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When the negative dialog in your head starts up replace it with "that woman had no business raising children."
Love this, and will definitely use it.
Like you and Dutchman, I do tend to do the opposite of my mom and so far my life has been on a good course overall.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hiknapster
First of all, I apologize for these multiple posts.
I find this very troubling because my current husband is like this. We run a business together and I finally couldn't be down there anymore. It's like he invites bad karma. And everything, and I mean everything, is twisted into a negative. He can take my absolutely giddy mood and run it into the ground in seconds. It's come to the point where I avoid him. I can't even go grocery shopping with him.
Why are people like that?
No apology needed!
The situation sounds absolutely maddening. What is the relationship like between your husband and child? By keeping the marriage together, you can act as a buffer between your child and your husband's negativity. It's very sad when you actually have to avoid a person when you are in a good mood so that it won't be spoiled - especially when that person should be the first you run to with anything joyful. That's the very reason I don't include my family of origin in anything I want to be positive, like my kids' birthdays, holidays, or other milestones. These events are far more peaceful and happy, even if they're on a smaller scale.
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Originally Posted by Kim in FL
LOLOL Good ole Mom....doesn't get any better than that! OY!
Sounds like some BS my mother has/would say. Nothing positive comes out of her mouth unless it's to uplift herself
It reminded me of my mom too. They have to bring others down a few notches in order to feel superior. I could always count on my mom to either rain on my parade, or make me feel worse when I was already feeling down. She diminished anything positive in my life when interacting with me, but when interacting with others in my absence, she would brag about me because it reflected positively on her and made her look like a great mom. The closest she came to saying something nice to me was when she said "I deserve a pat on the back for how you turned out." In reality I turned out the way I did despite her being my mother, not because she was my mother.
Your grandmother and mine might very well be sisters. I am constantly on guard and very careful about what I say. I share as little personal information as possible with her, but she is masterful at catching people off guard and asking intrusive questions geared toward some hidden agenda.
Yeah and it's not as if she's rude to me in an aggressive way. But if you say something to her, she can't wait to tell everyone else. And of course that leads to jealousy if it's good news. For example, I got a raise for the first time in a few years. Nothing big, very small, but I made the mistake of letting my guard down and telling her. So she broadcasts it to others and then some other relative who didn't get a raise made a snide remark. She likes to get involved in everyone's business.
She gets on my nerves about "finding a girl", "settling down", and all that. She even said something about finding me a girlfriend. It's like she can't stand to see me single and happy. I'll settle down if/when I find the right one....she can't even enjoy what she has already.....and no doubt she'd just find something else to complain about
She'll make me feel guilty for not coming over all the time as if it should be my part time job to entertain her....so I have to say I work more hours than I do to keep her off my back. Narcissists love attention. How can I find a gf anyway when my employer owns my time during the week and famaily thinks they own my time on the weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
The guilt trips don't work on me at all anymore. My grandmother is great with the quivery-on-the-verge-of-tears voice, the heavy sighs, etc.
She doesn't do that with me because I nod and smile most of the time...but she's gotten into it with others<br>
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Originally Posted by marmom
She is definitely a control-freak too. She will nag incessantly about things that are really none of her business. Then there is the drama. She creates drama where there is none, and everything is doomsday.
LOL I think they ARE long lost twin sisters
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
My family used to do the dropping in unannounced thing too. I ended up sending out an email to everyone politely asking that they always call before coming over, to make sure I am home and will be home by the time they arrive, etc. A handful of people tested this boundary and when they arrived I either didn't answer the door, or didn't let them in and said "oh I'm sorry, I was just leaving, I really wish you had called so that you didn't come all this way for no reason," and then quickly shut the door. One time my mom called and said she was coming over. I told her it wasn't a good time and she said "I won't stay long, I just need to drop something off." I stuck to my guns and she stuck to hers. I locked all the doors and shut all the blinds and didn't answer the door when she showed up. Eventually people got the message.
I've done the same thing. Then after awhile they "forget" and I have to remind them again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
It's sad that people can't just be respectful from the start.
Funny we can laugh as adults but boy, did this "motherly love" wreck havoc on our little psyches.....
Is it any wonder, when I recieve a compliment from someone, I totally dismantle it with reasons that I SHOULDN"T be complimented......thanks Mom!!!!
GReat thread and wow, are there a lot of us out there, surviving.....
Guess npd is not as uncommon as one would think but actually may be the catalyst to all OTHER mental disorders....
Yes, it is horrible for kids to have to grow up constantly being criticized and never receiving approval from their mother. I can't imagine being that way!!! (thankfully)
Smalltownusa you deserve all the compliments in the world! Not only are you inherently good, you turned out that way against all odds - as did everyone on this thread. It speaks volumes about you that you didn't collapse under your mom's tyranny, but that instead your are thriving and that the world is better with you in it.
NPD is probably one of the more under-recognized disorders, and now they are removing altogether from the next edition of the DSM apparently. My theory is that the board who is revising the DSM is probably full of narcissists, and this is the reason that it will no longer be diagnosable .
Yeah and it's not as if she's rude to me in an aggressive way. But if you say something to her, she can't wait to tell everyone else. And of course that leads to jealousy if it's good news. For example, I got a raise for the first time in a few years. Nothing big, very small, but I made the mistake of letting my guard down and telling her. So she broadcasts it to others and then some other relative who didn't get a raise made a snide remark. She likes to get involved in everyone's business.
