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I have been going to a therapist for a couple years. Initially she just thought I had depression but soon, as we delved into my family life it became apparent to her that my mother was narcissistic. She used to ignore me when I said things, publicly humiliate me in front of my friends, praise me only when I did things that reflected positively on her, and punish me when I did things that reflected on her poorly. She denied my individuality. What I'm really worried about is that I have some of these same narcissistic traits. I seek admiration from people, without even being conscious of it. I used to be so bad that I needed the people around me to love me and I would do anything to get that to happen, including inventing a false persona. I realize now that my therapist must have known that I had narcissistic traits, but I didn't realize it myself until very recently. I have made some progress I think, but I'm worried that this is going to be a life long trait, that I can never fully escape from.
I have no friends, and when I do make friends I tend to drive them away with my mood swings, and unpredictability. I sometimes devalue people if I think they are going to reject me, saying to myself something like, these people didn't earn my respect. I have emotional outbursts at times, and often view people as very threatening. My most recent flings with narcissism was dating a girl that I never really liked that much because I basically wanted to have sex with her. So I'm just wondering, does anyone out there think that I am capable of recovering from this? It seems I get into these modes where I cognitively distort everything, like having ideas of reference, and grandiose thinking, and I can't break out of them easily (my mother used to do this). I just a fear that this is some kind of genetic disorder that I'm never going to recover from fully, and that I'm always going to fall back into.
You are taking steps to improve yourself. You care how you treat others or you wouldn't be concerned about this. Recognizing your tendencies is a good thing.
My mother is very overbearing and angry. She fought with me as a kid- more like you would a sibling and it was so hard for me. It did cause me to be someone I wouldn't have been otherwise and I have gone to therapy too. I have only begun to understood the deeply negative influence it caused.
Sounds like your therapist is a good one- for not just telling you but letting you understand it for yourself. Continue to talk to her about situations that bother you. You're not sentenced to a lifetime of this if you continue to work through it. It's hard, I know. But you can improve and find new ways of relating to others.
I have improved. I used to think that others were so against me, even my close friends! Recently, I wanted to complain to my friend for something. I reevaluated it and saw it wasn't what I thought. That I was putting blame where it didn't belong, so I didn't complain to her! THEN the next day, I was almost ready to do it again and rethought that and didn't react. This was by email- so maybe that gave me more time before I reacted but really, you can learn new ways of treating others.
but...you are trying to help yourself and get help and that deserves a lot of praise. Many people never see that there's a problem and blame the rest of the world so hats off to you, OP
A true narcissist is not capable of the self-reflection you have done (no pun intended).
This is so true so op, please make it your mantra.....I too have a np mother and she literally destroyed 10 kids with her sickness to a greater and lesser degree....with my spot at the end of the line up, I think escaped her total wrath and watched closely her behavior, realizing from a young age, it was wrong...but she did totally neglected and minimized me as a person but that's a whole other thread
Anyways, I went to therapists who all told me that a TRUE narcissist NEVER questions themselves and although the fact remains we have absorbed some of the shadows of this disorder, (it would impossible not to when growing up in it), recognizing it is a sickness and trying to right it is a healthy path....pat yourself on the back for that
It's a heavy pain when you realize your parent can never truly love to the depths one would want as a child but their sickness is unintentional and the best I try to take from it is to undo what she did to me and break the chain for my own kids.....and that's all we can do with any abuse: continue the sickness or find the cure....the choice is really ours
Well on a less clinical-side. Try to be observant of yourself and how you feel and behave. Try to see the other as yourself. (not projection)
Ultimately, the big issue in this stuff is the idea that you are not loveable. Only if you do this or that. Gotta try to love yourself before you can get anybody else to.
Conversely, I think it can be hard to love if you don't love yourself.
Don't mean romantic love either. Talking about acceptance, compassion.
My mother is a classic narcissist and goodness knows what my father truly is. Probably, narcissistic too; maybe another personality disorder.
It sounds like you are young and it is going to take time to adjust from living around that. It messes with your head and you come out of it into the real world and it is difficult to deal with "normal" people. But you will. Give it time.
The mood swings, pushing people away, anger issues are all normal. You've been living with a tyrant and it is like having post-traumatic stress disorder. You are also use to being told the problem is always you and so you are doing just that; blaming yourself. It is what you are trained to do. She did her work well.
I'm almost 50 and it took me years to come out of this. That you are recognizing this is a huge step forward. Try to distance yourself from your mother as much as possible. Cut off ties if you want. Give yourself some time to heal.
You are not a narcissist. It is common for adult children of narcissists to think they are. The truth is for you to even entertain the thought indicates that you are not.
My mother is a classic narcissist and goodness knows what my father truly is. Probably, narcissistic too; maybe another personality disorder.
It sounds like you are young and it is going to take time to adjust from living around that. It messes with your head and you come out of it into the real world and it is difficult to deal with "normal" people. But you will. Give it time.
The mood swings, pushing people away, anger issues are all normal. You've been living with a tyrant and it is like having post-traumatic stress disorder. You are also use to being told the problem is always you and so you are doing just that; blaming yourself. It is what you are trained to do. She did her work well.
I'm almost 50 and it took me years to come out of this. That you are recognizing this is a huge step forward. Try to distance yourself from your mother as much as possible. Cut off ties if you want. Give yourself some time to heal.
You are not a narcissist. It is common for adult children of narcissists to think they are. The truth is for you to even entertain the thought indicates that you are not.
Bravo to this post !!!!!!!!! It feels soooooo good to read a description what your life was like and know we are not alone.....
I'm in my 50s and it took an unprecedented amount of self examination to unknot the twisted mess in my own head after a childhood of "you're the problem; not me" when, intuitively, I knew I wasn't.....
One of the strongest traits/gifts in children of narcissists is the power of observation: we watched every little move of our "loved" one and knew, instinctively, when they were acting and it made us sick.....but call them on it and they turned on you like a viper and you're left confused as you battle internally with wanting to love and more importantly, to feel loved by the person who hurts you the most.....it's a sad tale but OP, please take some solace in the fact that you're still young and able to make the break needed or at least learn how to build the stength to be connected to your mother yet emotionally strong enough to jump out of her path when she goes on the attack.....
My mother is in her 90s, is in a nursing home, has lost most of her faculties and what little good I received from her has pretty much diminished into a foggy memory.....sad, but my restitution was to break the cycle of fake love with my own kids....it has not been easy but certainly worth it....suffice it to say, it's difficult to be an architect without any blue prints....that's what parenting has been for me as a daughter of a narcissist...
Most importantly, remember: it is not us; it's them....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 07-14-2011 at 04:09 PM..
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