc. It just seems insignificant in comparison to my problems with the ladies. It just pops up in my head constantly, from when i wake up to when I fall asleep.
I feel like
"who cares if i finish my education and get a nice job, if I'm just gonna be alone it won't enable me to do anything I'm not already doing, and having this type of circle of **** keep on going is just nothing to hold on to"

And it doesn't have to be meeting the love of my life, I just want some action, anything from a kiss to a relationship.
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:35 PM
 
610 posts, read 1,291,884 times
Reputation: 523
I'm also so tired of always seeing women I'm interested in walk home with other guys, time after time after time at the end of the night, all while I'm never even getting close.
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Old 04-16-2011, 07:54 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 5,563,841 times
Reputation: 3995
Several things to consider:

1. What you are going through is not that uncommon. Most people have lived through the experience of being miserable that they were single. Yes, there are those who seem to have no trouble getting someone whenever they want. Good for them. But I don't think they're the majority.

2. Desperation is not attractive. You are looking for someone who wants to get to know you and thinks your life looks appealing enough that they want to get themselves a piece of it. Yes, I know you may not feel like pursuing your hobbies, or whatever, but a guy who sits around all day sulking and wishing girls would pay attention? Not very attractive. Kind of has stalker potential. Will scare girls off.

3. Consider getting therapy to work on some of the heavier stuff. There's dissatisfaction, then there's letting it become a weight on your life. A lot of people are against therapy, thinking it's not for them because you only get therapy if you're "crazy" (or insert any other excuse here.) In fact, therapy can be a useful tool to work through past issues and current things that are bothering you so that you can present the best version of yourself. Sometimes getting that off your chest is enough.

4. I tend to think for the majority of people who aren't A-listers in terms of randomly picking up women (you mentioned you always see them leave with someone else), it's better to get to know them in a long-term sense rather than try to hook up at a bar or meet them randomly. How many of your hobbies are group activities where you interact regularly with women? If they aren't, you need to develop some new interests.
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:08 PM
 
7,329 posts, read 16,342,280 times
Reputation: 9687
The first thing that jumps out at me in your post is you call yourself a loser, for no good reason. Some talk therapy could help you with that, and with not being able to enjoy things in life because you're obsessing about one part of it that's not going well. Someday you'll have a girlfriend or wife and you'll want to be able to enjoy her, not be worrying all day about how you hate your job but can't leave it right now, or how you wish you could move to a different part of the country, or whatever. You said it yourself, you need to learn how to shut it off. A therapist or maybe some mindfulness meditation could help with that. And everyone's right, you'll find that girl when it's time.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:48 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,299,185 times
Reputation: 4949
I think if you think of yourself as a loser, it shows in the way you carry yourself and you are taking away chances with that negativity. I'd say try counselling or at least try talking to someone face to face who will listen and try to build your confidence but it has to come from you ...why would going through a hard time or not getting what you think you should have make you a loser? and who is saying you have to be in a relationship? Society? Going out with the sole purpose of finding a partner may come across as desperation...try to relax and have fun...
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Old 04-20-2011, 11:18 PM
 
5,238 posts, read 7,950,481 times
Reputation: 11402
Its normal to feel times of sadness or even desperation when alone, and frustrated you haven't met anyone. I never felt desperation on a physical level, but it was that I wanted to be cared about and care for someone and envied people that had found the right one for them. Finding the right one is worth waiting for, being alone is better than being with the wrong one for sure. Hook ups as they are called now are something I never cared about. That kind of person, you don't want. Where are you doing your looking? In bars, and college hang outs? Expand the search, volunteer in the community, try the library, clubs at school might be another good place. Concentrate on school, think of other people besides yourself, that can also helps stop the desperation. Sometimes nice guys have a hard time even getting dates, that doesn't mean you should change who you are. Most everyone here has felt the same way at one point or another. Don't over analyze it, and obsess on it. expand your search, live a day at a time, have fun today, life gets harder believe me.
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