She gets on my nerves about "finding a girl", "settling down", and all that. She even said something about finding me a girlfriend. It's like she can't stand to see me single and happy. I'll settle down if/when I find the right one....she can't even enjoy what she has already.....and no doubt she'd just find something else to complain about
She'll make me feel guilty for not coming over all the time as if it should be my part time job to entertain her....so I have to say I work more hours than I do to keep her off my back. Narcissists love attention. How can I find a gf anyway when my employer owns my time during the week and famaily thinks they own my time on the weekend?
My grandmother does exactly the same things! She loves spreading gossip between family members and it drives me crazy. There are many sentences that begin with "don't tell anyone, but..." and then she will proceed to tell me something highly personal about another family member. When my aunt was living with her temporarily after her divorce, my grandmother admitted to sifting through her trash and looking at receipts, bills, etc - just to be nosey . Who does that???
I can guarantee that if you "found a girl" as your grandmother wishes, she would still not be happy. She would complain about the girl or find something else to be dissatisfied about. My grandmother has so many wonderful things in her life, yet all she can focus on is what is not right in her eyes. If she hosted a dinner and all but one family member showed up (let's say that family member lives in another state and decided not to fly out for this special dinner), my grandmother would spend the entire time focused on the absence of this one person. She would cry and make a scene about it, instead of enjoying everyone else who showed up.
My grandmother is also the same with wanting more visits. In the past I actually made an effort to spend more time with her because she complained constantly about not seeing me enough. I made sure to visit her once per week. The thing is, the more time I spend with her, the worse her behavior becomes. It's like she gets more in her comfort zone and the claws come out even more. Now I avoid her as much as possible.
NPD is probably one of the more under-recognized disorders, and now they are removing altogether from the next edition of the DSM apparently. My theory is that the board who is revising the DSM is probably full of narcissists, and this is the reason that it will no longer be diagnosable .
That's hilarious!
But ugh, I didn't realize they were taking it out of the DSM.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
The thing is, the more time I spend with her, the worse her behavior becomes. It's like she gets more in her comfort zone and the claws come out even more. Now I avoid her as much as possible.
That's classic NPD. The nicer you are to them the meaner they get. Ignore them and they try to get back in your good graces.
[quote=marmom;20154403]My grandmother does exactly the same things! She loves spreading gossip between family members and it drives me crazy. There are many sentences that begin with "don't tell anyone, but..." and then she will proceed to tell me something highly personal about another family member. When my aunt was living with her temporarily after her divorce, my grandmother admitted to sifting through her trash and looking at receipts, bills, etc - just to be nosey . Who does that??? quote]
My mother does. A piece of mail was put in her box by mistake....she opened it!! Why..because it was in her box and therefore she had a right to open it.
My mother is so nosey it's not funny...on the very rare occasion that she is at my home, I make sure all of my bills and paperwork are under lock and key. Sad isn't it?? She feels if it's out in the open then it's ok for her to read.
I can't even begin to list the things my mother does that makes me shake my head. And if you dare call her on any of these things ( that are so beyond wrong) she acts like you're attacking her and you're the bad guy. Ugh.
My grandmother does exactly the same things! She loves spreading gossip between family members and it drives me crazy.
Yeah that drives me crazy too. She always asking people about their jobs. Did you get a raise? What hours are you working? How much vacation time do you have? What kind of insurance do you have? Then if you tell her, she broadcasts it to everyone else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
There are many sentences that begin with "don't tell anyone, but..." and then she will proceed to tell me something highly personal about another family member. When my aunt was living with her temporarily after her divorce, my grandmother admitted to sifting through her trash and looking at receipts, bills, etc - just to be nosey . Who does that???
Ugh...she needs to get a life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
I can guarantee that if you "found a girl" as your grandmother wishes, she would still not be happy. She would complain about the girl or find something else to be dissatisfied about.
Definitely! My cousin had a baby not too long ago and my grandmother has been complaining about the mother. It never ends!
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
My grandmother has so many wonderful things in her life, yet all she can focus on is what is not right in her eyes. If she hosted a dinner and all but one family member showed up (let's say that family member lives in another state and decided not to fly out for this special dinner), my grandmother would spend the entire time focused on the absence of this one person. She would cry and make a scene about it, instead of enjoying everyone else who showed up.
My grandmother is also the same with wanting more visits. In the past I actually made an effort to spend more time with her because she complained constantly about not seeing me enough. I made sure to visit her once per week. The thing is, the more time I spend with her, the worse her behavior becomes. It's like she gets more in her comfort zone and the claws come out even more. Now I avoid her as much as possible.
Yeah I've noticed the same thing! I used to visit more often (every 2-3 weeks) than I do now. She'll guilt trip me and I tell her that I'm working all the time as an excuse.
It looks like NPD will be in the DSM-5 but the diagnosis may be restricted to those that are not highly functioning. In other words, the NPD is stopping them from having a normal life.
I met someone on the forum that was classic NPD and she was snoopy like that. She would rent rooms from people and then go through their mail, their bills. Then she couldn't figure out why the people would lock everything away. One lady wouldn't allow her to be in the house alone, after awhile. Another one personally escorted her off the property.
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. Who does that??? 
